Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Fuck Miss Manners


Interesting. Today I strolled into the office wearing a cute black pleated miniskirt, black hose, a pink top and an extra little spring in my step. As I sashayed down the hallway, chirping greetings as I passed offices, I noticed that the other three ladies that work here are also wearing pink tops.

:?|

We have become a hive mind. I wonder if we will all get on the same menstrual cycle. I wonder if we will all start living our lives in synchronicity. *shudder* If I start talking about my cat the way the accounting lady talks about her stupid fucking shit kicking dogs, I will need a lobotomy.

I am driving to Starbucks for my soy vanilla latte and I spy a guy sitting on the curb iin the parking lot was looking peaceful…lost in thought even...then he reaches up to his face, plugs one nostril and blows out what can only be described as green flubber out of his other nostril. My face twisted in an expression of horror as I drove by mouthing ”What the fuck?!!”

This makes me wonder, what makes it ok to hork flubber out of your nose in public if you’re a guy? Or scratch your nuts or fart? And girls always have to be ladies? I am tired of this double standard crap! Fuck keeping my legs crossed. Fuck covering my mouth and burping daintily. Fuck going to the bathroom to pull the thong out of my ass. I am going to go extreme to make a point. Next time I have to go Number TWO, I am just going to hike my skirt and do it right in the parking lot.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Stuck on Stoopid



Man I am out of it today.

So far I have managed to spill Cup O’ Noodles down my top, trip over my printer cable twice, break my pencil, fuck up THREE checks because I kept misspelling CONTIGENT and I sat drinking my tea thinking Geez this sure is weak… until I realized I forgot to put the fucking teabag in it. Nothin’ like a little artificially sweetened water in tha’ mornin’!

Jesus Krispey.

I miss my boyfriend. I have the PMS. My hair looks like a giant cat licked my head for an hour. Speking of cats, my baby kitty cat won't stop with the meowing and the meowing and the fucking meowing. Other than that, I really don't have anything to say. I think I have stressed myself into a stupor.


Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Balls.



I didn't get the condo.

*SULK*

Now I have to find something to rent month-to-month (good luck finding that) or we are homeless. Kinda narrows down couch tripping options when you have a 6 year old.

*sigh*

I need booze.

Take me to a place we can hide...


So much has been going on with me lately and I have finally found my groove in it. I have my eye focused on where I want to be and I am not letting a thing stand in my way. It’s funny when you find yourself so driven on something and how much determination and will it takes to get there and then you think about how hard it is to keep your bathroom clean or practice patience with your loved ones or pay your phone bill on time. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could apply the same determination to everything in life all of the time? Honestly, I don’t think anyone has that energy. If you know anyone that does, I want to know what they are on and how do I get some.

I put an offer on a condo I love in Studio City. It’s in the 2nd top rated public school district in LA County apparently and right next to a big park and a public library. I couldn’t ask for a better area for my son. Also it is right over the Hollywood Hills so it’s just a hop, skip & a jump from Hollywood. This was something I wanted and didn’t think I could find. I thought for sure I would have to compromise location and live further out from Hollywood than I wanted but if I get this place, I won’t have to. So cross your fingers for me, kiddies. I hear back from my agent by 5:00 p.m. today so until then, I am cuticle biting stress chick. Better distract myself by emailing friends on Myspace.

Some friends of ours are getting married on Saturday. I am going to offer to photograph the event as a wedding gift and am hoping they accept because I would love to do this for them and it will give me something different to use for my portfolio (always an angle I know - Hey! I'm so LA!). I wonder if the usual feelings are going to come up at this wedding. It’s been a while since I’ve been to one and I usually get weepy and as a typical girl, I wonder if I will ever walk down the isle again…*record scratch* what the hell am I saying?? Strike that! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! *hehe* I don’t know. I go back and forth with it. I guess after a terrible marriage and even worse divorce and then the break up of a 4 ½ year relationship with the emotional well-being of my child hanging in the balance has sort of made me a little bitter to the idea. The notion of making the ultimate commitment of marriage to one person appeals to the bleeding heart romantic in me but the reality of what one must endure when things go sour…the legal fees, your past maliciously used against you, lies, your child’s suffering on your conscience … CALGON TAKE ME AWAY! And then there’s the other side of the coin, would anyone want to marry me again? There’s something to chew on.

