A Gherkin up my Ass?
I am officially in Trying-Not-To-Make-My-Life-About-My-Guy Mode.
I have gotten so caught up in the romance, attention and affection that I have gotten used to things being a certain way. Things that I need and deserve...things that have stopped cold turkey.
This past week has been Mindfuck Week. Had that great weekend with The Manfriend and then all week we have hardly corresponded. I don’t think we’ve even talked on the phone come to think of it. He hasn’t been his usual attentive self at all. So combine that with the snappy stuff going on over the last few visits and well, let’s just say that the honeymoon is over.
As much as I don’t like to think it, something is amiss. I sense it. I know he’s busy. I know he works all of the time…but something is amiss and it is eating me up inside. And yes we’ve talked about it. He is coming here tonight so let’s see how it pans out. My fears are it is either one of or a combination of the following:
1.) Now that he “has” me, he doesn’t feel he needs to put the same effort into the relationship/me. Why do guys do this? It is so idiotic which just confirms that men are stupid. What they don’t understand is if they stop putting the energy into us, they essentially stop being the person we fell in love with and then we end up torturing ourselves trying to figure out what the fuck is going on, who this person in our bed is and why we only “recognize” them part of the time. It just pushes us right the fuck out of the relationship.
2.) He has met someone else or reconnected with someone either in person or online or a both. This would explain the distance between us but I don’t think he is that kind of guy. Don’t know about “harmless” emails or IMing though…don’t know why he would need the attention from someone else, I give him enough. Needlesstosay, my hackles are up and claws out just in case.
3.) His heart just isn’t where it was. This would be the worst case scenario and if it’s true, I would just like to fucking know so I can move on with my life. Drown myself in vodka and casual sex until looking at a picture of him or seeing him online or thinking about him or something triggering a memory doesn’t make me want to slash my arteries and bleed out on his doorstep. (His cat would be thrilled I am sure. I could see that Orange Demon’s furry face now with its feline smirk as if to say “My plan has worked once again..another female bites the dust.”)
So his flight doesn’t come in till 9:45 tonight and then we have to haul ass to the city to catch The Church. God I was listening to their mp3s this morning, it will be weird to see them live, it totally reminds me of sophomore year in high school when I was in love with this mod boy. A mod/punk and a glam rocker...our love was doomed from the beginning. He loved The Church…I remember cutting class and listening to the cassette with him on my boom box behind a chinese restaurant in downtown San Rafael while smoking weed. Funny thing is My Man kind of reminds me of him…he was an artist too. Weird. Funny how we associate periods of our lives with the music we were into at the time and how certain bands will forever remind us of someone like fingerprints of our past.
Oh and I really hope he hasn't been reading this journal. I recall drunkenly checking my journal comments from his apartment and don't know if I cleared the history. Come to think of it, all this weirdness started after that trip. Hrrrmmmm...I hope he isn't reading this because that would be well...icky. But if he is, I love you honey and am just venting...as Brigette Jones (my fictional British twin) says, "It's just a diary...everybody knows that diary's are full of crap."
Stay tuned darlings...we will soon find out if the problem lies behind Curtain #1, #2 or #3 or if I just have a giant gherkin up my ass...news at 11.
posted by Rachel @ 4:17 PM
5 Comments:
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