The Hill That Lies Ahead
I am back. Hated Livejournal. Much has transpired since I have last posted. Got married, had my second child and moved to Portland, Oregon from LA. The relief is overwhelming. If I got any more jaded, I would have turned green. I do appreciate the friends I met there and whom I miss dearly...and the time I spent there pursuing my dream of becoming an artist. I can't say I left Hollywood with broken dreams. It is more like leaving Hollywood with re-prioritized dreams. I worked hard and I wish I had had a little more time to explore it in the city of "industry" but opportunity is everywhere. It's all what you make of it. Maybe I will be less likely to get a magazine layout in a major magazine or with a celebrity now that I am no longer in LA but I leave LA with three things I didn't have when I got there: a career, a husband and a daughter. Not too shabby!Since I have been on maternity leave, I realized that this is the first time in three years that I have not been enveloped in one project or another. The first time in a long time that I have had really nothing to do photography wise and I have had a lot of time to think. What do I want? Where do I see my career going? What are my dreams? Of course, I dream about growing old with my best friend, my husband and living out a long and happy life with him, watching our kids blossom into awesome adults and lead their own happy and healthy lives with their kids. I dream about doing what I love and not struggling and worrying anymore. I would love to make my living doing commercial and portrait work and doing my digital fine art. I'd love to shoot for magazines and have a space where I have a studio and a gallery. Something modest on a busy street with lots of foot traffic. Showing my own work, my husband's work, friend's work and artists from all over the world. Openings, photo shoots, bliss. And of course I dream about winning the Powerball. I mean $5 a week, we have to hit sooner or later...right? lol
Ahhh...think of it...just making a comfortable living, supporting myself and my family with my art and not having to struggle so damn hard anymore. My art. It sounds so weird to me still. I am an artist. It makes me a little giddy. I always thought of an artist as someone who can draw. Maybe I will post some of my prepubescent attempts at sketching. What the hey, maybe I will post that dragon-mermaid I drew while on acid when I was 14. So maybe I am a cliche...a struggling artist. The struggle comes from my ignorance. It is a frustrating ordeal when you discover what you want later in life and do not have the means or opportunity to educate yourself the conventional way. I am a mother of two. I don't have the luxury of internships, assisting, going to college for my BFA. Instead, I read everything I can on the subject, I push myself practicing until my work emulates the level of professionals. I have a long way to go. And maybe, in that perfect world where I was able to do all of the above, I would still be a struggling artist. Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna' get. That Forrest Gump was a smart ma-aaan.
Now, in this new place, something is happening to me. My interest in digital art has grown so intense that it is all I have been thinking about lately. And when I get focused on something, I am hyperfocused. My work is not where it needs to be. I need to learn. I need to practice. I can do better. But how...I look at the work of artists like Maggie Taylor and I swoon. Intense desire to create like that.
Spending late nights up with the baby, I keep myself awake while cradling her by perusing profiles and websites online, admiring the art of many. A pang of regret here, a surge of jealousy there, the longing for my talent to be matched to theirs. My work to be shown in galleries and limited edition prints coveted by legions of fans. Wondering how different my life would have been if I was able to go to college, learn photography and design and...intern for a big time photographer, learned the ropes, and where I would be if I had had those opportunities presented to me. If I had known when I was young what my calling was. If I had had the self confidence to propel me forward and not keep me dazed in a ten year haze working out my daddy issues. If, if, if...then the rhythmic breathing of my little 6 week old daughter snaps me out of chasing the mice in my head and I realize that while I may not be where I want to be career-wise, I would not trade my family for anything. So, onward we go...reevaluating...redefining...envisioning...empowering...doing. There is no reason why my art can't be as good as the artists I admire. I got this far on my own, I can keep climbing. So photography isn't all that I want to do anymore. I want to focus on fine art...I can do that. While it makes it a harder hill to climb, I am going to continue climbing it until I get there.
That being said, I need some motivation. I need to go back to what sparked the love for art in the first place. Women. I love photographing women. Erotic photography, if you please. How can you not love taking pictures of beautiful nude women? I honed my skills in this genre and I miss it so I decided to go ahead and accept an offer from SG to shoot for them here in Portland. While I was in LA, I was advised against shooting anything erotic in order to be taken seriously in the "industry". It's funny, I busted my ass to appeal to commercial clients in the "industry" and reworked my entire portfolio to give it a commercial look to attract commercial work. Well, truth be told, I did not get commissioned for any commercial work. I did a damn good job with presentation, eh? lol I get letters from people asking for jobs, intern positions and advice on how to break into the industry. Well, as flattering as that all is, those are all things I would really like to know too! When you find out, let me know!
I am going to start figuring out this marketing thing so I can land some commercial and portrait work. If anyone reading this godforsaken blog has any advice that would be useful here...it will come back to you tenfold! If you don't may you be get crabs from the next public toilet that you use.
Now, I gotta go...gotta get climbin' that hill...
XO
Rachel
**Edit** Due to the P.I.T.A. factor, agreement terms not turning out to be what I agreed to and ridiculously low buyout price for my work, I decided not to move forward with the SG gig. My time would be better spent marketing portrait clients than busting my ass fulltime for someone else's web site doing eight shoots a month when I could make the same amount on two portrait clients. Sometimes you have to believe in yourself and the quality of your work and not sell yourself short.
posted by Rachel @ 5:24 PM
11 Comments:
i found you!
i wish i had some pointed advice for you, but alas i have no experience in this field.
however, i can offer support.
xo
I'll hold your hand while you trudge the hill. Of course, you'll have to listen to my heavy panting, but what else is new? :)
I couldn't ask for better friends. :)
we love you, dear.
So glad to see you back, Raych. I couldn't really dig that livejournal space, either. My, how things've changed since you were (really) here last.
Congratulations on all of it.
I'm coming to the realization that the majority (like, 99%) of humans are miserable because no matter what station we're at in life, we always want more. As I think you're discovering, while there is excitement in chasing the things you do not (yet) have, true joy is in actually wanting the things you have at present.
I wish you good luck in all your pursuits.
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2017.7.7
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