I am sure I will post after 5 and let you know how the condo negotiations are going. If I don’t get this place, I am going to look further north in the Encino, Glendale, Pasadena, Woodland Hills areas. Suburbia isn’t that bad when the heartbeat of a city like Hollywood beats a mere 20-30 minute drive away.

Oh yeah and I named my cat Weiland, after the most passionate, stylish, sexiest & dysfuntional singer alive. Scott Weiland from Stone Temple Pilots. You know, I stopped dating musicians in '98 for obvious reasons but if ever there was one I would bend the rules for, it would be this man. I am sure there would be a plethera of emotional anguish involved but god, his passion...better to live with fervor than live a shell of a life that's safe.

Friday, May 14, 2004

The Glass is Half Full


I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…I am a bad ass motherfucker.

Not only did I get a quick loan to pay down my credit cards the same day but I also got the paperwork from my ex showing that the boat loan has been paid off on my credit!

*jigs*

I was so amazed they funded the loan within 4 hours of my calling them. Kick ass.

Know what else kicks ass? I got to do my first photoshoot with a model.

I was so excited because I have been photographing myself for the last several months trying to get the lighting thing down and for my first shoot, I am really happy with the outcome!

Gallery

Hopefully as time goes on, I will be able to shoot a wide range of models and play with lighting and colors. The great thing about digital photography is it really catches color. I want to get some crazy make up colors and use that as well. Maybe get some big pieces of plywood or posterboard and paint them bright colors like lime green and hot pink and use them as backgrounds. So many ideas...so little money. *lol*

It’s so awesome to have a passion in life. Other than love or sex or family, something just your own, something that speaks to you and when you answer, it fills you with such satisfaction and joy.

Things are looking brighter in the man department, my son lost one of his front teeth and the other is about to go any day, it’s so funny to look at his smiling face with that space there…makes me laugh just thinking about it. Going to look at places to live tomorrow all day with my girlfriend & my new kick ass real estate agent, then doing a little photo shoot and going to dinner & a movie with some more friends.

The kitty naming dilemna is over finally. My manfriend saw this show on Discovery about a little baby otter who was rescued by some guy and would follow him around like a little puppy. The guy named him Rodney the Otter. So manfriend keeps laughing "RODNEY!" "RODNEY!" and the more he said it, the funnier it got. To name such a sweet and perty kitty an old man name, PERFECT. So Rodney it is...kitty meow likes it!



Are things going my way?

*shake*

Magic 8 Ball says: Definitely.

AHA!

I am feeling good about things. Today I am feeling happy.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Someone pass me a drink...


I heard somewhere that the four most stressful things a person can go through are death, divorce, moving and new career. I got 2 out of 4 going right now and I was handling it fairly well until this morning.

Since my ex moved out and my little family went on a single income, I have been a very bad girl and charging way to much on my credit cards. Coupled with the boat loan that is still revolving in my name because it has taken forever for my ex to get his lender to pay off it off (still says it is going to be at least 2 more weeks), I have somehow drummed up enough credit card debt to knock my credit score down by 150 points! My loan agent called me this morning telling me I need to get that boat loan off of my credit pronto or I had better find some way to pay my credit cards down by at least half or else I am not going to qualify for a loan I can afford.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

This is bad, people. Very very bad. I am in escrow as I mentioned and I have no contingency on finding another place which means me and my little boy will be homeless if I don’t get into escrow on a place down south right away! Nothing rents month to month and there is no way in hell I am going to hire movers twice! So I have to get a personal loan and if any of you have tried to get a personal loan, you will know how hard they are to get. The only way I can get this loan is with collateral. What collateral do I have? Only the truck I paid off the last time I refinanced my condo and I gave it to my ex when he left. Decent severance package, I’d say. But I still hold title. Gotta’ do what ya’ gotta’ do. There is no way my kid is going to not have a home for even one night. Over my dead body.

