So Fuck Off
I am not a morning person. Vehemently NOT a morning person. This is not my fault, I would love to be one of those chipper fuckers who springs out of bed in the morning, draws the curtains, takes in a deep breath of fresh crisp air and bounds through the morning with a gleaming smile. I am the Anti-Morning Person. I practically wake up on a broomstick. When I wake up in the morning, it takes about 3 snooze button hits to actually get out of bed, my legs have been transformed to lead overnight so it takes great effort to swing them over the side of the bed and then I heavily step to the bathroom like the goddamn Iron Giant. My hair always looks like I got fucked by a football team all night (step off Tina Turner, here comes somethin' meatier). My eyes are puffy and half glued shut, the standard pillow seam/crease imprint in my face that doesn't go away til at least 10 or so and I have the basic look of a person tortured. Night owls should be allowed to have our own schedule and not be forced to conform to society's early bird schedules. Night owls offspring should be allowed to start school at noon so we can all stay up til 2:00 a.m. and sleep til 10:00 a.m. I wonder if I should write my congressman.
Until my new Night Owl law is passed, I am thinking about posting a disclaimer on my forehead:
FUCK OFF UNTIL AFTER LUNCH
Furthermore:
a.) Do not approach me before at least 11:00. Up to that time, you will get only brief eye contact or a Wassup head nod. I am not wired to offer anything more in the way of pleasantries as I am supressing Fuck off's in my head, sometimes literally biting my tongue to refrain from doing so as I inch away from "that" coworker who has to tell me everything her stupid fucking shitzu did the night before. I don't fucking care Lady. You should have drop-kicked the dumb fucking dog mkay now fuck off.
b.) Do not corner me in the break room to engage in idle chit chat. News flash: I don't give a fuck so fuck off.
c.) There is no need to greet me and ask how I am doing everytime I walk by your goddamn office. In any given morning, as I make my way to and from the break room, fax machine, copier, or bathroom, I go through this with everyone at least 5 times because my office is at the far end of the goddamn building. I am still Fine thank you like I was 5 fucking minutes ago so fuck off.
d.) Don't expect me to do actual work before lunch. I mean, my brain is not awake and I am in a goddamn bad mood so fuck off. I am blogging here so again fuck off.
e.) Basically just Fuck Off in general.
In other news, aside from my new fucked up hair, I have Neil Sedaka playing in my head...Breakin' up is hard to doooooooooo... No shit Sherlock. I should write a song about how kicking him to the curb is the easy part but getting your name off all the goddamn joint accounts is a fucking bitch. The boat, the hot tub, the goddamn mortgage, when the fuck did I become an adult and acquire all this fucking responsibility IE BAGGAGE??? I long for the days of irresponsibilty...the days when I lived by the seat of my pants, table dancing my way through life to support musician boyfriends who were going to take care of me when they made it big...just need that new Les Paul baby...yeah I'll pay you back...um...ok I don't quite miss that but at least when they left, all they left behind was their rancid memory. Not all this loose end bullshit. But alas, I must ask myself, what would Barberella do?
So I adust my breasts in my silver vinyl rabbit fur trimmed spacesuit, toss my hair over my shoulder, and get in my bubblecraft to find that hunky blind angelman for a heavenly sexual experience...ah yes, heavenly sexual experiences are always the answer...even if you have to do it yourself...so fuck off.
posted by Rachel @ 9:18 AM
4 Comments:
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