The E True Hollywood Story: Potato Toe
In September of 2003 I went to Sacramento to see a girlfriend of mine for some dancing and debauchery. As ever, I was dressed up, drunk and in a mad rush to get more beer before 2:00 a.m. so we hauled our hookered-out asses on over to the Shell station where we picked up two cases of Corona. As we were running back to my hotel room as fast as my 6” clear stripper open toed shoes would carry me, my left foot rammed directly into a section of sidewalk that was jutting up from the pavement. Tumbling over, I held the case of beer over my head and did not break one bottle. *cheers* But did damn near break my left big toe. It hurt for a minute but the alcohol numbed all pain and we partied till the wee hours of the morning.
The next day, I thought I was going to die. My head and my left toe were throbbing; the toe was purple and caked with dried blood. It hurt. A lot. I waited a month before taking the polish off and was horrified by what lay underneath. It was black and was loose on the nail bed but not quite hanging off. If I wore closed toed shoes, I would die so I faired the cold Northern California weather in open toed shoes. Finally in November, the night before I was to meet my current man friend in person, Left Toenail fell off. I won’t get into what activity I was immersed in which caused said toenail to be torn from the nail bed but let’s just say it came off quickly and painlessly at the time. *heh* What lay beneath was a frightening sight. It was Frankentoe. Stretching from the cuticle over about a quarter of the nail bed was a warped fledgling toenail. Unsure of what it was supposed to do, just there, growing like some mutant, some separate entity on my body, a parasite and I‘m the host to this foreign body. I missed my cute normal toenail, what was I going to do now? Every time I go out, I wear open toed shoes! How was I going to cope with this monstrosity? *sob*
My boyfriend thinks feet are cute and he named the Mutant Toe, Potato Toe; which I thought had a better ring to it. So I became one with Potato Toe. We dined together, danced together, we shared some laughs. But all good things must come to an end sometimes. While in LA over the weekend, my friend Erika and I went to her nail salon to have our toes done. Erika suggested they build me a new toenail. Whoa! So, the docile Vietnamese girl who started my pedicure pulled out her acrylic kit and goodbye Potato Toe.
She was so gentle with the motorized file blaster and I was amazed at her delicate and expert shaping of New Toe. She was a little surprised when I started taking pictures…
We can rebuild it...
Best goddamn foot massage this side of the Mississippi...
All done! Purdy toes in an hour - tadaaaaaaaa!
Honorable mention pic from the weekend...
Erika's gratuitous rack! Yes, they're real...yowza!
It was a long hard road and I will miss Potato Toe but in the end, it is better for everyone this way. Now I can wiggle my toes in public with pride and appreciation for New Toe and not hide in shame with Potato Toe.
Potato Toe will be missed.
posted by Rachel @ 9:15 PM
4 Comments:
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