ground control to rachel...earth to rachel...come in...over.

Whoa

2007-05-11T11:24:00.001-07:00

Maybe I am jaded but I thought the days of trusting strangers were long gone?

Yesterday I witnessed two amazing gestures of trust:

1.) At the Starbucks across the street from our house we were enjoying Frapacinnos at a table near the door and the gentleman to our right who was sitting working on his laptop, got up, put his laptop on his seat and WENT TO THE BATHROOM. What?! We just stared at his laptop and not that we were going to lift it but were just amazed that he generally trusted his environment to respect his potty break and leave his valuables be. Whoa.

2.) After Starbucks we took the boy across the street to the hair salon to have his hair cut so he would resemble a nine year old boy and less of a bobblehead. I didn't know they didn't take debit cards so he LET US LEAVE AND BRING BACK CASH. What?! He never saw us before and let us leave without leaving collateral or making one of us stay behind. Whoa.

Just really makes me further appreciate where we live. Not only are the people friendly, the property values doable, the water and air clean and I haven't seen one gangbanger or wigger since I moved here, people trust you here. Not some false trust because they are vested in getting something they want from you for free but they just trust others.

Makes me really happy that we are raising our kids here. Makes me feel more confident in raising my daughter to be more focused on who she is than what she is. I was so worried about that in LA.

So we got that. :)

Carry on.

Ah Push It

2007-04-28T11:14:00.000-07:00

Push it real good!

A lil Salt N Peppa in the morning nevah hurt nobody! I have been pushing my Sirens makeover work everywhere I can find, online and even for the first time in print. The inquiries are slowly trickling in and thanks to my incessant networking drive, I have hooked up with a hooked up makeup artist. The girl knows a ton of people and we have decided to work together on Sirens. I have decided to reduce my rate and include makeup. We will see how it works out. Keep your fingers crossed! She has facilitated interest from two venues to showcase my work and we will be featured on the show More here in Portland. This time me and my work will be the feature story and not the model like the last two times I was on tv, being a peripheral. When I was on the Discovery Channel, you could see the back of my head for two seconds as I cooed YESSS GOOOORRRGEOUS! and then a 45 second montage of my images from the shoot they were filming flashed on the screen in a slide show. It was pretty cool! I never even saw the segment A&E shot but was told it was just a flash of her doing a photo shoot and a flash of one image but that was good enough for me. The credits roll so fast on those shows, no one sees who the photographer was but it was worth it to use as credits of my work. Now, I am going to be on tv, I have to get my fat post pregnancy weight in check! I have 30 pounds hanging on to my frame, the taunting consequence of my incessant guzzling of chocolate milk during pregnancy. But I will prevail! It's ironic that after 8 years of losing weight, the two times I was filmed for tv, I was in top shape and me myself was cut out of the shows but thank god my work wasn't and now that I am going to be on tv, I am fat again? This shit ain't right! I wish I could take diet pills to get it off quick but alas, I am breastfeeding and cannot. Gotta do it the hard way! Arrrgh! So with my career revving up, so am I. Size 6 lowriders here I come...

SIRENS MAKEOVER PORTRAITURE

2007-04-20T18:53:00.001-07:00

I'm doin it again. Back to my roots.

In a nutshell

2007-04-19T17:20:00.000-07:00

Whatever happened to this term? Are we becoming a long winded society that feeds on hours upon hours of news coverage that is redundant as fuck and completely mind numbing? Is it a tragedy that Anna Nicole Smith died? Yes. But we don't need three fucking months of news coverage speculating on what was evident for the last several years: DRUG ADDICT. Is the Virginia Tech killings a tragedy? Yes. But we don't need days upon days of speculation on what can be easily summed up in one word: CRAZY.

In a nutshell, I'm sick of the news. I am going to listen to my Dixie Chicks album now.

What does that mean??

2007-03-23T16:32:00.000-07:00

I bought The Dixie Chick's new album...WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???

Build it and they will come

2007-03-21T00:41:00.000-07:00

It's late and I wish the coffee shop was open so I could get myself a soy vanilla latte and curl up with it in front of my computer screen, the low hum of the fan inside the computer my only companion, the house asleep and still. So wonderfully still. Since I had my daughter, my days of incessant shooting, Photoshop and the relentless quest for finding my niche in the world of photography and making a living doing it have been overshadowed by taking care of baby and being a homemaker. Mind you, I don't say this with any negative connotation. I absolutely adore my daughter and I love being a mother. It is the one thing I am completely confident about in life. Does make being a freelance artist more of a challenge but when did I ever do anything the easy way? My son, he is the good kind of easy. He goes to school all day, gets himself ready for school and for bed, even makes his own snacks! It is tough going back to caring for a little person who depends on you every minute of the day for absolutely everything. The freedoms and selfishness I was getting back as my son got older, gone and so rewarding. I don't know how women with more than one little one (as in 4 and younger) do it. With only one at home all day it is difficult to find the time to get everything done: feed baby, change baby, rock baby, play with baby, laundry, rock baby, dishes, feed baby, dishes, rock baby, floors, change baby, bathrooms, lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Not finding the time for a shower til 10pm is a common thing! Mom always comes last and we savor rubbing our sacrifices in our kids' faces when they are old enough for guilt trips! lol I am solid in recognizing the rewards in my role as a mother. I need that professionally too. Making the choice to pursue a career that is so difficult to successful in is difficult on so many levels that I don't need to add to it by losing my passion and allowing my pursuit to become unrewarding.

My pursuit is multifaceted and the ripple effect of it affects more than just me. Many changes in my life affecting my pursuit. Marriage. Baby. Relocating. Changes worthy of sacrifice. Luckily I don't have to do something else, I just have to start over in a new place. A place we love. We have been here in Portland for two and a half months now. I have lost 30 of the 60 lbs I gained during pregnancy. My son has a lot of friends in his new school, is earning good grades and is on a baseball team. Éideann smiles and giggles now. Seán had a birthday. I shot for a signed band for a magazine publication and a few portrait clients. Things are progressing yet I am scattered. Distracted. Frustrated. I mull over marketing strategies and creative ideas but I always end up in the same corner kicking myself: If I am so talented, why am I not making the money to reflect it? Bad juju. I have to redirect my energies and find a way to be all of the things I need to be, that I want to be and appreciate the process without backing myself into that corner, that place, that state of mind that keeps me from being successful, in my heart, my mind and my wallet. I love being a mother. I love being a wife. I love being a friend. I love making a home for my family. I love being an artist. I love touching other people's lives with my art. I love myself. I love a lot. Nothing has to be put aside. If you love it, nurture it. Pretty simple. Right? This is me redirecting my energies. I cannot imagine my life doing anything other than what I am doing or imagine that this is not my destiny or fate or purpose. I think that what has not been working for me is that I have gotten focused on making money, not in the way of greed but the basic making ends meet sort of way, and have not been channeling my creativity. I've been doing it all wrong. I am a portrait artist. I capture people by not just taking their picture but capturing something inside of them that they so desperately want to express and don't know how or are too scared to try. That is a gift and I turned my back on it. No wonder I haven't been making enough money to support my family. If you love what you do, it shows. A great photographer once told me "Do what you love and the money will follow." I strayed from my path, not realizing that even though I was still doing photography, I got caught up in this tormenting cycle of working great images, not booking the work, doing more trades, not booking the work, envy and aggravation at other "less competent" photographers booking the work...reminds me of a joke I heard recently:

Q: How many photographers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 50. One to screw it in and 49 to say I COULD'VE DONE THAT!

If it were easy, we would all be photographers.

Simple. Funny. True. It isn't the first time I have gotten off course, well, assuming I knew precisely what the course was, that is. It isn't like saying OK I am going to be an accountant now and go through the steps of getting there and if you get through it then there is a job with a paycheck and benefits at the end of your struggles. None of that comes with being a photographer. So for those of you who have followed my struggle, here I am again, at a crossroads. I could continue on this path and most likely continue to feel confused, aggravated and bitter or I could take another path and see what journey lies ahead. I think I will go with the latter. I was never one to stagnate in a situation that wasn't working for me for too long. I give myself and all artists credit, man. I mean, how long would normal people do something without making enough to support themselves? We are a dedicated abnormal bunch.

During the few years that I have been shooting, I have gotten many letters and comments from strangers telling me that they love my work or that I am an inspiration to them. I don't take that lightly and sort of feel unworthy of it as I am trying to keep my head above water. I received an amazing letter from a soldier in Iraq who wrote to tell me he has been a fan of my work for a few years now and I have inspired him to pursue his dream of being a photographer. He is writing a book about his experience in war, self discovery and repositioning himself in career, spirit and life. He asked if he could interview me for the book. Wow. I mean, WOW. It really sent a powerful message to me. If I inspire others, why then, am I not an inspiration to myself? If others believe in me, why then, do I not believe in myself? I am so thankful for that letter and it makes me realize that I do have a gift and I am not nurturing it by pursuing anything that pays and becoming so bitter over the blanket of trades (translation: working for free) I am presented with. Instead of becoming bitter that someone doesn't want to pay for my services, I should seek people who I want to shoot for trade, for personal work that is meaningful to me and to my subject. Work that inspires and speaks to people. Work that is important. Not to everyone. But to me, to the muses of my future and to those the imagery speaks to. This is my purpose and I am marrying it.

I have also discovered that I really want to paint. I taught myself how to do what I have done, why limit myself to just that? So keep an eye out for that. Who knows, maybe I won't totally suck.

I have to always remind myself that I have two children I am raising and my example will greatly affect what kind of adults they will become. I want them to be strong and follow their hearts, pursue their dreams and live full and meaningful lives. I will make that possible by showing them that they can through my example.

To quote a terrible movie with a wonderful message:

Build it and they will come.

Busting caps in Suzanne Somers butt

2007-03-08T17:09:00.000-08:00

I'm not usually one to nap. It's not that I don't like it or want to, it's that it is rare that I can. I don't sleep or drink alcohol during the day. Weird huh? Just...can't. Well, when you have a baby and are completely sleep deprived, you learn to sleep when the baby sleeps. Not every day, most days I use the time she is sleeping to clean the house, do the laundry or try to get some marketing or Photoshop work done but today, I took a nap. No, no, fuck that, I fucking SLEPT. Hard. The kind of sleep when you wake up with a sleep headache and a pool of drool on the pillow. Groggy, I looked at the clock, he let me sleep for two hours! Sweet! As I lifted my dear girl up to feed her, the dream I had while napping unfolded in my head. It was so clear. I was living la vida loca, man! I was slangin', had painted on eyebrows and was even wearing low oversized Dickie's. I went to the store and was browsing the isles when Suzanne Somers ran into me with a shopping cart and then started yelling at me! Going on about "YOU PEOPLE" and yelling as she stomped past me...so I shot her in the butt.

I told Sean the story and he said, "Thighmaster won't fix that shit."

In other news, I am not sure I want to know the answer to this question but what is bukkake? I've heard it on Howard Stern, not sure what it means and I get spammed with porn junkmail and sometimes open them, this one said: Big d1ck bukkake with girls next door. Makes me pose the question once more, What is bukkake? If it is going to be anything like finding out what CREAM PIES are, for the love of all that is holy, do not tell me. I am still traumatized. *gag*

Is Jared Leto gay?

