Shiver Me Limbers
Hi folks.
Hope you like the changes I made to the place. Thought I'd spruce it up in here since I am stuck downstairs because I can't climb the stairs yet. Ya' see, I was being productive tonight...really. I got the kid to bed at a reasonable hour, cleaned up and am happy to report that after nearly two months, my closet is 70% unpacked. I meant to finish but as I was carrying a box full of collapsed empty boxes downstairs to the garage, I slid on the sole of my right foot down three steps...while my left foot refused to budge from the starting slide point...forcing me into a painfully humorous display of the splits and donning a tortured "O" face that could only be matched by an Ed Gein human face mask. I could almost hear the muscles in my inner thighs about to give like dried up rubber bands.
So to go with my broken ass, I now have broken groin. Oh well, The PMS is knockin' anyway so The Groin being out of commission for a week isn't going to kill anyone.
Parts of me that are broken:
1. Potato Toe (mended acrylic torn off thrice and therefore PT is back with a vengeance)
2. Ass
3. Groin
Sweet. Bring on the period and hey while you're at it Lady Luck, why not throw in a few fever blisters for shits and giggles? *high five* Alriiiight.
Oh P.S. Dennis Miller is my personal Jesus.
That is all.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy Jr.
My son walks up with brow furrowed and an oh so serious look on his face...looks me in the eye and calmly states:
"Boys and girls are both not very lucky because boys have peepees that can get stuck in zippers and girls can get pregnant REAL EASY."
And calmly walks out of the room.
LMAO
I broke my ass. The extent to which my luck has been vexing me is well, vexing. My son wanted to go to the park. Sure, why not...it's hotter than Satan's ass but ok, let's go to the park. But a simple OK wasn't good enough for my Virgo boy...Hey Mom, let's throw rollerblades into the mix for the sake of humor. Donning my brother's rollerblades and mimicking my son's blading actions, I made it out of the garage and into the driveway in one piece. As we came to the end of the driveway, I noticed there was a strip across the lip of the driveway made of brick. In this brick strip, I noticed that there was a drain grate that slopes down into the drain. I noticed this drain as I was slowly sliding backwards into it. What the... It was something out of a cartoon. I was sliding backwards in slow motion as my arms spun like windmills and my legs kicked in the air - BAM! - right on my tailbone. I looked like I was doing the backstroke in mid air. It hurt so bad I couldn't move for about 2 minutes and once I could move, I had to crawl on all fours to the side of the driveway. This happened two days ago and I am still in horrible pain. I have been icing it and taking Ibuprofen. If it doesn't feel better after the weekend, I am going to the doctor for an xray. Weird thing is that I would associate some kind of visual trophy with pain like this but my butt is mark free. Very odd...
Positive vibes go out to our friend Pisser. May your Judge Mathis court case reap a successful outcome and may Stinky Kenny be struck with a reaking case of the clap!
I stand mortified. Horrified. Purely and truely traumatized. This evening I was in the kitchen composing a culinary masterpiece of hotdogs and Easy Mac when I noticed something wriggling on the floor. What the....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK??????
Second only to the horror of perhaps finding a rotting zombie hobbling towards me in my kitchen, maggots. Oh my god, I fight retching even now just writing about it and fuck you if you think I am being a drama queen...THERE WERE FUCKING MAGGOTS CRAWLING AROUND IN MY FUCKING KITCHEN!
After bolting out of the kitchen like a bat out of hell and shaking off the violent heebie jeebies, I persuaded (high pitched frantic cries) my boyfriend to go in and clean them off the floor. Once that was done, I looked everywhere to figure out where they could be coming from. OK, magically out of nowhere maggots crawl out from under my stove at the same time for no apparent reason...backtrack, Rachel. Get a grip. Boiling hot dogs for 20 minutes on stove...made stove hot...maggots=rotting something nearby...last time the oven was used = day of housewarming party when I cooked pork tenderloin for my boyfriend and brother...did my brother remove the pork tenderloin from the oven?
It was a scene out of a B movie horror flick...my trembling hand reaching out in front of me towards the oven door...in slow motion...breath coming quickly...yanks oven door open and *Psycho shower scene music* maggots all over the week old meat in the oven.
*GAG*
*GAG*
*cough cough*
*GAG*
In the name of all that is Holy....WHHHHYYYYYYYYY?????
Not your typical week
I know all the talk of adults discovering they had ADHD is trite and overdone but seriously people, I have it in a bad way. This is my excuse for my hugely retarded posting lapses. For some godforsaken reason, Blogger takes forever to load (heh - I said "LOAD") and my ADHD ass gets frustrated while waiting the 45 seconds (forever in cable modem time) for the new post page to load so I end up on Myspace or looking at porn or websurfing to some weird place filling my head with complete useless information like in 1972 the Plymouth Road Runner came stock with a 400 horsepower engine. *ahem*
Monday night I went to The Roxy with my friend Kelly to see a band called Metalskool and I have to say they kicked ass. Being someone who lived the hair band days when it spawned up in the loins of Hollywood, they nailed it to a tee. Part favorite hair band cover tune done to perfection and part comedy show where they rail each other as much as the crowd, they were so fun, I will go again. That says a lot for a club prude like me who needs only one semisucking experience to decide to never experience the suckiness again. The Roxy itself, as famous as it is, sucks as a live band venue. It is small and intimate which I like but come on folks, you've been here the better part of what 30 years and you still can't get a decent ventilation system in there? Two kamakazi shots and a MILLER LITE cost me $23...they charge this highway robbery all week year round and they can't spring for some motherfucking AC? PAHLEEEAAAASE! But for MetalSkool, I will sweat off my makeup and endure hyena B.O. once more. Hell maybe even twice.
