ground control to rachel...earth to rachel...come in...over.

sullen

So many things are inevitable. Things that you don't want to admit to. Things that even though you ventured into them with nothing but good intentions, they reek of inevitablity and you are left in the wake of mishap wondering why you are wearing the Kick me. I'm a failure - sign on your back again. I can hear my father's words in my head tonight as I sit in my room, my hands cold and my heart whimpering, You will always be a burden. Perhaps this attitude I grew up with is the reason I seek a man to complete me. Silly girlish daydreams of Prince Charming and slow motion movie kisses. Real life is not a movie. Real life has no filters and cutting room floors. It's raw and uncut. And it hurts.

And as I sit with ghosts of hurtful words haunting me and keeping me from sleep at night, I sit and I wonder. I wonder about all the what ifs, could haves, should haves, why nots, hope sos...and I wonder if possibly someday just maybe I will feel okay, without external associations, just safe and okay with myself, inside my skin, a fully functional self propelled entity in this thing called life. Will I? Could I? Should I?

I hope so.

posted by Rachel @ 2:11 AM