2007-03-02T16:46:00.000-08:00

In the aftermath of the Anna Nicole Simpson death & subsequent burial rights media fury, I have been unwillingly nabbed by the talons of the celebrity gossip grydnyackbeast. I mean, really, you just couldn't get away from it, it was even on MSNBC which is the only news station we watch in this house because they air only the most unbiased and important coverage. Mostly.

Luckily it only took a week because her body was decomposing and if he was going to drag it out any longer, there would only be bones and two silicone balloons to bury. So now that the Florida judge's week long televised audition to any producers in the audience looking for a new Judge Judy is now over, he rules that the rights belong to next of kin, her infant daughter. What the motherfuck? We already knew this bullshit and we needed a trial for this? This is what our tax dollars are paying for? Makes you feel really great about the fact that the average American family cannot make ends meet unless they are a two income household. Not that our tax dollars wouldn't be better spent...say, researching alternate fuel sources so we aren't beholden to the middle east or anything. Yeah. Way to go, America.

Luckily we get a breather from Anna Nicole who was as much of a train wreck in life as she is in death, God rest her soul, finally, and we can move onto other important topics like whether or not Jared Leto is really gay. This could actually be an issue of national security, people.

Dear God...

2007-02-23T17:21:00.000-08:00

...it's me, Rachel. I know we haven't talked in a while and that I don't know if you exist or not but I wanted to thank you for all of the blessings you have given me, for the blessing of love, friendship, children, career and home. Thank you for all the joy in my life and for giving me such difficult obstacles to overcome because I have built so much character during my struggles to overcome them. Thank you for creating the LapBand so I am no longer a fat ass and thank you for creating Nigel to be the extension of my old fat ass in the form of a dog. Thank you for giving me my sense of humor so I can laugh at myself and find humor in things that would otherwise crush me. Thank you for giving me so much. So in the spirit of giving, please send clients my way. Please send people with money to my studio so I can make a living and make a home for all the love you have bestowed upon me. Please make their wallets fat and could you throw in a dozen referrals or so from each client I shoot and while you are at that, could you steer me in the right direction with how to effectively market my business because posting on Myspace and Craigslist is not cutting it. And when all of this money rolls in, I will not throw it away on frivilous things. I will use it wisely and I will only treat myself to one thing...that will only help me further in my career...

So please God, if you are out there, throw me a bone? Or the winning numbers to next week's Powerball?

Thanks and um, Amen.

Riddle Me This...

2007-02-22T12:41:00.000-08:00

If friendships are forged on Myspace, is it fair to assume that activity on the site is a reflection of those friendships and where they stand? Within one month of moving out of state, I was removed off of half a dozen profiles that I have had a secure place on for the last 2 years.

INTERESTING.

While I have my own immature Myspace weaknesses like removing people I am mad at from my Top Friends List until I am get over it, it was warranted...I don't out toss people aside based on their location.

Are things like this a reflection of true feelings? I have to wager Yes. Aside from Myspace, I haven't heard from them. They didn't make time to see us before we moved. It seemed that as soon as they heard we were moving, we were erased. I guess for some people location is where the heart is. It seems to be.

Eh, easy come, easy go.

Valentines Day

2007-02-14T23:04:00.000-08:00

Me: "Good morning, baby. Happy Valentine's Day..."

Him: "Happy Valentine's Day..."

Me: "I love you..."

Him: "I have an erection..."

Little Face

2007-02-09T20:31:00.000-08:00

Our daughter is six weeks old already. She is getting so big and just started really smiling. I had to get a shot of one to remember...

Eideann

Now I should take her out of the swing before her brains scramble.

Valentines and House Fires

2007-02-06T21:52:00.000-08:00

It's been three years since I started this blog and I'd wager it is as popular as it was when I started it. lol Anyhoo (god, I hate when people say that and I just said it. What does that mean?), I went through my archives to check out where I was in life three years ago and was reminded why I do not cook. For your amusement, here is my entry from Valentine's Day 2004:

"Being that he was broke and I am single mother/student (i.e. BrokeAssMammaJamma), we did the laying low thing all weekend. I got groceries and played house...Betty Crocker/Valentine/Drinking Buddy/Personal Loveslave all rolled in one for the long holiday weekend, Mr. Man…ok maybe more like Betty’s danger prone cousin. I somehow managed to overfill the casserole dish so the cheese from the lasagna spilled out and onto the bottom of the oven, thereby catching on fire and filling my house with smoke. The Man and The Kid had to watch TV in the front room shivering under blankets with the heater blasted on 90 degrees to offset the 35 degree draft that was coming in from all the windows being open while I ran through the house frantically waving dishtowels around over my head in an effort to air the fucking place out before the smoke alarm went off. THEN as if I didn’t demonstrate my housewife dysfunction enough Saturday night, on Sunday, I decided to barbeque a tri tip, I mean how can I fuck up BBQ??! Oh the reality never ceases to prove my logic wrong. It was all looking good until I went to turn it after 15 minutes and when I opened the lid of the bbq, the whole fucking slab of meat was on fire. Not just burnt but up in goddamn unrelenting flames. In a panic, I start hopping up and down (no clue why because it really didn’t help put out the fire) and beating it with the big ass bbq fork thingy, stab it through it’s center, yank it off the grill, sending it off the fork, into the air, over my shoulder and onto the pavement of my patio with a sloppy thud. Well, the fire went out. Looking over my shoulder to ensure the coast was clear, giving myself clearance, I then hosed it off, slathered it with bbq sauce and stuck it back on the grill. Hey, the ten second rule always applies in times of desperation and no one was harmed in the production of this meal. Overall, the food tasted really good with my side dish of humiliation."

Sweet. As if I needed to remember why I do not cook. Not only do I cause house fires when I cook but I blow shit up too. I can't even hard boil eggs without blowing those motherfuckers up. Hence, the reason Sean has banned me from the kitchen. Well, there are worse things in life than not being able to cook. I could be stupid.

We will see how this Valentine's Day pans out. Probably pretty uneventful since the idea of the grand production of going out to eat with a 9 yr old and an infant (who most likely will wake up demanding a nipple right before the food arrives which sucks because I end up breastfeeding through the entire meal and by the time she is satiated and I get to put her down or pass her off, my food is cold) is not exactly romantic. But I have enough romance in my every day life to make Valentine's Day less important than it was in past relationships with boys (not men) who didn't deserve me (hair flip) and whom I bent over backwards for (for no logical reason actually) and who always disappointed me.

So, in three years, I am still broke, still can't cook, and I am still funny. What has changed? I finally turned my backwards taste in men around. I fiinally took interest in a good guy and I am keeping him.

Hey, I deserve a pat on the back.

*pat*

Hey, another for good measure...

*pat*

Funniest blog post ever read

2007-02-05T15:07:00.000-08:00

OK so maternity leave is rendering me bored to no end and aside from contemplating my purpose and bitching about why I am not there yet, I have been scouring the archives of the most hilarious blogger I have ever encountered (and that really says nothing because I have read like 10 tops) and had to share the best post ever:

Enjoy the masterpiece of Demonbaby

The Hill That Lies Ahead

2007-02-04T17:24:00.000-08:00

I am back. Hated Livejournal. Much has transpired since I have last posted. Got married, had my second child and moved to Portland, Oregon from LA. The relief is overwhelming. If I got any more jaded, I would have turned green. I do appreciate the friends I met there and whom I miss dearly...and the time I spent there pursuing my dream of becoming an artist. I can't say I left Hollywood with broken dreams. It is more like leaving Hollywood with re-prioritized dreams. I worked hard and I wish I had had a little more time to explore it in the city of "industry" but opportunity is everywhere. It's all what you make of it. Maybe I will be less likely to get a magazine layout in a major magazine or with a celebrity now that I am no longer in LA but I leave LA with three things I didn't have when I got there: a career, a husband and a daughter. Not too shabby!

Since I have been on maternity leave, I realized that this is the first time in three years that I have not been enveloped in one project or another. The first time in a long time that I have had really nothing to do photography wise and I have had a lot of time to think. What do I want? Where do I see my career going? What are my dreams? Of course, I dream about growing old with my best friend, my husband and living out a long and happy life with him, watching our kids blossom into awesome adults and lead their own happy and healthy lives with their kids. I dream about doing what I love and not struggling and worrying anymore. I would love to make my living doing commercial and portrait work and doing my digital fine art. I'd love to shoot for magazines and have a space where I have a studio and a gallery. Something modest on a busy street with lots of foot traffic. Showing my own work, my husband's work, friend's work and artists from all over the world. Openings, photo shoots, bliss. And of course I dream about winning the Powerball. I mean $5 a week, we have to hit sooner or later...right? lol

Ahhh...think of it...just making a comfortable living, supporting myself and my family with my art and not having to struggle so damn hard anymore. My art. It sounds so weird to me still. I am an artist. It makes me a little giddy. I always thought of an artist as someone who can draw. Maybe I will post some of my prepubescent attempts at sketching. What the hey, maybe I will post that dragon-mermaid I drew while on acid when I was 14. So maybe I am a cliche...a struggling artist. The struggle comes from my ignorance. It is a frustrating ordeal when you discover what you want later in life and do not have the means or opportunity to educate yourself the conventional way. I am a mother of two. I don't have the luxury of internships, assisting, going to college for my BFA. Instead, I read everything I can on the subject, I push myself practicing until my work emulates the level of professionals. I have a long way to go. And maybe, in that perfect world where I was able to do all of the above, I would still be a struggling artist. Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna' get. That Forrest Gump was a smart ma-aaan.

Now, in this new place, something is happening to me. My interest in digital art has grown so intense that it is all I have been thinking about lately. And when I get focused on something, I am hyperfocused. My work is not where it needs to be. I need to learn. I need to practice. I can do better. But how...I look at the work of artists like Maggie Taylor and I swoon. Intense desire to create like that.

Spending late nights up with the baby, I keep myself awake while cradling her by perusing profiles and websites online, admiring the art of many. A pang of regret here, a surge of jealousy there, the longing for my talent to be matched to theirs. My work to be shown in galleries and limited edition prints coveted by legions of fans. Wondering how different my life would have been if I was able to go to college, learn photography and design and...intern for a big time photographer, learned the ropes, and where I would be if I had had those opportunities presented to me. If I had known when I was young what my calling was. If I had had the self confidence to propel me forward and not keep me dazed in a ten year haze working out my daddy issues. If, if, if...then the rhythmic breathing of my little 6 week old daughter snaps me out of chasing the mice in my head and I realize that while I may not be where I want to be career-wise, I would not trade my family for anything. So, onward we go...reevaluating...redefining...envisioning...empowering...doing. There is no reason why my art can't be as good as the artists I admire. I got this far on my own, I can keep climbing. So photography isn't all that I want to do anymore. I want to focus on fine art...I can do that. While it makes it a harder hill to climb, I am going to continue climbing it until I get there.

That being said, I need some motivation. I need to go back to what sparked the love for art in the first place. Women. I love photographing women. Erotic photography, if you please. How can you not love taking pictures of beautiful nude women? I honed my skills in this genre and I miss it so I decided to go ahead and accept an offer from SG to shoot for them here in Portland. While I was in LA, I was advised against shooting anything erotic in order to be taken seriously in the "industry". It's funny, I busted my ass to appeal to commercial clients in the "industry" and reworked my entire portfolio to give it a commercial look to attract commercial work. Well, truth be told, I did not get commissioned for any commercial work. I did a damn good job with presentation, eh? lol I get letters from people asking for jobs, intern positions and advice on how to break into the industry. Well, as flattering as that all is, those are all things I would really like to know too! When you find out, let me know!