So if I don’t kill myself trying, I am getting that loan by tomorrow, paying down my credit cards, providing proof of payment to my lender, getting that prequalification by Saturday morning so I have it in hand when I go looking at properties in LA that day.

Phew.

Can we all say the word of the day together?

Stressbag.

I knew you could.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Sordid details following...


Men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

They ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie.

Why is it when you try to tell a guy how you feel that they process it as you being against them? Last time I checked we weren’t picking teams.

*sigh*

I was the one to say it, relationships that work are work. I know. But what about when the other person doesn’t send you the message that they are willing to put work into a relationship with you? It’s a pretty shitty feeling to say the least.

So I was depressed and angry last night and cooked my friend dinner, had some wine and watched Love, Actually like some sort of masochistic dumbass. I was sobbing like Tammy Faye Baker at a church fundraiser. My heart felt like a rock in my chest and all I could do was think about my honey. Missed him, hated him, loved him, wanted him beside me even though we were fighting. Ain’t love grand?

Collin Firth’s character Jamie is the epitome of what every woman wants. A man who would move heaven and earth to be with his beloved. A man who would learn another language to communicate with her. Man. It’s hard enough to communicate when you both have the same native language! It touched me so deeply that he would do that for her and that synchronistically, she was doing the same. Soulmates.

I am in escrow on my condo people. It opened May 5th and closes June 4th with a 2 week rent back which means, I have until June 18th to move out of my condo. I didn’t place a contingency on me finding another place to live so I have to go to LA this weekend to look at properties. Flying down early early Saturday and leaving Sunday morning. Some jetsetter eh? I found a killer agent in Burbank who is incredible. Not only is she hunting properties for me, she is working closely with my loan agent to make sure I can afford purchase prices and researching schools in each area! Fucking hallelulah!

I was renting the condo I am in now when I bought it so this is the first time I am home hunting. It is scary. I lived in LA long ago and things have changed so much. Besides I have changed, hell, I have a kid to think about now! Luckily my friend Erika has stepped up and offered her help to house hunt with me so I don’t have to go it alone. I fucking love having girlfriends. When your family or S.O. isn’t always there for you, it is reassuring to have girlfriends who are. Few and far between and I am blessed to have the few I do have. Love my girls. Don’t know what I would do without them!

Operation Relocation has commenced.

Cross your fingers for me, friends.

Saturday, May 08, 2004

Ow



I am hungover. Omg soooooooooo hungover.

Remind me to never, I repeat never drink champagne again...while doing kamakazi shots.

:?|

I met the most beautiful dyke I have ever seen and she wouldn't give it to me. All I wanted was a pepsi and she wouldn't give it to me. lol Apparently she has a girl but kept telling me how hot she thought I was and how much she liked me yet she would not even kiss me. She kept saying "I can't." and then flirting more and telling me she still wants me to come down tonight even though I will be with my man. I kept telling her that but she didn't mind. Maybe she'll three-way with us and show him how the dykes do it proper. Maybe she'll bring her girlfriend. *squish*

*melt*

Damn, I don't have a sitter. KRICKEY!!!!!!

Oh well she probably would have just teased me anyway. At least I met some really cool gay boys.

I am going back to bed now. If this hangover doesn't kill me, I will type at your asses later.

Friday, May 07, 2004

Bite Sized Candies & Lesbo Bars


I have been sitting at my computer zoning out completely for the last hour. I’d bet if you lifted my hair and blew in my ear, you would hear the same sound as if you blew into a half empty bottle.

*Hooooohhh*

I am not entirely proud of this.

