ground control to rachel...earth to rachel...come in...over.

We don't need no stinkin' impalement needles!

Writing is a form of therapy but for attention whores like me, I need to post it in a public forum in order to make it work.

I am in my 15th week of being host to our precious parasite and thus far have been enjoying:

1) Morning sickness which does not hit you just in the morning. It hit me all hours of the day and night and not only did I get to barf a lot, I got to make a scene about it since it sounded like Linda Blair hurling gravel into the toilet.

2) Sudden growth of breasts which were already a 36D thank you and now require their own zipcode. Ass and thighs not far to follow for own zipcode registration at the local post office. Toting melons of this size may sound amazing to some of you but imagine carrying two heavy sandbags on your chest constantly and your brastraps leaving deep red painful marks in the tops of your shoulders. SWEET! While some men pay good money to enjoy these on video and some women pay even more to enjoy these surgically, all I want to do is have them reduced!

3) Complete and total aversion to any and all physical contact. It gave me the skin crawly heebie geebies. I mean, what's the big deal? I got plenty of lesbo porn on dvd for the ole man. He can suffer with me during this trying time. I get stretch marks, he gets blue balls. FWM (Fine With Me!)

4) Parasite sucking all energy from my body and 40% of all brain function. My quick witted sarcasm went the way of the dodo. Now I try to deliver a curve ball and it hits a pole and bounces right back in my face. Well, at least I got a reciprocal sense of humor. (See? THAT makes sense to me)

5) Feeling wiped off of all social calendars and falling deeper into Left Out Depression resembling something of a fat bellied asian Bridget Jones sipping my Irish tea and singing ALL BY MYSELF while photoshopping the pits out of models' skin. (Sean of course tries to comfort me by letting me know he is here but it is HIS fault that I am in this hypersenstitive position in the first place so he gets the mute button). This is probably due to Myspace and seeing how much fun people are having via pics and comments and not being included...guess I'll go eat worms.

6) Completely growing out of all cool clothes that I collected so proudly after spending 6 years losing 125 lbs. Needless to say, gaining weight is a traumatic experience for me having had been so large in the past and experiencing the cruelty of people and self loating while wearing that weight.

7) Zits. Nuff said.

8) Hot. All the time just hot which does not couple well with tits suitable for casting in a Russ Meyers film.

9) Gas. The burping is what really is great because it comes out without warning and is usually quite loud. A real hit at Macy's makeup counters.

10) Puttering out at 10:00 every fucking night.


Along with a whole bunch of little things to deal with which I will spare you details about. But there is a little story I can tell you that can pretty much sum up my end of the stick lately:

My good friend Paige has been taking these phone pics of all these uplifting sidewalk affirmations scrawled in the pavement on random San Francisco streets...such as:



and



and this is my goddamn sidewalk affirmation:





Sweet.

So, today we went to the genetics counseling appointment for an amniocentesis. The great thing about being a little older when you have a kid is that you're risk of having a child with birth defects jumps from about 1 in 580 to 1 in 255. And the great thing about medicine is that they have a test that you can do around your 5th month that can screen for these defects via a needle through your abdomen, through your muscles, through your uterus, through the placenta and draws out the fluid.



SWEET! To make things even better, I got to drink 4 glasses of water before the appointment and was not allowed to pee. Now, this is probably as bad as a guy having to sit on his nutsack for a prolonged period of time. I was in hell. We got there on time and they were 45 minutes late taking us for the appointment. I was ready to bust some preggy kung fu on them bitches when they said the doctor was ready for us. I was on the table and that is when it happened. We were looking for a good spot for her to impale me with that horrifying 6 inch needle and we saw the baby moving around. Mind you...I said BABY...not parasite, not seahorse...it is a real baby now with a perfect round head and little arms and legs with toes...she said "And that's the hand looking for the mouth..." and Sean said "Is that the face??" and sure enough, it was. Our baby's face as if peering back at us from the ultrasound monitor.



My breath got caught in my chest and I started crying. Not sobbing like a little bitch or anything but seriously, it was beautiful. Sean squeezed my hand and I looked at him with tears in his eyes and the veil of shittiness was lifted.

Everything that seemed so horrible seems quite tolerable and some things seem quite wonderful.

When we got home, I was happy and you know what? That crap I read about more bloodflow during pregnancy making sex out of this world is not crap at all. I went baratone up in this mf. Hell, we even broke out The Wedge! The reason we are pregnant to begin with! OHHHHHH! HEAVEN'S ON FIIIIRE!

New outlook recap:

1) Not puking anymore unless the food sucks then I get weird attacks.

2) I am going to embrace my gazongas. Literally. I just did it. I mean, how many women can actually HUG their own tits?? It's kinda cool. Enjoy it while they're there.

3) Um, knickers please! I am taking advantage of this extra bloodflow. It gives a WHOLE new meaning to mutliorgasmic! In yo face nonpreggies! Houston, we have lift off.

4) Who needs a ton of energy when you get to have orgasms like I can? Sean can do the work in this regard! I will lay back and reap the benefits!

5) We were never, 'Let's have coffee' people. We were PARTIERS! So, during this time of no partying, it is OUR responsibility to reacclimate our friends to us. Not theirs. So, I can reach out to them and invite them to do things we can partake in instead of feeling sorry for myself that everyone is out having fun without us. Sure, it feels nice to be invited sometimes but I am not going to cry over spilt milk. I can take control of the situation instead of letting friendships fall by the wayside.

6) The weight gain isn't so bad. I can walk with my head high and show off my preggy pudge with pride. At least this time I am gaining weight to ensure the growth of a healthy baby instead of subconsciously gaining so my abusive prick of an ex husband wouldn't want to touch me in any other way than for my rounds of beatings. This time, I have an incredible man who adores me by my side telling me every single day that I am gorgeous and he loves me. I have an amazing 8 year old son who just cannot wait to be a big brother. So what if I get chubby in the process! When I looked at our baby and at Sean's face, so full of love and thankfulness for this child, my heart gave way to it. All of it. Besides, maternity clothes are cooler now than they were 8 years ago! I will wear my polyester mumus and my stretch denim capris with giant stretchy waistband with pride! People can look down their noses at me if they want. It's their loss. If they knew how good the sex was they would be scrambling to get knockered up! I can't believe I have been missing out on this for four months!

7) Zits can't get me down! I can make them beauty marks! 25 beauty marks just means I am 25% beautifuller than I was when I wasn't pregnant!

8) Boobsweat. The new hotness.

9) I am going to start rating my burps. Maybe even carry around little scorecards to make it interactive.

10) Maybe if I incorporate my new outlook in Item ..5, we will have stuff to do other than sit at home and work which might be exciting and give me the incentive to stay out later.

So, life is pretty fucking good. Even if they couldn't find a safe fluid pocket for the test and I have to go back next week for the needle impalement. Life is still good. Yeah. It fucking is.

posted by Rachel @ 10:23 PM