Title Schmitle
I was reading Her Royal Highness Princess Pissypants of Catbutt’s blog this morning and let me clarify my "Code of Sisterhood" does not apply to lame stupid bitches ‘cuz at the end of the day, I am selective about my friends and well, stupid bitches are stupid and stupid people annoy me. I tend to befriend chicks who are more like guys…chicks like me...but also at the end of the day, we are still chicks and no matter how well we get along with men, they are another species and we need to stick together.
So moving on, I went to tan for the first time in almost 5 months since I have been trying to budget my money after kicking The Ex to the curb and had to get rid of certain guilty pleasures like tanning and maid service *sob*. Well, the lack of tanning has left me pale and that leaves every scar and stretch mark visible like it's being displayed for the world to see under horrid flourescent lighting like they have at Ralph's...so I bought 10 turbo tans in The Orbit. This machine tans you in 12 minutes as a regular bed would in three 20 minute sessions...fucken a, sign me up! So I bought 10 and after shelling out the HIGHWAY ROBBERY price for them (still not as gay as the lame spray on tan so widely popular in LA), I had my 12 minute Orbit baking session and have fried my ass so bad that the skin is raised. It literally hurts to sit down and I am sure if anyone sees my grimace as I ease into my chair, they will probably think I have really bad hemorrhoids. I hope I don’t come in tomorrow to find a tube of Preparation H on my desk or a floral donut shaped pillow on my chair.
On my way back from the tanning salon, there was traffic which pisses me off to no end because I live in Cow Town and Cow Towns don’t have traffic, mmkay? I mean we have a fucking DUCK CROSSING for fuck sake, like there is no crying in baseball, there should be no traffic in Cow Town. Creeping along while cursing rubberneckers and sucking down my soy white chocolate mocha, I get closer to the hoopla and notice cop cars and an ambulance…and as I pass by, I slow down to 2.4 miles per hour as I ogle at the pedestrian who got hit by a car and was laying in a pool of blood on the crosswalk. So I have come to the conclusion to forgive rubberneckers because they can’t help it. It’s like when you see a dead animal on the side of the road, you don’t wanna’ look but ya’ gotta’ look…it’s an involuntary impulse. So I have decided I am going to save my middle finger for more deserving idiots like people who drive under 65 mph in the fast lane, people who come to a complete stop at yields (it’s yield which means slow down and let assholes go first, not STOP and sit there till next Wednesday), fucking idiot driving students in the gay cars with two steering wheels, teenie boppers who have their music so loud they can’t hear you honking your horn after the light has turned green yet they are still sitting there bc they’re too busy singing Justin Timberlake’s new cheese single into each other’s closed fists like they’re on American Idol, and last but certainly not least, I will save my middle finger for the gross guys who think that catcalling, wolf whistles and flicking their tongue between their fingers are mating calls.
Now back to regular programming.
posted by Rachel @ 12:38 PM
3 Comments:
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