ground control to rachel...earth to rachel...come in...over.

Epiphanies gained through thievery...


A photographer's worst nightmare became my reality on September 17th. My camera gear got stolen. No insurance. No credit. No savings to tap into to replace it. Shoots booked but no equipment to shoot them with...several thousand dollars of high end Canon equipment in a canvas bag gone without a trace. My blood, sweat and tears were in that bag. I have been going through the emotional pattern...Stress. Panic. Pity party. Anger. Action. Resolving to not be a victim. Been there, done that. I don't like the idea of going back to a day job as I had just quit one to be a "real" photographer but you do what you have to do to get where you want to be and sometimes you need help.

I posted this on the News section on my website today and posted a bulletin in case anyone out there knew of a way to help. My friends wrote a letter to Canon in hopes of getting my story recognized by people who can help me. It blows my mind that the story is about me. I never looked at my life quite like this before...I have to say, I have been through and survived very ugly things. I was finally at a place where I was happy. I deserve to have that back. So, if there is help out there, I will take it.

I never have been one to ask for help. I despise feeling like I am a burden or am putting someone out. I always have done things on my own because then I don't owe anyone anything. The ironic thing about that is that I thrive on helping others. I never feel like they are a burden or putting me out and certainly not owing me anything in return. In fact, I am usually always touched that they trusted me enough to come to me. When I call you a friend and you need help, I am there with my boots on.

Oddly enough, despite many betrayals, I do not think twice about extending my friendship to others. I have this odd childlike trait that keeps me from ever becoming bitter despite repeatedly having my heart broken by friends and lovers. Why am I not a Bitter Betty? Why do I not protect myself or see these things coming? I wondered.

After many long hours reflecting on myself, my choices in life, the direction I am headed in, the people I call friends, the friends who had my heart and broke it, my relatively recent realization that I wanted to be a photographer, the long year of working for free, how those shoots morphed into a form of art therapy, the realization that I was able to help these women see themselves in a light they never knew could be possible and actually helped them feel better about themselve...I helped them love themselves, that means something words cannot express to me, having been 100 lbs heavier and a battered wife, I was a person who had no identity or sense of self as it was firmly lodged in the tread of my ex-husband's boot. I understood insecurity, inner turmoil and self-doubt better than anyone could ever assume by looking at me now. I came out the other end and I had to do it alone. It was so hard...why does it have to still be so hard? At that moment, I had an epiphany. My purpose in life is to help others through my Sirens work. I have thought that I was meant to be a photographer before but never focused on what Sirens really meant to me and to the women who work with me until today. I thought it was something I would like to use to help others who are suffering what I suffered. Now I know that I am meant to not only help battered women but I am meant to help women in general who come to me. I don't have the inclination to become bitter and closed off because I am a healer. Healers don't discriminate and I am meant to meet more women who need me. And despite all of the negative stuff, I am blessed to discover my purpose and I am ready to face and overcome the hurdles that stand in my way...with a little help from my friends.

I could be doing a lot of things to contribute to the negativity of my circumstances such as not being accountable for my circumstances and bucking up but I am choosing to look at this in a positive light...this is a terrible material loss for me but it is also an incredible spiritual gain.

Yin and yang. Finding balance in things, even terrible things, is like discovering peace itself. I still have the worry and stress of how I am going to make a living without the tools of my trade, having to go back to work a desk job, and saving money to replace my gear but I have this inner peace and sense of self that I didn't have before and jaknowhat? It comforts me and I know that no matter what happens, me and my son are going to be ok.

posted by Rachel @ 1:45 AM