I am going to start figuring out this marketing thing so I can land some commercial and portrait work. If anyone reading this godforsaken blog has any advice that would be useful here...it will come back to you tenfold! If you don't may you be get crabs from the next public toilet that you use.

Now, I gotta go...gotta get climbin' that hill...

XO

Rachel

**Edit** Due to the P.I.T.A. factor, agreement terms not turning out to be what I agreed to and ridiculously low buyout price for my work, I decided not to move forward with the SG gig. My time would be better spent marketing portrait clients than busting my ass fulltime for someone else's web site doing eight shoots a month when I could make the same amount on two portrait clients. Sometimes you have to believe in yourself and the quality of your work and not sell yourself short.

CHANGE OF ADDRESS

2006-07-30T17:30:00.000-07:00

You can now find me at:

http://earthtorachel.livejournal.com

OUT!

We don't need no stinkin' impalement needles!

2006-07-06T22:23:00.000-07:00

Writing is a form of therapy but for attention whores like me, I need to post it in a public forum in order to make it work.

I am in my 15th week of being host to our precious parasite and thus far have been enjoying:

1) Morning sickness which does not hit you just in the morning. It hit me all hours of the day and night and not only did I get to barf a lot, I got to make a scene about it since it sounded like Linda Blair hurling gravel into the toilet.

2) Sudden growth of breasts which were already a 36D thank you and now require their own zipcode. Ass and thighs not far to follow for own zipcode registration at the local post office. Toting melons of this size may sound amazing to some of you but imagine carrying two heavy sandbags on your chest constantly and your brastraps leaving deep red painful marks in the tops of your shoulders. SWEET! While some men pay good money to enjoy these on video and some women pay even more to enjoy these surgically, all I want to do is have them reduced!

3) Complete and total aversion to any and all physical contact. It gave me the skin crawly heebie geebies. I mean, what's the big deal? I got plenty of lesbo porn on dvd for the ole man. He can suffer with me during this trying time. I get stretch marks, he gets blue balls. FWM (Fine With Me!)

4) Parasite sucking all energy from my body and 40% of all brain function. My quick witted sarcasm went the way of the dodo. Now I try to deliver a curve ball and it hits a pole and bounces right back in my face. Well, at least I got a reciprocal sense of humor. (See? THAT makes sense to me)

5) Feeling wiped off of all social calendars and falling deeper into Left Out Depression resembling something of a fat bellied asian Bridget Jones sipping my Irish tea and singing ALL BY MYSELF while photoshopping the pits out of models' skin. (Sean of course tries to comfort me by letting me know he is here but it is HIS fault that I am in this hypersenstitive position in the first place so he gets the mute button). This is probably due to Myspace and seeing how much fun people are having via pics and comments and not being included...guess I'll go eat worms.

6) Completely growing out of all cool clothes that I collected so proudly after spending 6 years losing 125 lbs. Needless to say, gaining weight is a traumatic experience for me having had been so large in the past and experiencing the cruelty of people and self loating while wearing that weight.

7) Zits. Nuff said.

8) Hot. All the time just hot which does not couple well with tits suitable for casting in a Russ Meyers film.

9) Gas. The burping is what really is great because it comes out without warning and is usually quite loud. A real hit at Macy's makeup counters.

10) Puttering out at 10:00 every fucking night.

Along with a whole bunch of little things to deal with which I will spare you details about. But there is a little story I can tell you that can pretty much sum up my end of the stick lately:

My good friend Paige has been taking these phone pics of all these uplifting sidewalk affirmations scrawled in the pavement on random San Francisco streets...such as:

and

and this is my goddamn sidewalk affirmation:

Sweet.

So, today we went to the genetics counseling appointment for an amniocentesis. The great thing about being a little older when you have a kid is that you're risk of having a child with birth defects jumps from about 1 in 580 to 1 in 255. And the great thing about medicine is that they have a test that you can do around your 5th month that can screen for these defects via a needle through your abdomen, through your muscles, through your uterus, through the placenta and draws out the fluid.

SWEET! To make things even better, I got to drink 4 glasses of water before the appointment and was not allowed to pee. Now, this is probably as bad as a guy having to sit on his nutsack for a prolonged period of time. I was in hell. We got there on time and they were 45 minutes late taking us for the appointment. I was ready to bust some preggy kung fu on them bitches when they said the doctor was ready for us. I was on the table and that is when it happened. We were looking for a good spot for her to impale me with that horrifying 6 inch needle and we saw the baby moving around. Mind you...I said BABY...not parasite, not seahorse...it is a real baby now with a perfect round head and little arms and legs with toes...she said "And that's the hand looking for the mouth..." and Sean said "Is that the face??" and sure enough, it was. Our baby's face as if peering back at us from the ultrasound monitor.

My breath got caught in my chest and I started crying. Not sobbing like a little bitch or anything but seriously, it was beautiful. Sean squeezed my hand and I looked at him with tears in his eyes and the veil of shittiness was lifted.

Everything that seemed so horrible seems quite tolerable and some things seem quite wonderful.

When we got home, I was happy and you know what? That crap I read about more bloodflow during pregnancy making sex out of this world is not crap at all. I went baratone up in this mf. Hell, we even broke out The Wedge! The reason we are pregnant to begin with! OHHHHHH! HEAVEN'S ON FIIIIRE!

New outlook recap:

1) Not puking anymore unless the food sucks then I get weird attacks.

2) I am going to embrace my gazongas. Literally. I just did it. I mean, how many women can actually HUG their own tits?? It's kinda cool. Enjoy it while they're there.

3) Um, knickers please! I am taking advantage of this extra bloodflow. It gives a WHOLE new meaning to mutliorgasmic! In yo face nonpreggies! Houston, we have lift off.

4) Who needs a ton of energy when you get to have orgasms like I can? Sean can do the work in this regard! I will lay back and reap the benefits!

5) We were never, 'Let's have coffee' people. We were PARTIERS! So, during this time of no partying, it is OUR responsibility to reacclimate our friends to us. Not theirs. So, I can reach out to them and invite them to do things we can partake in instead of feeling sorry for myself that everyone is out having fun without us. Sure, it feels nice to be invited sometimes but I am not going to cry over spilt milk. I can take control of the situation instead of letting friendships fall by the wayside.

6) The weight gain isn't so bad. I can walk with my head high and show off my preggy pudge with pride. At least this time I am gaining weight to ensure the growth of a healthy baby instead of subconsciously gaining so my abusive prick of an ex husband wouldn't want to touch me in any other way than for my rounds of beatings. This time, I have an incredible man who adores me by my side telling me every single day that I am gorgeous and he loves me. I have an amazing 8 year old son who just cannot wait to be a big brother. So what if I get chubby in the process! When I looked at our baby and at Sean's face, so full of love and thankfulness for this child, my heart gave way to it. All of it. Besides, maternity clothes are cooler now than they were 8 years ago! I will wear my polyester mumus and my stretch denim capris with giant stretchy waistband with pride! People can look down their noses at me if they want. It's their loss. If they knew how good the sex was they would be scrambling to get knockered up! I can't believe I have been missing out on this for four months!

7) Zits can't get me down! I can make them beauty marks! 25 beauty marks just means I am 25% beautifuller than I was when I wasn't pregnant!

8) Boobsweat. The new hotness.

9) I am going to start rating my burps. Maybe even carry around little scorecards to make it interactive.

10) Maybe if I incorporate my new outlook in Item ..5, we will have stuff to do other than sit at home and work which might be exciting and give me the incentive to stay out later.

So, life is pretty fucking good. Even if they couldn't find a safe fluid pocket for the test and I have to go back next week for the needle impalement. Life is still good. Yeah. It fucking is.

A Ripple in the Pond...

2006-05-17T00:05:00.000-07:00

I have been invited to participate in what I believe is an incredibly important project, Project Nightlight is an organization that empowers kids to report abuse. They mentor and educate abused children in foster care and are trying to spread national awareness about child abuse.

I will be donating services, prints, and coupons to their silent auction and have offered my time mentoring kids in my area.

After looking for some time for a domestic violence shelter to donate my services to and being rejected time and again for insurance reasons, I am very very very excited about being given this opportunity to help.

It is interesting how I wanted to help battered wives...got pregnant and two weeks later get a random call from this organization asking me to help with abused kids.

It is a travesty how many children quietly suffer at the hands of the ones they love, most of them not knowing that what hurts is wrong. The saddest part is that some of these children don't grow up able to function in life; instead, devout of the tools they need to cope with their past, they buckle under it and succumb to a downward self depricating spiral of self loathing, addiction and in many cases, early death. If we can do something, anything, to throw a pebble in the great pond, who knows how far the ripple will travel...the important thing is that you stepped up and threw in that pebble. I want to be one of those people doing something instead of just talking about it.

www.projectnightlight.org

Do something. If not for this cause, for one that means something to you.

Knocked the fuck up yo

2006-05-11T17:25:00.000-07:00

So yeah, I am pregnant. Not planned but thrilled nonetheless. I thought I was done having kids, thought my son would be an only child and I would only have to suffer the horrors of pregnancy and childbirth once. Alas, that is not my fate. I am eight weeks and have been feeling like holy hell for all 8 of them. I knew immediately I was pregnant eventhough the first two tests came out negative. Aside from the morning sickness that spans from waking to sleep, I have this lovely creepy skin crawly feeling, mood swings, heightened sensitivity and am constantly tired. I already am not fitting into my clothes and had to go maternity shopping. Who the fuck makes these clothes? Somehow I will find a way to make them cool and yeah I looked online and while couture ultra low rise washed denim jeans are cool looking, I am not paying $250 for them. Old Navy Maternity is my not so fashionable friend. Oh and the acne and burping. Not only do I get to get fat again, I get to have zits and belch. I won't have to worry about fears of sex during pregnancy because at this rate, Sean finding me attractive is as likely as him parting the Red Sea. But alas, in another 7 months, this baby will be out of my body and I can enjoy him/her. Don;'t get me wrong...I value and appreciate this baby more than anything but truth be told...being pregnant sucks.

I feel like I suddenly went into some weird social exile as no one calls or emails anymore wanting to get together. Suddenly, I am an alien that people don't understand. Thank God for Sean. I am lucky enough to have a man who adores me and is very understanding of my condition. He rocks but alas, I am going fucking stir crazy. So I turn to my art.

For the last few months I have been working on my Retrotica book and I am burnt out on it. I love the project but I am tired of shooting the same thing and I needed to get back into my art. Free from direction or purpose. Just let it take shape. That is what the last several pieces have been about. Freeing myself from a self imposed label. I do not want to be a pinup photographer or a fetish photographer. I despise all of the hype and scene that comes with either of those labels. I just want to be an artist. I am getting back to my core as an artist. The dark air is sexy to me. It is romantic. Weird things are intensely romantic to me like telling Sean we are doomed to be together and a lyric in a song that says "I come up only to pull you under". Makes my heart warm.

I decided I am going to shoot every single girl on the books on green screen, just one set on chromakey so I can revisit them later and create so I don't pigeonhole myself into one thing again. I need diversity to maintain inspiration.

That makes me soul happy.