After the show, I went to my boyfriend's apartment and being 2:50 am and located in the heart of Hollywood, I had to park in Guam. With my bag in hand, wig on tight, false eyelashes blowing in the wind, a scary man on a bicycle started riding next to me on the sidewalk as I was making the trek up the hill.
Scary man: "Damn girl...you lookin' fiiiiiine."
Me: "Thank you." *Looking directly at my shoes as I walk briskly up the street in my 5"
platforms.
Scary Man: "You got some body...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..." He rides his bike directly in front of me, cutting my path off at which point I stop and quickly step around him with a tad but more hussle.
Me: "I'm married. Please leave me alone."
Scary Man: "I love me some married women." Blocks me with his bike again...at which point I start to panic inside. I walk around him again.
Scary Man: "Mmmm less obligation...yeah love me married women." Blocks me again at which point I step back and dig in my back frantically for my cell phone.
Scary Man starts rides about 20 feet ahead of me and stops.
Scary Man: "You pullin out a gak? You a cop?"
Trying to play it as cool as possible while feeling like I was going to have a goddamn ripper, I get my boyfriend on the line and he is literally outside in 45 seconds. He must've jumped off his balcony to get there so quick. As soon as Scary Man sees boyfriend, he takes off his shirt and proceeds to tell him that I am trippin blah blah blah as he rides his bike faster up the hill. It was ridiculous really. Scary Man turned Pussy Boy in a matter of a second. I was notably shaken and remained tweaked for a good half hour. All I was thinking when he was cutting my path off was "I don't know what to do...omg what do I do?!" So because of this, I have decided to start taking kung fu lessons. My brother is really into it, I got to meet a few of his instructors at my housewarming party so I feel pretty positive about it. I already decided to commit my son to it and my boyfriend has been passionate about it for years so the natural progression would be that I incorporate it into my own life as well. I don't want to be the pussy in the house...well, you know what I mean.
So after that little setback, my boyfriend and I emerged ourselves a 5 day long visit matched only by Sid & Nancy. I won't incriminate myself further but I will share this, it was so crazed and fun that one morning we ended up in a porn shop at 7:30. Hell, I didn't even know they were open that early! And like Forrest Gump says...that's all I have to say about that.
Tomorrow...errr later today technically, my mother is bringing my son down from his extended summer vacation in the Bay Area. I have to say, as time away from the daily responsibilities of single motherhood grew, I became more and more selfish and gluttonish...ok since my party, a downright lazy motherfucker. Naturally I am ecstatic to have my son home with me later today but there is that teeny tiny part of me that is really going to miss the glorious freedom. It was a nice big juicy treat to come and go as I please, go out on the spur of the moment, SLEEP IN til noon (AHHH THE BLISS), an extended period of glorious Spongebob/Fairly Oddparents/Teen Titan-Free tv time...but alas...I miss my sweetfaced boy. I even miss his shotgun 5 questions per minute stints. I can't wait to see him and give him the biggest hug he has ever had and once I get him in my arms, I am sure that teeny tiny selfish side will be squashed forever.
She's a Badmammajamma
Paying hommage to none other than...myself.
I love her Royal Highness of Pissy Pants
Evidence
That is all.
I Love LA
Just a quick note to say Hiiiiii and let y'all know I am still alive & kickin. The work I can do on the house is done. I am doing the touch up painting today and it's done. All decorated and minus the boxes and piles of misc crap in all of the closets, it appears to be a suitable living space.
Cabo went well...ever seen the Sex in the City episode where Samatha tries Viagra and won't fuck without it because it was so incredible? Well, since you can get any pill in Cabo, I wanted to try it. It was a Kate & Leo Titanic You jump I jump moment...we got plowed at the infamous Squid Roe and went back to the casita and split a viagra. The next morning I woke up...SHIT! Fucking slept right through it...apparently the effects had not worn off for my boyfriend. The bowleggedness didn't bother me as much as knowing that I was to serve as sex slave manjuice recepticle for Gawd knows how long...must've went 10 times that day. Other than swollen lovemound and not finding the AC thermastat and baking the whole time, Cabo was a good experience. Evidence.
Then we went to Arizona where I met his whole family whom I loved and who loved me...naturally. Evidence.
After that we went up north and my man met my entire family including my socially weird and outrageously strict and old fashioned (who normally doesn't want to meet any guy unless he is marrying into the family - hence my man is the THIRD guy I have brought home in all my 32 years of life on earth...well not counting Jeremy Dallkirk in the fifth grade who I secretly wanted to marry but only ended up collecting pollywogs in jars) father. To everyone's amazement, my boyfriend fit in like a square peg. My dad even made fun of him which is an awesome sign bc giving each other shit is a right of passage in my family. He said, Looks like you found your very own Forrest Gump, Rach." So the rest of the weekend we all threw out Forrest Gump quotes in my man's presence. Was a good time. Evidence.
Friday night I am having my housewarming party, yes Friday the 13th folks AND I am having an ICE LUGE!!! Evidence of this event to come next week.
Hope you're all doing well!
