Perfectly Imperfect
The weekend started out fairly rocky. The man friend had a hectic week of work, both day job and freelance so things were a bit distant; which is fine, I am not the type of girl who needs to be with or validated by her boyfriend constantly. I appreciate my own time to work, study, do whatever as much as the next person but I was missing him since my soul sucking job blows and being with him on IM is really the only thing I look forward to during the work day…but alas, we hadn’t really talked on the phone all week and he wasn’t his usual fun & attentive self on IM; hence making me feel ashamedly needy. Ugh. I hate even admitting it but it’s true I was feigning the Everything’s ok front but inside all I wanted was for him to be Mr. Romantical-Attentive-Sweetheart-Boyfriend.
By the time Friday rolled around, I was ready to see him. I was so excited to just be together and hang out, be in his arms and shut out the rest of the world and all my troubles for an entire weekend. But traffic threw a wrench in my plan. By the time I arrived at the Oakland airport, the traffic was so bad getting into the airport, it took me 25 minutes just to get to the fucking sidewalk of the airport where he was waiting, then another good half hour of inching along out of the airport to the freeway. I felt like killing someone. Both of us tend to get cranky and quiet when we are hungry so basically that whole time was spent in silence. By the time we finally got the restaurant, we both felt like we were going to pass out, kill someone or scream. Seated and bread in hand, his Normalcy-Meter started to rise but I was still in Famine-Mode since I don’t eat bread. So we ordered drinks and an appetizer. Poached lobster on whipped potatoes and I got a chocolate martini (which this joint is supposed to be famous for). The drinks come and as soon as I put my lips to my drink, he says “Baby, that looks disgusting.” He said it with so much disgust that it offended me and I set the drink down and said “Gee thanks.” Then he said something to the effect of it not being personally towards me but I was already irritated by traffic and hunger and annoyed that he would say something like that AS I was ingesting it and was now in Shut Down Mode. The appetizer came and it was horrifying. It looked like someone had skinned and sliced a vagina up and set it on top of mashed potatoes with a frig of parsley on top. Feeling as if I would barf, I made the waiter take it away.
*awkward silence*
*random meeting of the eyes and looking away*
*looking around the restaurant but not at each other*
The food finally comes and during the meal, for the first time ever, we really had nothing to say to each other. The weekend prior he had snapped at me a few times and I think when he started snapping at me again on this night, it all sort of came up like boiling kettle. He snapped at me a few times over dinner and I was just pissed off. All I could tell myself was “I am not going to tolerate this in my life.” But I didn’t say anything. I was quiet and when we got to my place, I did laundry and went to sleep. It was very uncomfortable.
I woke up early, around 7:30 on Saturday which is something I never do but I needed some Me Time. I did pilates, went to tan, got us frappacinnos, took a shower and got ready for the day. I woke him up and was very nice to him, trying to start over and have a nice weekend. He responded as I hoped and we went to eat and then to the movies. We saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with Jim Carrey and it was amazing. If you didn’t like Being John Malkovich or Lost in Translation, you probably wouldn’t like this movie either but we loved it. Kate Winslet's character is named Clementine and well, I won’t ruin the movie for you guys but it touched me so much that I am going to name my baby girl kitty after her. Clementine. Awwwwwwww. You know, I was really tripping out because this movie had a message for me. I left with the same message as I got from the psychic reading. It is as if life is screaming for me to hear a message: Focus on now and appreciate what you have in the here in now instead of focusing on what is or might go wrong. That’s the message I got from the movie, despite what you know about a person, it doesn’t matter, appreciate them for who they are and enjoy them if you choose to have them in your life.
Do we really know how to enjoy each other? Do we get caught up in pointing fingers or sacrificing or being selfish? What is it truly mesh with another human being without all the bells and whistles? Who knows. I am sure it’s different for all of us. For the rest of the weekend, we just had fun together doing nothing. We saw a total of 5 movies, 3 in the theater, one rental and one PPV. Being with him, feeling safe and warm, my feet in his lap in the darkness of the theater, stealing glances at his kind face as he watched the screen, feeling his fingers interlacing mine, no agenda, no commitments, just being. Together. In love. In it's imperfection. I couldn’t think of one thing I would change. It was perfectly imperfect.
Things started off rocky but maybe for a reason. Maybe life is telling me to slow down and smell the roses. Maybe all this change I am preparing myself for has become too much of a focal point and I am not really seeing what’s there in front of me. Seeing what’s there in it’s totality, the positive and the negative, because love is unconditional and as much as we seek it, how many of us are truly capable of it ourselves and if we are, do we truly give it to the ones we love?
posted by Rachel @ 5:45 PM
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