My Interview with Deviant Art

2006-04-24T18:54:00.000-07:00

My Interview with Deviant Art!

Eros Zine

2006-04-24T18:52:00.000-07:00

Eros Zine

I recently shot Marina St Mark and a few pieces were chosen for her Eros Zine interview.

Enjoy!

2005-12-25T11:12:00.000-08:00

To Santa From My Son...fucking hilarious! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Is Justice For All?

2005-12-25T09:36:00.000-08:00

Is Justice For All?

Is justice for all? The answer to that question is No. There is, however, hope. I do know that there are human beings out there who will help because I experienced it myself. Now, I reach out on behalf of a friend. I am writing on behalf of a dear friend of mine who has given up in the face of the worst travesty that can slapped upon a father. After discovering his wife was involved in pornography, he tried to end the relationship and told her the children should not be with her but with him. She made the choice to use the system and lie to stop him. One phone call and his children were ripped from his life by a heartless and deceptive ex-wife who falsely accused him of spousal and child rape. None of the allegations were true yet he was sent to jail. Friends and family had to lobby to gather enough funds to make bail for him and once he was out of jail, the onslaught of legal fees became too much for him to realistically handle. He was advised to cop a plea and ended up being forced to plea to lesser charges, of which he was innocent.

It has been two years since my friend has been able to see his son and his daughter. He has secured a modest living and pays his child support every single month to children he doesn't even know are being cared for well, whether they are happy, or even where they are. He does not have the funds to hire attorneys or he would not be in this situation to begin with. I know that there are resources out there available to fathers who are fighting for their children. Fathers who are suffering. Fathers who want nothing more than to love and be a part of their children's lives. As a single mother who has suffered spousal abuse and who is active in the community working with various domestic violence shelters, I hear many stories. I have survived quite the story of my own. This one touched me so deeply that I feel compelled to pursue justice on his behalf. Once I have a solid lead for him to follow, I will turn it over to him but for now, I am writing everyone and anyone who will listen and who is able to lend a helping hand to a father who has been beaten down and deconstructed by a system that has failed him.

Given the nature of my history, it is ironic that I would be lobbying for a man who was accused of violence towards his wife and children. However, I know this man and I know that he did not commit these crimes. I know that with each day that goes by, the pain in his heart grows and the less his children remember of him. I implore you to please embrace him and help him in any way you can to gain his children back, clear his good name and help me right this wrong.

Very best and happy holidays,

Rachel Stephens

info@rachelstephensphotography.com
818.807.8417

In the spirit of Christmas...

2005-12-07T08:49:00.000-08:00

I am filled with the desire to give. The day to day worries of making ends meet and whether or not I am being the best possible mother/woman/friend/human being I can possibly be have miraculously quieted to a dull drone in the back of my mind and given way to a giddy child-like anticipation. I feel like I have acquired a gift for someone and I know they are going to love it and I cannot wait to give it to them, the anticipation killing me and the corners of my mouth cannot refrain from turning up at the thought of finally being able to see the reaction when the gift is received. Today I made several calls to local domestic violence shelters and sent several emails to directors of domestic violence programs and have set the ball rolling to fulfill my dream of giving back to those suffering what I have survived. No one can understand what it is like to lose yourself, your control, your identity, your power and worst of all, your love and belief in yourself, to another person. Their control an unwavering force keeping your prisoner in a place you are sure you will not survive. I survived. Others can too. If through my Sirens work, I can give ONE woman just enough self confidence to get her moving in the direction of survival, I will die a happy and fulfilled human being. Just the notion of this is filling me with such joy and reverance that I cannot adequately put it into words. I become overwhelmed with emotion. The words come and sometimes, even now, eight years later, I am struck with the realization of how serious and big what I have been through actually was. How big it is for so many women out there now. Right now. I was them. It hurts my heart that they are out there and I am so blessed and so incredibly lucky to be in a position to somehow have something to offer these women. I hope that I can reach them, at least one, just one and help her see her inner beauty, her inner strength, to show her another has come out okay and that she can too. This is what I am asking Santa for this year. This is the huge present I am wishing for.

Merry Christmas!

Back in the saddle...

2005-10-25T09:03:00.000-07:00

The basics have been acquired. Camera body and a lens. I am not allowing circumstance to get the better of me and take what I worked so hard to acheive in my life. Living expenses are going to be paid late this month but thanks to eBay and a few incredible kind investors in my future, my shop is up and running.

I am currently looking into local domestic violence shelters to donate my Sirens services to and finally fulfill my dream of giving back to those who are suffering what I survived. I am elated about this. Life is what you make of it. If you keep your nose to the grindstone and refuse to allow any negativity in your life, there is only room for positivity. I am truly blessed.

2005-09-28T01:45:00.000-07:00

Epiphanies gained through thievery...

A photographer's worst nightmare became my reality on September 17th. My camera gear got stolen. No insurance. No credit. No savings to tap into to replace it. Shoots booked but no equipment to shoot them with...several thousand dollars of high end Canon equipment in a canvas bag gone without a trace. My blood, sweat and tears were in that bag. I have been going through the emotional pattern...Stress. Panic. Pity party. Anger. Action. Resolving to not be a victim. Been there, done that. I don't like the idea of going back to a day job as I had just quit one to be a "real" photographer but you do what you have to do to get where you want to be and sometimes you need help.

I posted this on the News section on my website today and posted a bulletin in case anyone out there knew of a way to help. My friends wrote a letter to Canon in hopes of getting my story recognized by people who can help me. It blows my mind that the story is about me. I never looked at my life quite like this before...I have to say, I have been through and survived very ugly things. I was finally at a place where I was happy. I deserve to have that back. So, if there is help out there, I will take it.

I never have been one to ask for help. I despise feeling like I am a burden or am putting someone out. I always have done things on my own because then I don't owe anyone anything. The ironic thing about that is that I thrive on helping others. I never feel like they are a burden or putting me out and certainly not owing me anything in return. In fact, I am usually always touched that they trusted me enough to come to me. When I call you a friend and you need help, I am there with my boots on.

Oddly enough, despite many betrayals, I do not think twice about extending my friendship to others. I have this odd childlike trait that keeps me from ever becoming bitter despite repeatedly having my heart broken by friends and lovers. Why am I not a Bitter Betty? Why do I not protect myself or see these things coming? I wondered.

After many long hours reflecting on myself, my choices in life, the direction I am headed in, the people I call friends, the friends who had my heart and broke it, my relatively recent realization that I wanted to be a photographer, the long year of working for free, how those shoots morphed into a form of art therapy, the realization that I was able to help these women see themselves in a light they never knew could be possible and actually helped them feel better about themselve...I helped them love themselves, that means something words cannot express to me, having been 100 lbs heavier and a battered wife, I was a person who had no identity or sense of self as it was firmly lodged in the tread of my ex-husband's boot. I understood insecurity, inner turmoil and self-doubt better than anyone could ever assume by looking at me now. I came out the other end and I had to do it alone. It was so hard...why does it have to still be so hard? At that moment, I had an epiphany. My purpose in life is to help others through my Sirens work. I have thought that I was meant to be a photographer before but never focused on what Sirens really meant to me and to the women who work with me until today. I thought it was something I would like to use to help others who are suffering what I suffered. Now I know that I am meant to not only help battered women but I am meant to help women in general who come to me. I don't have the inclination to become bitter and closed off because I am a healer. Healers don't discriminate and I am meant to meet more women who need me. And despite all of the negative stuff, I am blessed to discover my purpose and I am ready to face and overcome the hurdles that stand in my way...with a little help from my friends.

I could be doing a lot of things to contribute to the negativity of my circumstances such as not being accountable for my circumstances and bucking up but I am choosing to look at this in a positive light...this is a terrible material loss for me but it is also an incredible spiritual gain.

Yin and yang. Finding balance in things, even terrible things, is like discovering peace itself. I still have the worry and stress of how I am going to make a living without the tools of my trade, having to go back to work a desk job, and saving money to replace my gear but I have this inner peace and sense of self that I didn't have before and jaknowhat? It comforts me and I know that no matter what happens, me and my son are going to be ok.

And the hits keep on comin...

2005-09-19T22:06:00.000-07:00

After four months of mourning the loss of a relationship, I was finally coming out the other side when I discovered my so called best friend was plotting against me to win the affections of mutual friends. I still cannot believe that in my 30s, I am dealing with this high school drama bullshit. The sad thing for her is the mutual friends she was trying to poison against me are grown ups and her talking about her "best friend" to them in that way just made them doubt her and eventually come to me about it. Stupid. So, relationship gone...best friend gone...better off. Whatever. Took a one week day job and hurt my knees because they said it would be admin but ended up to be an overpaid warehouse position. Eight years of soccer as a teen caught up with me in 4 days of that shit. I had to go on meds for the inflammation and Friday I had to go in for xrays to see what the hell is going on. Hopefully I won't need surgery. My right knee still hurts but things were ok. I had enough shoots booked to get through October and I was happy. Happy that even though I was just making ends meet, I was doing what I love. Until this past Saturday. I spent the weekend at my dear friends house in Hollywood and someone broke in and stole my camera bag which held all my camera gear worth over four thousand dollars. Today he called to tell me his insurance won't cover it but he is going to fight it. Not only did he go through all that for me today but he also called a mutual friend I don't know well who is professional photographer and asked to borrow a camera and a lens. I am beside myself that he is going through all of this for me. I just love them beyond words. So tonight he is coming over with borrowed camera and I get to do my shoots this week...just have to figure out how I am going to replace my gear.

Positives. Glass half full...I can't fall into the negative and go to THAT place again. Even in the face of crisis after crisis, I am supposed to be learning something from all this. I'll get back to you when I finger it out.

2005-09-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I ever came out and said it but the problems I have been experiencing with my now ex-boyfriend for nearly two years are due to addicition. I found out early on about his addiction and have gone through every possible role from nonconfrontational supportive girlfriend to turning a blind eye for the sake of status quo to no drugs or the highway to can't beat em join em to finally, recovery or addicition without me. He chose the drugs. Again. For the last time. Even after I made him move out, I have been tethered to him emotionally. It is amazing what you overlook and rationalize when you love someone. Nothing dictates any sort of clarity or logic when love is involved. Love is blind. But love for yourself has to always come first. I get that now. And to love myself is to protect my son. Naturally I would have never tolerated addiction in front of my son but there was a reason they didn't bond in the six months he lived with us. Because he couldn't do drugs here, he just started drinking heavily. Then, in the end, he started bringing it home. Now, I have removed myself from his life in the physical sense. I will not see him. I will correspond with him but I am not strong enough to see him or else I fall right back into being intimate with him. Naturally, I mean, despite it all, I love him...so I bought him this book on recovery. We share the same school of thought in that no one can help you but you. We both think support groups like AA and NA are crap. Personal opinion, if it works for you...great! So I gave him the book and he is reading it. I read the website...geez, I wish I found this two years ago. So, in the event anyone else is struggling with this problem, I thought I would spread the word...http://www.rational.org

This bit is especially helpful for anyone who is suffering through a loved one's addiction: http://www.rational.org/html_public_area/family.html

All the best!

