A... Errrr Colorful Week
It has been an eventful week my friends.
I went to the lake with my family to chill and by the end of the holiday weekend my arm was itching for an internet fix. I thought my email would be flooded by the time I got home but there were only like 9 messages. And thank you for making me feel important but I really don’t need special cream that will enlarge my penis by at least an inch and I don’t need to subscribe to your service that guarantees that I will find love.
While at the lake we decide to take the boat out for a spin so my brother could water ski. The boat was feeling a little jerky and while my brother was in the water waiting for us to take the slack out of the line, the boat died. Yup, all five of us were out on the water stranded. Great. I wonder if I could flag down some toofless local to tow us back. All the boats were much further out as we were floating over to the rocky bank at this point. So my brother was still in the water and I suggested he tow the boat back. He gave me a look like I was batty and I said I would help him. So he started to swim with the rope tied around his waist. I got my life jacket on and sat at the bow of the boat supervising. I was helping…it was a very important role I was playing; I mean what if he started going the wrong way? I thought I was going to piss my bikini bottoms I was laughing so hard as we inched maybe five feet in ten minutes. Finally I flagged a fishing boat down and they towed us to our dock. Phew. By the time we got there, we were all high from the gas fumes from their boat.
Fanks for da ride fowlks.
Just when I thought that I was actually going to get through the three weeks with my parents unscathed, well minus the small scuffle with my mom over the weekend, as I was packing on Tuesday, two members of my family came home screaming at each other and slamming doors. Big blow out. My family is comprised of five people who all happen to be very independent, headstrong, and passionate and at times stubborn. It is not a wise choice to piss any of us off and when we fight with each other, man, unleash the beasts. So I spent the last night I was there sitting and talking individually with my folks trying to make them feel better and realizing that some distance from this drama is going to be a good thing. As much as I love them, when there is a problem in my family, it’s a big drama. It will be nice to offer support via phone and email and not have to see their pain so often. I mean, it isn’t always bad but when the same things are issues over and over, why not change it? You can’t change other people so something can always be adjusted within yourself to deal with a situation in another way. That’s just how I feel anyway. I don’t understand how people can deal with the same gripes over and over and not do something productive to change their situation. I mean, really now, get off the pot or shit.
After the rollercoaster ride with the actual purchasing process of my new home, two days before I am to move, the escrow officer called me to let me know “Everything is funded and we’re ready to roll. Congratulations on your new home. Oh by the way, there were some miscalculations in your closi8ng costs so we are going to need another $2800 from you.”
:?|
Oh sure buddy I’ll just cruise over to my local Money Tree and pick off 28 C-notes for ya mkay?
Fuck it so I took it out of my quickly depleting savings and forked it out. I got fee’ed to death. It costed me $9K to buy this place. I had no idea it costed so much to buy a place. Blows my mind. Anyway so right after that phone call, my movers call me to let me know they are still in Seattle and won’t be able to make our 10am appointment tomorrow but will be there instead by 4pm. Uhhhh not ok. I have to be in LA by 6pm to get my keys and take possession of my new place. So I had to ask an ex-coworker to meet them for me and they ended up not leaving until 6:45pm. I felt so bad that my friend had to wait around that long. I have to send him something nice. Like a pass to his local golf course or something. I don’t know. How much is that anyway? Golf is expensive…maybe I’ll send him a pass to the movies instead. It’s the thought that counts right?
Although I was sad to leave, while I was driving down I-5 on Wednesday, I was filled with excitement. I rocked out to Queensryche, STP, Maiden and The Cure and sang the whole 6 hour drive. About an hour outside LA, my agent called me to inform me that the sellers left my new place filthy. Oh great. So I stop off in Valencia and cruise over to the Wal-Mart there to pick up cleaning supplies. I ended buying a whole cart full of shit. I swear will go into a store for tampons and end up with a trunk full of bags. I have no impulse control but I needed that Brita water filter pitcher that has a digital reader which will inform you when it is time to change the filter. As I am approaching the check stands, I notice there are no checkers.
:?|
I went Rainman up in there.
Uhhhhh oh boy. Definitely definitely checkers on Wednesdays at Wal-Mart. Definitely checkers. Oh boy.
The lady in front of me had to coach me on how to check your own items and then how to pay for them. I was wondering how they know if you steal or not when I moved a few of my scanned items into my cart and a goddamn alarm went off. PLEASE REPLACE ITEMS BACK IN BAGGING AREA.
Holy Big Brother Batman.
The lady comes over and has to enter her security code into the pay station thing so I can pay.
“Please don’t do that again. The items have to remain in the bagging area until you have paid.”
Sorry Super Wal Mart Sally.
Sheesh.
Then I get to my car and realize it is already packed with shit.
Fuck.
So I have to reload my car to get all the shit I just bought into it and had ZERO rear view mirror viewing access into my new town. My poor cat meowing the whole way in his crate under Wal Mart bags.
Ahhh hooome. It was bittersweet. I realized I have no fireplace here. Balls. Ok well nothing I can do about it now. I was happy at the size. It’s like 5 square feet smaller than my old place but since the layout is so much more open, it looks way bigger. So I start cleaning….and cleaning…and cleaning…I could not believe people lived like this. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover this woman had never touched cleaning supplies since she lived here. I know now that I have no future in the janitorial industry because as I was cleaning the shower, the bristles of the brush caught the drain and I yanked a NINE INCH LONG clump of HAIR out of it. I was gagging. Literally. I almost hurled right there. I cleaned for four hours and it hardly made a dent. I need to go get some of that CLR shit. Or some dynamite to just blow it up and start over. I paid my homeowners insurance…I could say Wiley the Coyote did it while trying to apprehend the Roadrunner.
The movers inform me that they will be arriving at my place around 3am. Ugh. OK. So 4 am rolls around and my boyfriend and I greet them at the door. Immediately the neighbor across the street starts bitching and we were being really quiet. I was amazed at how quiet these movers were being. So the fucker calls the cops! 4:30 am, on the eve of my first night in LA and already I get the cops called on me. Welcome to LA. I ended up bullshitting with one of the officers for about 20 minutes and he leaves. Very cool guy and luckily I have an uncle who worked LAPD homicide department for about 30 years and is something of a legend in his own right so I was able to drop my uncle’s name and become this guys instant buddy. Luckily he didn’t file a report on me but did come back later offering coffee.
The movers left at 7:45 am. They couldn’t get my bedroom armoire upstairs so now I have to rig it to fit my living room TV and use it as an entertainment center even though it doesn’t match my living room furniture. Things could be worse. After a weak 2 hour sleep, the cable guy came and installed my cable and INTERNET ACCESS!! Yeah baby! Then I had to have the seller' agent come over and take the fucking broken washing machine they left here and the dryer. My washer & dryer were sitting on my porch like lost puppies. Turns out my dryer wouldn't work here because it's 220V or some shit and the hookups here are gas so I got theirs which works out fine because it's newer. They finally left at 5:30 and finally I was free. I could leave the house and my bf and I went to have wings and snow crab legs at Hooters. As I sat their eating, stealing buttery kisses from my man and watching the waitresses hussle by in their short shorts and big jugs, I knew this was right. I was home. Once we got home to my place, I finally hit the sheets. I slept like the dead and today I feel like a million bucks!
I’m in LA. Ahhhhhh. Now time to unpack.
:?|
Yay.
I won't be seeing my kid until the 25th which makes me sad but he is so much better off in Mexico and then to Canada vacationing with my parents til then than here amongst all this chaos. I can't wait til he gets here to a new home, all painted and unpacked. It's gonna rock.
posted by Rachel @ 1:09 PM
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