Think I'm Moving On....
Now that I have a place to move to in LA and am actually doing the packing thing, I have completely lost my mind. I have been packing up our things and periodically breaking down into tears!
What the fuck?!
I take inventory:
Is moving away really what I want?
Yes.
Do you really think you are going to ruin your child's life if you move to LA?
No, that's silly.
Even before you had a boyfriend who lived in LA, did you still want to move there?
Yes.
So what's your fucking problem?
I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!
Nerves. Last minute jitters. Cold feet. Insecurity. Uncertainty. Fear. Lions, Tigers, & Bears. Oh my.
I keep thinking about the positives of moving and then the possible negatives creep in like bad dreams. Interest rates are going up...I know this...might not be the best time to get into real estate. What if I can't make ends meet on a 100% commission career? I have no one else to fall back on if I am not bringing in any income. Also, in the forefront of my mind is the fact that not having the distance to hide behind anymore, my relationship is going to be real. That also means that the possibility of it ending is real too. Should I let my son get attached to my boyfriend? What if we break up? Can I put my son through that again? How much time together is the right amount of time and how much space should I put between them? Where's the fucking handbook for this shit?
Life is so much more complicated when you are a parent. I carry this heavy guilt of not providing my child with the security of an intact family. I put him through divorce, a break up with the guy he called Dad for 4 1/2 years, now moving away from his grandparents he loves so much...I guess if worse comes to worse, after 2 years in LA, we can always move back if it doesn't pan out.
It's funny. You really never appreciate what you have til you lose it. I have been focusing on how unhappy I am in this hicktown for so long that I didn't fully appreciate the awesome home I have built here for myself and my son. These walls have seen so much. So many memories. Five years worth of laughter and tears. My baby grew into a little man here. I finally packed up his baby clothes and am letting them go. No reason to hold onto tiny socks and bibs forever. I am going to let him pull out the things he wants to hold onto and the rest go with The Salvation Army when they get here on Monday.
I guess I'm moving on.
No one said it was going to be easy.
posted by Rachel @ 1:18 PM
3 Comments:
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