Stagnant

2005-09-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

Now that the excitement of my first exhibit and the two television spots I did have died down, I bit the bullet and got myself a fulltime admin job to make ends meet. It was a tough decision but it had to be done. I do not have the luxury of being a starving artist and living cheap until my next gig. I am a single mom, I have a mortgage, I have *gasp* responsibilities. For the first time in my life, I am really doing it alone since I moved away from my family a year ago. But it is worth being in Los Angeles, this area is far more eclectic and creative in general than the Bay Area. To me, at least. So, 40 hours a week, I can tolerate a soul sucking admin job for the paychecks that will grant me the peace of mind I need to not stress every single day. The only thing that sucks about it (other than having not being able to do what you love fulltime) is that it drains so much energy that lately, I am not on point with my art. The last few shoots, even though my work has gotten positive feedback (thanks everyone who commented), just did not feel up to par to me. I definitely need to get back into the groove.

Until then, I will keep trying. )

I am grateful for the love of the art...I am grateful that I am good at it...getting better all the time...I am grateful that no matter what, I am teaching my son to never give up and the only failure in life is to stop trying.

hope all are well and remember, "we are the makers of music and the dreamers of dreams..."

The best thing about being on tv...

2005-08-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

...and telling all your friends to watch it is realizing that they didn't put the 3 minute spot in that they promised you and what really ended up going in is the side of your head for 2 seconds at the very end of the goddamn program. At least they did a good photo mantage of the shoot i did with her...which they didn't emboss my name on like they promised. Man, good thing I did that for free. lol Gotta love producers!

So if you watched it, sorry to put you through all that explicit surgery footage to see me for 2 goddamn seconds.

But...still...I was on tv. lol

I'm coming to find...

2005-08-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

...that the dating world is a sea of disappointment. The older I get, the higher my expectations get and the smaller the dating pool becomes. I am wondering if there is anyone out there for me.

Til then, I am going to focus on finding peace within myself, my son and my career. I am suspect of focusing on men to "complete" me. I have always had this idea that happiness is belonging to someone. And I am sure it is. But there is happiness without that too and I am going to focus on finding it. For once in my life, I am going to let myself be alone.

News:
Featured photographer on Discovery Channel's Plastic Surgery: Before and After "New Beginnings" will premiere on Discovery Health Channel on Wednesday, August 17th at 9pm (Eastern time) or 6pm (Pacific time) and repeat on Saturday, August 20th at 10pm (Eastern Time) or 7pm (Pacific) and Sunday, August 21st at 1am (Eastern time) or 10pm (Pacific time). You can see me at work shooting Sharon Polsky.

2005-07-14T12:39:00.000-07:00

I almost don't know where to start. I did the thing for A&E. I did the thing for Discovery channel. Still no idea when either will air or if the A&E people are putting the segment on the shoot in their documentary. Once I find out what the fuck is going on, I will post air dates etc.

The show at The Arclight is happening. Click here for details. I have been crazy trying to get ready for it. In the midst of preparing, I had a hard drive failure (to the tune of $1500 in binary recovery and IT guy services not to mention 3 weeks of hardcore stressing that I might have lost a good deal of ALL of my photography work as I had not backed up any of my PSDs or the last 7 shoots I did bc I was so busy) and got canned (I do not ever recommend working for a cokehead) within the same weekend at the end of May which was fun. Not only did I have to scramble to get a loan to help pay for this exhibit but also as a nestegg to help me live for a while as I am trying as hard as I can to make photography my living. It is so hard to work your ass off for free FOR A YEAR building your portfolio, have these great things happen for you and then have to take some administrative job for shit pay working for yet another uptight jerkoff with control issues and bad hygiene. But in the end, bills do need to get paid and children do need to get fed so I will do what I have to do to get by.

My boyfriend moved out. He was here for two months after I ended it. It was the hardest thing to watch someone who used to hold all of the love in my heart completely lose their glow. I had given him chance after chance after chance and not only did he repeatedly choose drugs over me but he slowly became a bitter angry person who drank way too much and became reclusive. It even got the point where he would embarrass and insult me in front of our friends. I know that the right thing was to end it and throw him out. I know that. But it still hurts. And of course, the day before he moves out, low and behold, he became the guy I fell in love with. The guy I hadn't seen in about 6 months. Why does that always happen?? It makes it so much harder. But what is done is done. And the band plays on.

Craziness has ensued now that I am a single girl again. I am not sure it is legal to share all of the debauchery. I definitely will not have trouble finding people to have fun with, that's for sure but let me tell you, I have never understood how people can love being single. I mean, having variety is nice (hello 27 yr old texan with body of a greek god, hello 22 yr old actor, hello 28 yr old documentary film maker with giant unit, hello cute latina who thinks I am the cats meow, hello hot fun couple who makes me feel like a goddess) but I really love being in a relationship. I love having that one person who checks in with you everyday, that person who you can't wait to see or have to call when you see something hysterical. That someone who fits you perfectly when you curl up next to him in bed. The person who finishes your sentences and laughs at your stupid jokes. The one who looks at you as adorningly when you are in your jammies and no makeup as he does when you are dressed to the nines. Someone who pampers you when you're sick and who prefers to come over and watch Netflix with you when you can't go out than go out with his buddies. Someone to grow old with and know that when you look into each other's faces in 50 years that you were part of every laugh line and wrinkle in time.

Yeah, that's nice.

Amazed...

2005-05-11T23:55:00.000-07:00

One of the girls I used as a model early on has become a very good friend, my best friend in fact, and has watched my work progress. She finally said a few weeks ago, OK we need to get you noticed. A phone call later, I am sitting at a meeting with the curator of The Arclight in Hollywood. My work will be exhibited there starting July 18th and will run for 6-8 weeks. I am blown away. I will be the first "unknown" photographer to ever showcase there. 20,000 people go through there a week. I don't know what this means but in any event, it is an honor to say the least.

Will let you know how it goes. Until then, I have 20 new girls to shoot in one month, and only 3 weeks for post production of all the shoots. Then two weeks to get all 36 selected pieces printed 16x20 and framed.

I still can't believe this is really going to happen...if you are local, swing by the Arclight and check out my exhibit. It will be on the first floor behind the ticket counters on the entire left wall right past the escalators.

2005-05-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

Since the boyfriend is moving out next month, I need to get on making money doing my photography. I love portraiture and I am a freak so I figured I would incorporate the two.

Introducing:

FLIRT PHOTOGRAPHY

Thoughts on advertising?

2005-05-01T19:28:00.000-07:00

5/1 POST REMOVED DUE TO EMAIL WARNING THAT SOME SOCIAL REJECT HAS MY BLOG ADDRESS AND WILL ALERT PERSON I WAS DISCUSSING SO UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE, I WILL NOT BE DISCUSSING THIS UNTIL THE COAST IS CLEAR.

In other news: I have had my period twice this month. WTF?

2005-04-28T23:18:00.000-07:00

Spending time with your friends is a crucial thing in life. As we get older, we forget that. We get caught up in the day to day, children, relationship, whatever. We forget to make an effort. I can't express how essential it is for us girls to stay together. Lately I have been making the effort to see my friends and the ones who put the effort back into me are the ones who are gaining a permanent place in my heart. I will not forget who has been there for me when things got rough.

Amanda and Glenda. I love you girls. Thank you for the laughs, the shoulders to cry on, the ears to bend (and I KNOW I be bendin'), the debauchery, the genuine empathy and reminding me to be strong when I start to feel weak.

This was a good day. Not baaad. But goooood. What is relatively new has the feel of familiarity like a childhood friend or relative but better because we chose each other.

and screw you CommentThis! I am seeeeeeeeeeek of juuuuurrrrr sheeeeeeet! Hello HaloScan. So there.

2005-04-21T20:13:00.000-07:00

So it's been like an eon since I've posted. My deepest (mmmm DEEP) apologies. Things I have learned on my hiatus:

1. Independence is the key to self preservation.
2. The cost of living in Los Angeles is the same as Petaluma but the pay rate is less.
3. No matter how much I mop my goddamn hardwood floors, my feet always are dirty. I am going to end up one of those text book asians with the goddamn slippers at the front door. Ahhh take off shoe pwease. Swippah....swippah.
4. Love does not conquer all.
5. Falling down in public places is just as fun at 33 as it was at 23.
6. You can't fix broken people.
7. I am addicted to Cold Case Files.
8. I am addicted to Reeses Pieces.
9. You can burn your clit off with your vibrator.
10. Romantic girlhood notions are fairytales and do not exist in the real world.
11. One can become jaded with grace.
12. I think I am going to become a lesbian. Then, at least you can double your wardrobe while dealing with all the bullshit and lies.

I have been busy doing my photography which those of you who have checked my site can attest to. I also have put up a before and after section so you can peruse my retouching and digital artistry skills:
Retouching

And yes, I have included some before and afters of myself to make it fair. I would never let my friends face the world naked without being naked right next to em!

I had a job...walked out on that job. I learned that I have way more self respect than I thought! I could not deal with that micromanaging egotistical asswipe for another minute. So I put the word out to friends, gave them my resume and my lovely friend Amanda gave my resume to her brother. He called me and offered me a job doing event coordination from home. Wicked. I am making the same I was before and I don't have to get ready in the morning. SWEEEEEEEEEEEEET. Really stoked about it because they are a brand new company so I am like the 3rd person coming in and that could mean I can secure a place in management which is my forte. I love to delegate. >:?)

Not too sure where things are headed but I am no longer pinning my future on a man, just on myself and a little boy.

The beat goes on...

2005-03-08T15:47:00.000-08:00

Things have been busy busy busy. My photography just keeps getting better and better. I am getting to the point where I am seriously getting tired of not making any money at it though and spending more and more to build sets and expand my equipment. I am too lazy to post the shoots I have been doing so if you care, check my site, link over there ----->

Job is going well although I am working too many unbilled hours and that needs to stop. Boss is rather disorganized and has stuff all over the place yet expects me to have it down yesterday. Typical. Nothing is perfect. As long as I get paid til I find something better, I am biting my tongue. He wants me to do fulltime productivity but only wants to pay me part time. I put in about 10 hours overtime per week and he didn't even give me $100 for it. He just paid me the 20 hours. So newsflash, I have a cheap boss. Not very motivating. Good news though, I passed the first phase of the hiring process for forensic specialist in a neighboring city so cross your fingers for me. I test on Tuesday and that would just rock if I got this job. Operation Self Sufficient in full effect.

I am working really hard to make my life happy for myself and my son. Shed the flaking layers of my life and finally start living the life I so richly deserve.

Happy like a cat in the window

2005-02-23T19:46:00.000-08:00

I am purring inside. I feel happy. My new boss rocks and I even got my own office with a big window. I am so relieved. I can see myself easing into full time work there nicely plus I am getting paid as a freelancer and am a full time student so I can claim exempt and keep all my goddamn money. I am such a happy camper. My photoshoots have been going better and better, in fact, I have one in 6 minutes but wanted to stop in and say hi to everyone and let you all know I am doing well. Thank you so much for all your support through these last few months. Still a work in progress in the love arena but now I am back on my own two feet and feeling empowered. My worth and future is not defined by a man. I am all I need. Me and my son. :?)

Andrea

Have a great week, everyone!

Photo Madness

2005-02-21T13:43:00.000-08:00

I am a shooting maniac this month and hopefully I will have an actual site by the end of next month. My boyfriend did do a comp for me but it wasn't really what I was looking for so he is going to use it for a future landing page instead. Hopefully he will have time to do it soon because I am dying for a real website.