*ahem*

It’s overcast outside and it makes me feel lazy and hazy. I want to curl up against my man on the couch and watch Mr. Show dvds til my sides burst then make love and nuzzle my face against his neck til I fall asleep.

I love being in a relationship. I do not do Single well. Is that a good or bad thing? I just don’t know. It’s not that I NEED to be with someone because I freak out when I’m alone. There are plenty of men and women out there to occupy my time with if I wanted to date around but it just seems so empty to me. I am at my best when I am focused on one person. I love the dance of intimacy. Progressively bonding closer as you learn about one another, work through issues and compromise. Relationships are a beautiful thing and when you find one that works, it is so exciting (and sometimes scary and frustrating) to watch it grow and morph from what you thought it would be to what it is. The problem I have is that I have a tendency to open myself up quickly and give my trust until it is broken. This has not always served me well but for the life of me I cannot help it! With most people, their trust is earned. Not me. I give it freely but when burned, I can shut down right quick. It's uncanny. I don't even notice it's happening but the more someone betrays my trust, I subconsiously get more and more numb until I feel nothing for them and moving on isn't so difficult. Weird huh? I am glad I have this sense of self preservation though because it has helped me survive a number of hardships in my day. Maybe it could all be avoided if I just didn't trust people until they proved themselves worthy of it. I need to find a class specializing in Jackassery 101. I could benefit from learning how to be more of a jackass I think. Maybe then I would fit in better round here.

*smirk*

In other news, I STILL cannot decide on a name for Baby Kitty. Last time I checked I wasn’t this lame. What the motherfuck?? For those of you who have followed my journal, you remember how deeply the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind touched me and I was going to name my kitty after Kate Winslet’s character Clementine. Then I went and got a boy kitty and jacked everything up. I swear do not push a Virgo off her planned path, she will momentarily go bonkers because DUH why did it take me almost a month to say to myself 'Hey, Self. What about Jim Carrey’s character?' Clementine calls him Joelie and we thought that was so precious. So right at this moment these are the current name choices:

Joelie. (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.)

Rabbit. (He has bunny fur and hops around like a rabbit, it’s so cute.)

Dolce. (Pronounced: DOLE-CHAY. Means “SWEET” in Italian.)

Bleu. (Yeah it's french *gag* but I like the way it's spelled.)

It’s 7:29 p.m. on a Friday night. My boyfriend was supposed to come tonight but decided to come tomorrow instead. Being a single parent, you have to plan ahead for everything so I made plans with my folks for them to take my son overnight tonight and then they made plans to go out of town for the rest of the weekend. So now I have the whole night by myself and have ants in my pants! I am waiting for my friend to see if she can get a sitter so we can shake our groove thangs in the city but at this point things are looking bad. What does Magic 8 Ball say? *shake* Outlook Not Good.

:?|

I think if I don’t hear from her by 9:00, I am going to throw on some heavy eye makeup, glossy lipstick and a low cut top and head on over to The Cat. The local lesbian bar here in Hickville. There were actually several hotties there last time we went. My boyfriend was setting them up for me…

“Hey baby, kiss her!”

I always listen to my man.

LOL!

>:?)

If I can stop eating these bite sized Milky Way candies everything will be ok. I’m tearing them open like a crackhead on a 5-dollar rock. Maybe I am subconciously exercising my mouth in preperation for something errr meatier. *mwuhahahahaha*

News at 11...

Have a good weekend, kiddies!




Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Sisterhood Part Deux



Since I posted my Sisterhood entry, I have gotten a lot of feedback on it and I am relieved to find that so many women appreciate & relate to my thoughts. It is a relief to know that there are more of us out there, those of us who genuinely desire close tangible bonds with other women without the bullshit, who crave friendships with substance, honesty and love. We are not anomalies. We exist.

Human beings are competitive by nature. Survival of the fittest. Fight or flight. Etc. However, in this day and age, what do we really need to fight over? There are plenty of men out there. If the one you want doesn’t want you, instead of going to any lengths to win him, remember that there are two very interesting things called self-respect and dignity and try moving on.

