Epiphanies gained through thievery...
A photographer's worst nightmare became my reality on September 17th. My camera gear got stolen. No insurance. No credit. No savings to tap into to replace it. Shoots booked but no equipment to shoot them with...several thousand dollars of high end Canon equipment in a canvas bag gone without a trace. My blood, sweat and tears were in that bag. I have been going through the emotional pattern...Stress. Panic. Pity party. Anger. Action. Resolving to not be a victim. Been there, done that. I don't like the idea of going back to a day job as I had just quit one to be a "real" photographer but you do what you have to do to get where you want to be and sometimes you need help.
I posted this on the
News section on my website today and posted a bulletin in case anyone out there knew of a way to help. My friends wrote a letter to Canon in hopes of getting my story recognized by people who can help me. It blows my mind that the story is about me. I never looked at my life quite like this before...I have to say, I have been through and survived very ugly things. I was finally at a place where I was happy. I deserve to have that back. So, if there is help out there, I will take it.
I never have been one to ask for help. I despise feeling like I am a burden or am putting someone out. I always have done things on my own because then I don't owe anyone anything. The ironic thing about that is that I thrive on helping others. I never feel like they are a burden or putting me out and certainly not owing me anything in return. In fact, I am usually always touched that they trusted me enough to come to me. When I call you a friend and you need help, I am there with my boots on.
Oddly enough, despite many betrayals, I do not think twice about extending my friendship to others. I have this odd childlike trait that keeps me from ever becoming bitter despite repeatedly having my heart broken by friends and lovers. Why am I not a Bitter Betty? Why do I not protect myself or see these things coming? I wondered.
After many long hours reflecting on myself, my choices in life, the direction I am headed in, the people I call friends, the friends who had my heart and broke it, my relatively recent realization that I wanted to be a photographer, the long year of working for free, how those shoots morphed into a form of art therapy, the realization that I was able to help these women see themselves in a light they never knew could be possible and actually helped them feel better about themselve...I helped them love themselves, that means something words cannot express to me, having been 100 lbs heavier and a battered wife, I was a person who had no identity or sense of self as it was firmly lodged in the tread of my ex-husband's boot. I understood insecurity, inner turmoil and self-doubt better than anyone could ever assume by looking at me now. I came out the other end and I had to do it alone. It was so hard...why does it have to still be so hard? At that moment, I had an epiphany. My purpose in life is to help others through my Sirens work. I have thought that I was meant to be a photographer before but never focused on what Sirens really meant to me and to the women who work with me until today. I thought it was something I would like to use to help others who are suffering what I suffered. Now I know that I am meant to not only help battered women but I am meant to help women in general who come to me. I don't have the inclination to become bitter and closed off because I am a healer. Healers don't discriminate and I am meant to meet more women who need me. And despite all of the negative stuff, I am blessed to discover my purpose and I am ready to face and overcome the hurdles that stand in my way...with a little help from my friends.
I could be doing a lot of things to contribute to the negativity of my circumstances such as not being accountable for my circumstances and bucking up but I am choosing to look at this in a positive light...this is a terrible material loss for me but it is also an incredible spiritual gain.
Yin and yang. Finding balance in things, even terrible things, is like discovering peace itself. I still have the worry and stress of how I am going to make a living without the tools of my trade, having to go back to work a desk job, and saving money to replace my gear but I have this inner peace and sense of self that I didn't have before and jaknowhat? It comforts me and I know that no matter what happens, me and my son are going to be ok.
And the hits keep on comin...
After four months of mourning the loss of a relationship, I was finally coming out the other side when I discovered my so called best friend was plotting against me to win the affections of mutual friends. I still cannot believe that in my 30s, I am dealing with this high school drama bullshit. The sad thing for her is the mutual friends she was trying to poison against me are grown ups and her talking about her "best friend" to them in that way just made them doubt her and eventually come to me about it. Stupid. So, relationship gone...best friend gone...better off. Whatever. Took a one week day job and hurt my knees because they said it would be admin but ended up to be an overpaid warehouse position. Eight years of soccer as a teen caught up with me in 4 days of that shit. I had to go on meds for the inflammation and Friday I had to go in for xrays to see what the hell is going on. Hopefully I won't need surgery. My right knee still hurts but things were ok. I had enough shoots booked to get through October and I was happy. Happy that even though I was just making ends meet, I was doing what I love. Until this past Saturday. I spent the weekend at my dear friends house in Hollywood and someone broke in and stole my camera bag which held all my camera gear worth over four thousand dollars. Today he called to tell me his insurance won't cover it but he is going to fight it. Not only did he go through all that for me today but he also called a mutual friend I don't know well who is professional photographer and asked to borrow a camera and a lens. I am beside myself that he is going through all of this for me. I just love them beyond words. So tonight he is coming over with borrowed camera and I get to do my shoots this week...just have to figure out how I am going to replace my gear.
Positives. Glass half full...I can't fall into the negative and go to THAT place again. Even in the face of crisis after crisis, I am supposed to be learning something from all this. I'll get back to you when I finger it out.
I don't know if I ever came out and said it but the problems I have been experiencing with my now ex-boyfriend for nearly two years are due to addicition. I found out early on about his addiction and have gone through every possible role from nonconfrontational supportive girlfriend to turning a blind eye for the sake of status quo to no drugs or the highway to can't beat em join em to finally, recovery or addicition without me. He chose the drugs. Again. For the last time. Even after I made him move out, I have been tethered to him emotionally. It is amazing what you overlook and rationalize when you love someone. Nothing dictates any sort of clarity or logic when love is involved. Love is blind. But love for yourself has to always come first. I get that now. And to love myself is to protect my son. Naturally I would have never tolerated addiction in front of my son but there was a reason they didn't bond in the six months he lived with us. Because he couldn't do drugs here, he just started drinking heavily. Then, in the end, he started bringing it home. Now, I have removed myself from his life in the physical sense. I will not see him. I will correspond with him but I am not strong enough to see him or else I fall right back into being intimate with him. Naturally, I mean, despite it all, I love him...so I bought him this book on recovery. We share the same school of thought in that no one can help you but you. We both think support groups like AA and NA are crap. Personal opinion, if it works for you...great! So I gave him the book and he is reading it. I read the website...geez, I wish I found this two years ago. So, in the event anyone else is struggling with this problem, I thought I would spread the word...http://www.rational.org
This bit is especially helpful for anyone who is suffering through a loved one's addiction: http://www.rational.org/html_public_area/family.html
All the best!
Stagnant
Now that the excitement of my first exhibit and the two television spots I did have died down, I bit the bullet and got myself a fulltime admin job to make ends meet. It was a tough decision but it had to be done. I do not have the luxury of being a starving artist and living cheap until my next gig. I am a single mom, I have a mortgage, I have *gasp* responsibilities. For the first time in my life, I am really doing it alone since I moved away from my family a year ago. But it is worth being in Los Angeles, this area is far more eclectic and creative in general than the Bay Area. To me, at least. So, 40 hours a week, I can tolerate a soul sucking admin job for the paychecks that will grant me the peace of mind I need to not stress every single day. The only thing that sucks about it (other than having not being able to do what you love fulltime) is that it drains so much energy that lately, I am not on point with my art. The last few shoots, even though my work has gotten positive feedback (thanks everyone who commented), just did not feel up to par to me. I definitely need to get back into the groove.
Until then, I will keep trying. )
I am grateful for the love of the art...I am grateful that I am good at it...getting better all the time...I am grateful that no matter what, I am teaching my son to never give up and the only failure in life is to stop trying.
hope all are well and remember, "we are the makers of music and the dreamers of dreams..."