As far as shoots go, I had a 2 girl shoot scheduled but one couldn't make it last minute so being locked on to some 2 girl ideas, I said Fuck it and used myself as a model.

Supervixens

I did some new ones of Amanda too:

And finally yesterday's shoot, Rubi:

Rubi

I am off tonight, start my new job tomorrow and have shoots back to back until the 28th when I am going to actually go do something SOCIAL for the first time since my Xmas party...well if you don't count that time last month when we went out to dinner and couldn't get a table and ended up getting hammered at the bar and invited a friend to drink and ended up taking her home...yeah if you don't count that, it's been a LONG time and I cannot wait to hooker out and saunter in The Roxy with 6 hot chicks and dressed to the nines. Yeah baby!

And and and...

2005-02-18T09:14:00.000-08:00

Well he didn't forget Valentine's Day, he went to pick up a delivery he had waiting for him and was showing me the stuff he bought for himself as I was getting irritated and then reached in the bottom of the box playing surprised..."What's this?" and pulled out a little black jewelry box. He got me pretty hoop diamond earrings. Awwwww. I really don't need a gift, I would be happy with a kiss and a card, I wasn't expecting jewelry.

And then we got in a fight because his ex girlfriend invited him to her son's graduation in Arizona and he said I couldn't go with him because he was afraid she might get jealous and try to beat me up! Hello!? And you are entertaining the thought of going WHY??? He doesn't have a relationship with this kid, was not close to him when they were together and hasn't seen him in over a decade. He didn't even attend his own sister's graduation and is entertaining the thought of going to his ex's son's graduation WHY? Because of his ego. It is always ego with men. So I let him know that if he goes somewhere where I am not welcome, it is an insult to me and to my kid. Some of the problems we have been having stem from him not quite being "a kid's type of guy". He doesn't know how to relate to them therefore doesn't try. I alsmost ended it over this because I will not have someone in my life who doesn't put an effort into my kid. I mean, I know it is hard coming into an "instant family" but the reality is, when you choose to pursue a single mother, you are signing up to be a father figure whether you like it or not. But I digress, the point is, he is not going.

*ahem*

In other news, I GOT A JOB!!! And just in the nick of time too, I was notified last week that my unemployment benefits are cut off. I get paid vacation, holidays and I am making good money which is a relief because I couldn't find anything for over $15 an hour that I qualified for being that I don't have a college degree. I am hoping in 6 months or so he will give us insurance. I hate not having health insurance for my son. My new boss is totally cool, said "I want you to want to come to work. I want to be your friend, not seen as a boss." So I am his executive admin assistant and I also get to reshoot his entire skin care product line. My photography, admin experience and property management background all come into play here and I am so glad I waited for the right thing. He let me choose my own hours and said I can ease back into full time so I am going M-F 10-2 which allows me to still drop off and pick up my son at school which is a huuuuge relief because I have this weird guilt about putting him in daycare.

I am getting straight A's in all my classes and my boyfriend has been randy lately.

I have been shooting like a madwoman. Photoshoots:

Rika

Chandra

I am really happy with these shoots and managing to not display any bitterness whatsoever even though I have had 1 last minute cancelation and 2 girls just outright flake, no phone call, nothing, just didn't show up which sucks because I clear the day or evening for the shoot, have to make my boyfriend move his car, spend an hour setting up my studio and then no one shows up. Very rude. Sunday's girl outright flaked and then tried to add me as a friend on Myspace today. Fuck you. OK maybe there is a little bitterness but not in general. In general, I love people. Except for the stupid ones. And stuck up ones. And shallow ones. And liars...errrrrm...I love cool people who have big hearts and aren't stupid. How's that?

Things are looking up. :?)

Now that I have a job...pay off credit cards and buy a muscle car. Hell fucking yes.

Happy Valentine's Day

2005-02-14T10:56:00.000-08:00

or Lonely Hearts Club Day...which ever you prefer.

Last year this day was forgotten by the one to whom I gave my heart. Some of you may remember how I was hurt that he did not even get me a card. Well, knowing his disinterest in this day, I gently reminded him on Friday..."Please don't forget Monday is Valentine's Day...don't forget like last year, ok?" To which he replied, "Ugggghhhh...who makes up these holidays anyway? A woman probably!"

Sometimes there are no words.

And to make matters worse, I woke up this morning and immediately remembered my dream. I dreamt he cheated on me with his expsycho girlfriend from Phoenix and his exgirlfriend from Canada was consoling me! So now I am in a foul mood and if he forgets again, things will not be good for him. Actually I shouldn't be too upset because I did end up getting it on with his hot Canadian ex who is by far better lookin than the Arizona broad so I guess I got the long end of the stick in my dream. *nyuck nyuck*

Given the way things have been going, knowing how hurt I was last year and being that I REMINDED him this year, I have faith that this day I will not end up with my heart in my stomach fighting back tears. He will not let me down. Or there will be blunt force trauma to the head.

Happy Vday to all!

Sake

2005-02-11T23:27:00.000-08:00

I am not a connoisseur of sake but the shit they sell at Ralphs is pretty goddamn potent. Anothehr Friday night staying in, my son safely tucked in bed, my headphones on and working on my computer in tandem with my boyfriend. It is a strange comfort to know he is here next to me but also a lonliness because you aren't sharing time together but just coexisting. I suppose that is a comfort some people never know so I am really trying to focus on the positive and not allow myself to be overrun by the negatives. People differ and in that I need to take my own advice and not take someone else's misgivings personally.

If I want acceptance from others, should I not accept others?

So I drink. I drink and I feel good. I type at you and do my homework..probably not the ideal time to do my midterm papers but when I drink, i tend to get passionate, more so than usual and passion is a good thing. Passion is the fuel that keeps the flames burning and without that, life is dark and cold.

Nightmares

2005-02-08T10:53:00.000-08:00

This is the 2nd night in a row that I have had scary dreams about a stranger being in the house, my knowing he was in the house, my knowing he knew where I was and that I couldn't get out, being so scared I can't move until I see his silhouette in the doorway at which point I wake up. What the motherfuck.

Maybe I am staying up too late doing photoshoots.

Kina

Overcast

2005-02-06T13:28:00.000-08:00

It's overcast outside. I woke up in a good mood despite my greeting to the day being a message on my cell from today's model canceling our shoot last minute. No matter. Today is a good day regardless of what is thrown my way. I spent the better part of the weekend finishing all of the images from all photoshoots to date, formatting them for print and web to burn to disk for the girls as I always promise. Got the copies of the model releases done and everything all packaged up, space cleared on my hard drive, back up disks made and things are feelin' organized and complete which makes me feel good. When I have pending things all over the place, I feel displaced. When my house is messy (not to be confused with clutter as clutter is something I can never truly escape), I feel displaced. But not today. I am content. I am sitting in my freshly vaccuumed home sipping hazelnut cream drowned coffee, writing an essay on stress management in the criminal justice field and multitasking by putting an entry in here and replying to email. Damn, I just realized how good I am. lol

The only thing that could make this day any sweeter is if I was sharing this peaceful afternoon with a northern beauty.

All is full of love

2005-02-04T09:43:00.000-08:00

All is full of love

I'm a softie. I can't be mad forever. Besides it's almost Valentine's Day. Can't still be distant and sad on Valentine's Day. People fuck up. People deserve their right to rectify wrongs. I'm down with that. So I am back in the saddle. The glass is most definitely half full.

Last night's shoot:

Cyhndi
I am not done with these but got the best images done I think.

Enjoy your weekend my friends and remember to appreciate those in your life today and everyday. We may not always get along but the alternative is a tragic one.

Googled

2005-02-03T10:16:00.000-08:00

I checked my referrers and I am actually being googled and searched on the internet now. Just knowing that my photography is getting recognized in some way is very exciting to me!

Here are my latest and greatest (so far):

Amanda
Image05 and on are all new.

Shannon

Critiques welcome.

I've got 8 shoots left this month and I have given my boyfriend an outline so he is going to do my website this month. Yay! Finally!!!

When all else falls apart, I know I will always have art to turn to. That is a soothing thought.

With or without you

2005-02-02T10:46:00.000-08:00

Times are tough. Promises have been broken. Agreements have been dishonored. I have come to the end of my rope and if there is any hope at all, it will reveal itself soon. It must be a shitty place to find yourself in, having one last chance. But what is done with that will mark the end or a new beginning. At this point, I am focusing on myself and my son. All trust has been destroyed. That is not an easy thing to rebuild. But where there is a will, there is a way. I hope for him he steps up to the plate and lets go of that which creates this dark cloud that looms over us. But if not, I will be ok. I cannot allow his problems to be my albatross. There are worse things in life than being single. Like having undeveloped genetalia. How fucked up would that be?! It might actually do me some good to be alone for a while. So in any event, the future is looking brighter no matter which road I end up going down. Thanks for the concern my friends. It is never forgotten.

RSS Feed Schmeed Wha?

2005-02-01T23:26:00.000-08:00

Someone commented on my rss feed as if I knew my rss feed was hanging out but seriously, what the hell is it and how do I fix it to point here?

sullen

2005-01-30T02:11:00.000-08:00

So many things are inevitable. Things that you don't want to admit to. Things that even though you ventured into them with nothing but good intentions, they reek of inevitablity and you are left in the wake of mishap wondering why you are wearing the Kick me. I'm a failure - sign on your back again. I can hear my father's words in my head tonight as I sit in my room, my hands cold and my heart whimpering, You will always be a burden. Perhaps this attitude I grew up with is the reason I seek a man to complete me. Silly girlish daydreams of Prince Charming and slow motion movie kisses. Real life is not a movie. Real life has no filters and cutting room floors. It's raw and uncut. And it hurts.

And as I sit with ghosts of hurtful words haunting me and keeping me from sleep at night, I sit and I wonder. I wonder about all the what ifs, could haves, should haves, why nots, hope sos...and I wonder if possibly someday just maybe I will feel okay, without external associations, just safe and okay with myself, inside my skin, a fully functional self propelled entity in this thing called life. Will I? Could I? Should I?

I hope so.

2005-01-27T18:11:00.000-08:00

She did it again. She is becoming quite the muse.

We were writing earlier on her blog about how we both seem to be suffering from hormone overload at the same time. She said we were suffering in tandem. As soon as I read that, I had to design something. Like to see it, here it go:

2005-01-26T10:01:00.000-08:00

I am now addicted to DeviantArt. It's the coolest site for artists. You can get input from other artists regarding your work and network with people all over the world. Great, yet another internet induced addiction to keep me on this goddamn computer.

And where has my mind been lately? Preoccupied with Paige? Has lack of mutually benefical sex turned my brain to mush? I realized I had no idea what the fuck the date was and when I guessed realized I was over a week off. I took my birth control pill yesterday...twice. I have been wearing the same sweatpants for 4 days. I can't remember the last time I washed my hair although I do recall showering regularly.

Ugh. I am going back to bed. I was up til 3am uploading showcase pics to my DeviantArt gallery and reading comments. What day is it again?

2005-01-24T22:50:00.000-08:00

I've been learning a lot from my boyfriend about design in Photoshop. As you know, I have a crush on a girl...so I took a pic from my latest shoot, a pic from a shoot of her done by our mutual friend Stu and morphed them into something that I think looks like we were shot together. Something dark, mysterious, and sexy. Kinda how she makes me feel.