I met a cool girl on Melrose over the weekend and we got to talking. She is from Denmark and has been here for 4 years. She hates women here and has only one friend. This made me so sad and as I sat listening to betraying-traitor-bitch horror story after horror story, I felt my Mother Hen instinct come over me and before I knew it I was lecturing her about the importance of girlfriends. I tried to explain to her that by closing off inside, she is robbing herself of the possibility of gaining a true friend. I wanted her to recognize that when you hide behind barriers, no one sees you, you don't even see yourself. What is life without living it? What is gain without risk? What is love without pain? What is contentment without discontent?

Life is equilibrium. Good and the bad. Yin and yang. We take in the good and roll with the punches. Everyone has a sob story. Everyone gets hurt. Buck up, learn your lessons and get on with it. I find the people who use their misfortunes as an excuse to be dysfunctional, abusive, irresponsible or shady to be complete bottom feeders. I just do not have the tolerance for it. As adults, we have a responsibility to ourselves to learn from our past and apply those lessons in productive ways. Not use them to hurt others because we have been hurt. Where’s the logic in that?

Jealousy. The green eyed monster. Girls who are jealous are the most dangerous girls of all. I possess no ability to trust these kinds of girls and from experience have noted that they will do whatever it takes to get what they want and that includes plowing right through their best girlfriends. Obsessed with being prettier, skinnier, hipper, cooler…newsflash: not possible! First of all, we all seek to be cool, hip, thin, pretty and so on and so forth BUT it isn’t a goddamn beauty pageant/popularity contest. As with beauty, all these things are in the eye of the beholder. Someone is always going to be cooler than you, prettier than you, thinner than you so why bother with the rat race of it all? Rise above and find better things to do with your energy.

Accountability. Is this word dead? Is it so hard to expect people to do what they say they are going to do? Could it be that common courtesy is dead? Last time I checked, if someone calls or writes me, it’s my turn. It’s like tennis. When the ball is in your court, what do you do with it? Send it back or get pissed off at the other person when they ask why you aren’t hitting it back? I don’t think that is how the game is played but it seems to have become common practice these days. Well, I ain’t buying it. Is it weird to be offended if someone blows you off or doesn’t return a call/email? Has it gotten to the point where if you confront your friend for not following through on her word that somehow you become the bad guy? Suddenly you are a drama queen or high maintenance? If it has come to this, pass the vodka and make it snappy, Jack.

Trust. We give it so freely and misuse it with the same ease. We can share the greatest of laughs and the darkest secrets with one another and then just drop out of each others lives when we don’t need each other anymore. Not proud to say but I’ve done it. Long ago in my drug days. I have had it done to me...over and over and...heh. It’s always harder to wear the shoe on the other foot though isn’t it. I am grateful for the pain of loss. It taught me by example what kind of friend I don’t want to be. If a diamond is in a raging fire, would u reach in and grab it even though you know you might get burned and it will hurt? Fuck yeah you will. When your trust is reciprocated by another it is that diamond.

Friends come and go but family is forever. What if you don’t get along with your family? What if you don’t have family? Friends can be family too. Men come and go. And when they go with pieces of your heart in the tread of their boots, who is there to stroke your hair when you cry? Who is there to sit on the phone with you for hours listening to you sob and grieve? Who is there to go get ice cream and sit through back to back chick flicks? Who spends the night so you won’t have to be alone? Who drags you out of your slippers and hussies you up for a night on the town after you’ve been a hermit for a month? Your sisters. Don’t ever forget it. Sisters should be and for me are forever.

**And before you go, remember one thing, when you do have the misfortune of getting hurt by a code breaking traitor, remind yourself that it isn't your fault, it's them. Maybe they will get wise and grow up...maybe they won't. All you need to do is move on, dust yourself off, tuck that lesson in the Learned Box and continue on. There are better women out there with love to give. Keep looking and don't lose faith.

Who loves ya? :?)