Spooge Pie and The Missing Monkey
Project Painting to the 80s is still under way. I just came downstairs to visit with y’all since I know you miss me. Heh.
Last night I bought some coconut cream pie for desert and the box clearly said KEEP FROZEN so I dutifully put it in the freezer when I unloaded the groceries (heh. I said “LOAD” hahaha). Inspired by Pisser’s Can’t Buy Me Love (Enchiladas) post, I decided to make cheese enchiladas. Not too shabby and I have to say, slathering sour cream on pretty much anything improves it’s taste by 32%.
My sister and I gabbed until my son’s 118th Moooooooom, when are we having piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee? finally got my lazy ass out of the chair and to the freezer. I could not even get the knife in to cut the fucking thing. It was coconut cream giant hocky puck pie. So I did what any self-respecting single mother would do…I nuked it.
What came out of the microwave was Spooge Pie.
*RETCH*
After one adventurous bite, my eyes got as big as saucers and I ran to the toilet and spit it out. Kinda reminds me of a romantic evening with the Manfriend. *snicker*
Riding the heels of failed desert, my son decided to go into fit overdrive. *Mental note: Never, ever, I repeat, NEVER, say Yes when your child asks if he/she can have a Mountain Dew.
We all need to embrace our inner 3 year old and he did so with fervor and passion. Stomping and running in place while whining
“I doooooonnnnnnn waaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ggooooooooooooooooo toooooooooooooooooooooooo beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed MOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!”
My breath became more labored, my eyes began to roll back in my head in search of my Happy Place. It wasn’t there. And neither was Monkey.
Monkey is one of four stuffed animals my son HAS to sleep with or else he literally will try to get the phone to call 911.
From left to right we have…
Ramona the Raccoon. This raccoon has a Spanish accent and when you squeeze it’s belly it says ”I am Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrramoooona, hasta la vista baby.” (Who ever was the content producer on these toys was not very creative by the way.)
DJ the Monkey. He’s real soft and apparently is Ramona’s boyfriend.
Whitey (Hey, HE named them, not I!) the Cat. When squeezed, Whitey will emit the loudest fucking Meow ever heard by human ears. Dogs in Phoenix start barking.
And last but certainly not least, there is Baby Bear. This is the bear I bought for my son 3 years ago for Valentine’s Day. I get him a stuffed animal every V-day, Sonic-Boom-Meowing-Whitey was this year’s gift.
For the next HOUR, we looked all over the goddamn house, high and low, cursing under my breath between griited teeth, praying to Goddess for the strength to get through this, (Patience where you be?!), dodging machine gun questions as I tear the house apart while my son follows with furrowed brow and wringing his little hands...I finally find Monkey stuffed neatly between the washer and the dryer half-wrapped in a towel looking rather comfortable and is that a smile I see on it's brown fuzzy face?!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I was spent.
I look at my son.
He looks at me.
He smirks.
I look at my son.
I am not amused.
“Ohhhhh that’s riiiight. DJ was tired so I put him in a blanket for a nap.”
“Well next time DJ needs a nap, put him in a bed like a normal person.”
“Mom…DJ is not a person, he’s just a toy. Even a kid knows that.”
I look at my son.
I can't think of a good come back.
“OK! Time for bed.”
Hey, it's as good as any. Right up there with my favorite come back "Because I said so." Man paybacks are a bitch.
I could have went there. I could have told him that Whitey is having an affair with DJ as shown below and will soon be featured on the next episode of Cheaters.
But it would have just been a low blow and gosh darnnit, I'm above that.
posted by Rachel @ 9:28 AM
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