.inamorata.

2005-01-24T01:11:00.000-08:00

After several weeks of loss of interest in my photography, I suddenly got in the groove. I am tired of the boudoir stuff and have been wanting to do some artsy stuff so here are some images from a shoot I did over the weeekend.

I really love the matte smooth finish and unfortunately with working in low light conditions, I am having some trouble capturing images free of grain. While the look of grain is cool, I am not that drawn to it right now so I spent hours meticulously smoothing the grain in these photos to acheive a surreal smooth effect. I am really happy with the outcome and really excited to start shooting other people using these techniques.

Critiques welcome.

Hope you all had a fantastic weekend.

She

2005-01-21T13:29:00.000-08:00

I have always liked girls. In fact, I believe that women are preconditioned for tendencies to be attracted to other women. If you look back on childhood, you will remember holding hands, whispering, giggling and being physically affectionate with other girls while boys played cowboys and Indians or cops and robbers. Women are sugar and spice and everything nice, that’s what girls are made of and that’s what I love about them. My first several sexual experiences were with girls. I think the first was when I was about 8 playing doctor in my bathtub. Even then I was instigating sexual exploration with other girls. To me, it comes natural and to me, it is just physical. I have been able to bond to women in a friendly sisterly way but never had much interest in women in a romantic sense the way I have with men. Never really cared about cuddling or pillow talk or spending as much as possible in their presence on that intimate level. I never could wrap my brain around it. Until now. There is this woman I have met, known for about a year online and recently met in person at my Christmas party. I knew she was special because she has this intensity about her that exudes even through the computer but in real life, I must confess, I was a little nervous around her. As the evening progressed, I wanted to sneak away and steal a kiss but as hostess of a party, you can’t hide from everyone for long, someone is always looking for you and I didn’t want to share her with anyone. I didn’t want her to be a public show. Odd. I usually don’t care about that. I’ll get mine where ever but for some reason I knew she deserved privacy. And I am longing for the day we get that.

I find myself fantasizing about her. Late at night when I am alone in bed, while my boyfriend is downstairs, I find myself thinking about her. I find myself imagining her beside me, smiling a sweet smile and kissing her soft lips. Taking time to gaze into every gold fleck of her eyes and get lost in their abyss. Feeling her breath against my neck as I move slowly down her ivory skin, my hair cascading over her as I slide slowly down, moving my arms under her thighs…and then something odd…after the fantasy serves it purpose of release, I lay continuing the fantasy…of after…of giggles and sharing a big sweater as we stand on the balcony sharing cigarettes in post coital bliss, deep conversations under the covers late into the morning hours, waking up with my face pressed into the nape of her neck.

Very odd indeed.

No one really knows this but I write poetry. I do it for myself, have been for years. No one knows this because I don’t share it. But for some reason, this seems like the perfect way to express my excitement, gratitude and appreciation to someone who has woken something in me, broken the membrane that kept me from feeling and really experiencing what my love for women has to offer. So while you aren't supposed to name people in blogs or so that seems to be the rule, I felt it would be unjust to leave this nameless. It deserves an identity. So Paige, this is for you.

Unsaid

Like poetry does her body move
In perfect rhythm to my gaze;
Burning embers in her fiery eyes
like the sun lighting up my days.

So pure in her impurity, she glides
She doesn’t lie or cheat or steal;
Her knowing look embraces me
And proves that she’s for real.

Her touch as soft as angel’s wings
Her breath, O, as sweet as wine;
I’d like to fling myself into her
And be happy, lost for all time.

Her tongue explores pearly walls
My desire illuminates the sky;
Friends, lovers, a secret trust
Unsaid, we need no reason why.

~RDS

Twiddling

2005-01-20T10:39:00.000-08:00

I can't stop touching myself. It's subconscious. I will be sitting in my car and look over to see someone staring at me, widen my eyes with the WHAT?! look and realize I am completely picking my nose. I have had the sniffles and consequently have blown my nose into scabby flaky ruin. I can't stop picking at the nostril tissue rash now. No wonder my boyfriend isn't interested in having sex with me.

*snort*

I was supposed to meet friends downtown for (my favorite) korean soup but the period is here and I am afraid my uterus will fall out so I am going to do society a favor and lay low. But true friends won't mind if your uterus falls out in their living room right? Of course not! So since being around my boyfriend just makes me sad because I end up wondering why he doesn't desire me and while the whole mental mindfuck that comes with that (no matter how logical I try to be) is fun in it's Hi I am a total raving lunatic-kind of way, I am going to take the high road and make myself scarce. I am sure it is bothering me so much because I have been PMSing. Well that's not true. It always bothers me as it has been a problem for some time now. Needless to say, avoidance is always the best answer when discussing it does nothing. *lol* I am going to grab Harold & Kumar go to White Castle Unrated version DVD, drive my bloated ass over to my friend Stacey's house, crawl into her bed and eat her left over chicken casserole masterpiece she has been bragging about. Maybe she'lll rub my tummy for me.

Have a good one and send get well cards with charitable checks payable to RACHEL THE BLOATED LUNATIC.

Thank you.

Libido Dehancers

2005-01-19T09:51:00.000-08:00

I need a libido dehancer. I am tired of wanting sex and not getting it. I am sick of waiting in bed looking cute in a most alluring position to not be noticed. There has to be a pill that will kill my sex drive so I can stop taking it personally and generally make my life easier. I love how things can be Perfect Couple day to feeling like a fly on a wall.

Rachel...CSI

2005-01-18T10:16:00.000-08:00

I haven't written about this yet because I wanted to make sure it was going to happen. As many of you know, I have long been on the wanton path of educating myself. College. Ah the thing that haunts me. For some reason, I am one of those people who doesn't quite feel Good Enough because I don't have my degree. I somehow feel Less Than especially when on the job hunt and being asked that question: Do you have a college degree? Maybe it's because both my siblings have degrees or because since infancy we were conditioned to believe that after high school we would go to college. Well, I did go to college after high school but it wasn't my fault I was living in LA which happened to be the hair band capitol of the world. I got distracted. *ahem*

Distracted no more, I looked into distance learning education. You have seen the online advertisements. Get your degree online! There are a lot of school out there but not too many accredited through the Higher Learning Commission. A few were, University of Phoenix, Kaplan University and a few others. I did my research and spoke to the reps at each and decided on Kaplan because they had the most helpful and accessible staff and financial aid department. With my eligibility for government grants, I will only end up owing about $12,000-$15,000 total for my Bachelors of Science when it will cost $33,000. Not too shabby. I can live with that.

What will I be studying you ask? *drumroll* Criminal Justice. Yup. Believe it. I have always been facsinated with criminal justice, forensics and law. Hell, Court TV is on all day in this house. I have always felt the need to help people and a BA in psychology just doesn't really qualify you for all that much out in the job market. I could be a secretary. Great, so back where I was after obtaining a degree? Sure maybe I would make an extra $10K a year but seriously, fuck that. But my high goals in psychology are not lost. I figure I can work on my BS in CJ online and when I get the degree in oh say 13 months (if I rambo it), I can find a job in the forensics field, preferably crime scene investigation (yes I have the stomach for it) and work on my masters in psychology (clinical most likely) online. Once I have my masters in pysch, there are all kinds of doors that will open for me in the forensics field or psych field. I gots me a plan yo.

I am lucky enough to have my boyfriend behind me to support me through this. While I am getting unemployment, I am going to work really hard in school. I am not sure how much longer I can keep receiving it but my friends say I can get it for up to a year. That gives me another 8 months! Wheels in the sky keep on turnin....

Well I am off to STUDY! Have a good one, my peoples!

Sunday Drive

2005-01-17T18:40:00.000-08:00

We decided to go to Koo Koo Roos and it was sucha beautiful fucking day we decided Fuck it, let's drive to the beach. So we went to Santa Monica and I snapped off random pics during our drive.

Sunday Drive

It was the kind of day that it dawns on you...I'm happy. I felt like one of those couples I always wanted to be.

Debauchery

2005-01-16T13:11:00.000-08:00

Debauchery has been had.

We went to one my favorite restaurant The Velvet Margarita for dinner and hung out in the bar while waiting for a table. An hour goes by and in that time we consumed so many Bohemias and kamakazi shots that we lost interest in eating. My friend called shortly after we had arrived and I told her to come meet us for drinks. The last thing I remember at the bar is pushing her against a wall by the bathroom and saying "I want you to come party at our house with us and just to be clear, my intention is to get you into bed so if you feel uncomfortable with that, it's probably best if we hang out here because I can be very aggressive."

And off we went to our place.

The only downfall to our nine hour escapade was that I didn't get to bed until around 9:00 am and didn't wake up until 4:30 am the next morning. Ah where the day goes. I guess I overexerted myself. *lol* The reason this was a downfall is because I made plans to go out with my friend Stacey (who is quickly becoming one of my very closest friends) for her birthday and completely flaked on her. My boyfriend was supposed to wake me up but forgot all about it. I should have set my alarm clock abd been responsible but it really was the last thing on my mind being spun out and ridiculously tired. So now I am feeling terrible. I have to come up with a really good idea to make it up to her. I hate flakes and what I hate more than flakes is being one myself. I could slap myself in the face with a rotten fish.

Hopefully I didn't hurt her feelings. That is the worst. Hurting someone you care about.

I still am having a hard time seeing straight. After waking up at 4:30 am, I got up, drank a six pack of 7UP, watched Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, ate a ton of food and went back to bed til 11:30. I think it's time to go eat again.

Hope you all are enjoying your long weekend!!

Free Weekend

2005-01-14T13:41:00.000-08:00

Life is good.

Did my 80 minute advanced Yogilates workout (which I highly recommend), got some good lovin' (THANK YOU JEBUS) and as of 7 pm tonight, have a 3 day free weekend (to non parental units this translates as Kids gone-throw responsibility to the wind-time...YEEEMUTHAFUCKINHAAAAWWWWW) and I am thinkin' I wanna go BOOZIN! I want to take the weekend to cheat on our diet and go have some GOOD food and cocktails for just one night and then maybe some other non-food type delectables may be on the menu for later...I do not know as of yet but I am anticipating a good time none the less.

Have a great weekend, my friends!

Musings on Destiny

2005-01-13T23:32:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder what your purpose is? Why you were born? I was watching Forrest Gump with my son and they were talking about destiny. My son asked me what destiny was and I said Destiny is what life is going to be in the future. I didn't know what the hell to say but it got me to thinking about what my destiny is and whether or not I believed it was all mapped out for us from birth or if we mold it ourselves as we go accidental like a feather floating on a breeze. I guess I am with Forrest...I think it's a little of both.

I got Banged

2005-01-13T17:22:00.000-08:00

I got the hair. My new stylist didn't think I should go too blonde especially in winter so I let her do her thing:

I love it. Have to train my cowlick down so the bangs aren't crooked anymore but she said that should only take a week or so! Yay!

New Digs!

2005-01-13T09:20:00.000-08:00

I am going to be changing my blogspot address to something more Me.

www.earthtorachel.blogspot.com

It's supposed to just overlay over the old one but in case it doesn't, there ya have it. Please make a note of it.

Thanks and have a fantastic day!

Sidenote: I didn't remove my links, the template change ate them so I will relist you! No hatemail please! :?P

We make great pets

2005-01-12T23:43:00.000-08:00

At the strong urging of my boyfriend, I've decided to do the bangs. I have this wig (see below photo)that he LOVES and wants me to copy it but I am too scared to hack off all my hair into a short bob so I am doing the color and the bangs. Bangs grow out quicker than a bob!

In other news, we got a new pet today. A leopard gecko who has yet to be named. My son is very excited about this new addition to the household but I am leary about whether or not he can properly care for it. Let's see how the kid handles the responsibilty of cleaning the terrarium and feeding it mealworms and crickets. If it works out, we're gonna get another so he'll have a friend.

Of course I can't leave out my lil BABYKITTY!!!

I am officially a nerd from hell. Check out BABYKITTY's Myspace profile!!0
Check it.

Girlie Indecision

2005-01-12T14:02:00.000-08:00

I am going to a new stylist tomorrow. EEEK! I'm bored with my same ole hair and I wanna do something different...I already decided to go HONEY BLONDE but can't decide on whether or not I should cut bangs...so I implore you, my friends, give me some advice...

BANGS OR NOT TO BANGS?

Fat No More

2005-01-11T20:26:00.000-08:00

You know how a lot of the time when you get into a committed relationship, you end up gaining a few? Like the Freshman 15 but different. Well, my boyfriend wasn't happy with his figure and wanted to do something about in the new year. Having been obese, I know how hard it is to diet especially when there is someone in the house who is eating whatever they want. Opening the fridge to a plethora of delectables strictly on the Sin List...feeling your mouth salivate...fighting the desire to cheat just this once and whether you give in or not you always end up feeling bad either because you resent the fact that you aren't the one who can eat whatever they want or because you gave in and feel like a weak piece of fat crap. It's the same whether you are 30 or 100 lbs overweight. It sucks across the board and it is hard. So I didn't want him to endure it alone. We started the South Beach Diet together yesterday.

I did the shopping and started with the mealplans in the book. The Quiche Cups were so disgusting, like green sludge in a cupcake tray, slimey spongey funk going down your throat...we were both taking bites and literally swallowing them without chewing, gagging along the way. But we did it...and I barfed. I don't think I have ever eaten something so disgusting before in my eating career (and it was a prosperous one). I was complaining to my girlfriend about how horrorfying it was and she happened to be on it too...explained we could do it online and choose the foods we don't like and they give you alternate meal plans to the book. Thank you Jesus! So since I already did the goddamn grocery shopping, we're locked into this week's meal plan. I wish I had a picture of my boyfriend's face as he choked back baked eggplant! Ahhh the things that amuse me...

What I hear more than anything when I tell people I used to be fat is "No way. I don't believe it."

Well, here's proof. Me in 1998...one week after my son was born and at my heaviest...260!

Believe it or not.

Bitter Betty

2005-01-08T18:34:00.000-08:00

I'm becoming what is known as a Bitter Betty. I'm not proud of this, mind you but but it's like I can't help:

1. Flipping the bird at idiot drivers. I don't even serve it up with an eye roll anymore.

2. At the risk of looking like a total mute crazy dumbass and well aware that no one else can hear me, yelling profanities at people in my car while they do stupid things like sit with their blinker on behind me when I need to get out of my parking space and they decide to wait for the dumbass motherfucker three spaces ahead who has to alphabetize their cd case or SOMETHING completely time consuming.

3. Outright sneering at people and audibly saying I wish that dumb bitch would SHUT THE FUCK UP who have really high pitched like omigawd no way you don't say voices, dumb bitches who won't shut their fucking mouths at restaurants or on airplines (Hey cuntbag, if I wanted to hear about your mundane pathetic life, I'd tune into some reality show featuring some other dumb broad made from the same mold).

4. No energy to even argue with the boyfriend anymore, we just give each other The Hand =; and move onto our own things.

5. Ughing at the RIDICULOUS names celebrities give their kids: Apple? Pilot? Banjo? Jesus, what's next? Banana? Tree? MaxiPad?

6. Being completely over initiating everything social in my life. I am so tired of all of the people who call themselves my friends but who never do friendly things like call when things aren't falling apart. I'm done being the shoulder to cry on and nothing more to these people.

7. And while we are on the subject of friends, I am tired of my friends not ever inviting me to do things because I have a kid and a boyfriend. That doesn't throw me off the social map, you assholes.

8. Looking for a mediocre job for less than mediocre pay. I am sick of it.

9. Skank ass silver spoon fed whoreflaps being labeled "celebrities" because they make sex tapes and their daddies are rich. Eat my ass.

10. And last but certainly not least, I'm sick of wanting more of out a life that clearly isn't putting out.

Oh and what the fuck is up with buying a package of chips, well ok I don't eat chips but wheat thins and opening the bag to find it only a third full??!! Shouldn't I then get a 2/3rds refund? I want the name and address of the fuckwad in charge of this and I am going to send him my boogers.

2005-01-02T13:52:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR, MY FRIENDS!!!

We stayed in on NYE watching movies and snuggling on the couch. It was nice to not have to deal with trying to do something fun for New Years and every year it's a mad rush to get somewhere to stand in line forever to pay ridiculous amounts of money to get in to stand in terrible lines to get overpriced watered down drinks...lol or go to some lame party where no one talks to you except to see if you have drugs. So the allure of staying in, I get it now.

My New Years Resolutions:

1.) Be a better mother by spending more time doing things with my son like arts & crafts, games, walks to the park. Listen and be more patient with him.

2.) Spend less time on the computer and more time being a mom.

3.) Regain my independence.

4.) Lose those last pesky 10 lbs.

5.) Re-engage in my pilates practice five times a week.

6.) See friends more.

7.) Forgive my family for their idiosyncracies and reach out to them despite them.

8.) Forgive myself for not being perfect.

9.) Look for ways to enrich my own life while enriching others.

10.) Volunteer for a community service helping children.

2004-12-29T19:04:00.000-08:00

Xmas party pics are here:

HERE

Cabo pics...

HERE

2004-12-21T13:40:00.000-08:00

The Xmas party was a blast. I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who showed up and especially to Paige who made the 500 mile journey and Stu who drove up from San Diego. Awesome! And thanks Stu for taking pics all night as I was too goddamn drunk and busy being Busy Beaver Hostess to do it myself. I can't wait to see the pics so if you have any, please email them to me post haste!

So here are some pics:

**removed**

Then things went blurry...

The aftermath:

**removed**

Lots of fun was had. I just remember lots of laughing, hugging, deep meaningful alcohol induced conversations, no drama. It rocked. The last people left at 5am and the last time I looked at the clock, it was 8 am. I slept through the whole day give or take waking up here and there to go to the bathroom and eat. So I started to clean yesterday and was struggling with the stopper in the sink when my fingers slipped off and my right index finger smashed into the blade of a knife in the murky water.

Had to go to hospital. The boyfriend was so sweet. Blew off kung fu and dressed the wound, sat me on the couch and got us into the car to take me to the hospital. Luckily I didn't need stitches but they used glue and steristrips and a bigger bandage over that which I have to keep dry for a week. I have to wear a plastic bag over my hand to keep it dry! I am going to look like a retard in Mexico with a plastic bag wrapped over my right hand...not to mention the lovely farmers tan that will result from it! But that's ok! My fingertip is a little numb but the doctor said I probably caught a nerve and it will grow back. I also had to get a tetanus shot which hurt. Once I was all taken care of, he took us to Black Angus for some margaritas and lobster!

So now I am hanging around with a blue rubber glove on my right hand and too afraid to take a shower. Maybe I'll see how long I can go without showering before I totally gross out my boyfriend! LOL

2004-12-18T13:57:00.000-08:00

Last night we went to my boyfriend's first LA boss's Xmas party in Beverly Hills. It was a nice party and it was good to see my boyfriend amongst peers who admire him so much. I felt like I was with a rockstar the way these people were falling all over themselves around him. They mainly do goverment websites and are trying to get him to come work for them. I have never seen so many people beg someone to take a job in my life. He has people all around him begging him to come on board. Must be nice. I hope by the time I am 36 I will have such success in my career.

On our way home I got a call from the babysitter saying the fridge was leaking. Great. We open the garage door and for the love of all that is holy water was pouring down from the ceiling and all over the garage floor. There was a little hole in the ceiling and water was literally spewing out in a stream from the kitchen above. I immediately pictured the refrigerator plowing through the ceiling and squashing my car as I ran upstairs. The poor babysitter was frantic and had pulled out every towel in the house to catch the water that was shooting out in a steady stream from the water filter pipe. Somehow the attachment came loose and it was just flowing. Of course there is a very obvious valve shut off right there but she is a girl not raised around a construction business so I shut it off. So instead of having my brother reattach it, I am going to hire someone to come weld a copper pipe to the filter so this doesn't happen again. I am dreading what it is going to cost to fix the water damage but it shouldn't be too bad. I am hoping it will only be around $1,000 or so. I had to clean the mess myself because my boyfriend went to bed. The only downfall to being with an artist is they don't grasp "man duties" at all. In many ways, I am the man of the house - fixing things and such. At least he takes out the trash.

Tonight is the big party. We have the ice luge coming at 8 and this year it will be shaped as a gun because what better shape to have it made in for the holidays? lol I am expecting about 60 people but a lot of them aren't coming til later so I think there will be people filtering in and out through the night which will be good because our condo is only 1500 square feet! lol

Oh a pic from last weekend when we went to see Patton Oswald at M-Bar:

My man, myself and "the other woman" - his 1973 Plymouth Roadrunner

Anyway Happy Holidays everyone!!!

2004-12-14T13:29:00.000-08:00

Yay. The holidays. Time for Christmas cheer and maxing your credit cards to only put a miniscule pathetic dent in the balance by next Christmas and so the cycle churns.

I am not a big Scrooge by any means but I would like to see the holidays go smooth for one person I know. Everyone I know dreads the holidays. Family gatherings just remind us of why we moved away in the first place and the stress of trying to please one person through the ordeal is enough to make anyone want to just stay home.

This year we aren't getting a tree because we are going to be in Cabo for Xmas and I don't want to deal with worrying about whether or not the cats somehow chewed through a cord or knocked the goddamn thing over while we are gone so fuck it. No tree. We get a railing decorated with icicle lights and that's it.

What is it with the holidays anyway? Why is a time that is meant to be merry bring out such woe and depression? So many people are sad during this time of year. I am not sad. I am bitching because as a woman who is cursed with mestruation, it is my genetic right but I mean the people who are like Paxil prescribed sad. Bummer but like my grandpappy always said...Better them than me! LOL

Oh! And for those coming to our Xmas party this weekend, please make sure you RSVP on the Evite!

Happy Holidays!

Awesome Hilarious Free Banners from Rotodesign.com

2004-12-10T01:28:00.000-08:00

LMAO

2004-12-08T15:22:00.000-08:00

I got this email today:

=======
Subject: Disgusted
Date: Wed, 8 Dec 2004 12:01:39
From: "XXXXXX" idiot@stupidass.com Add to Address Book
To: "Rachel"

I think it's terrible that you brag about your promiscuious lifestyle online and furthermore that you perform such acts while your child is in the home. It sickens me how irresponsible some people are with innocent children.
=======

Chick must be catholic.

I was tempted to post the actual email address of this fucktard but thought better of it. Even assholes deserve their anonymity. Let me just say that my life is mine to live and anyone can have their opinion about it as I post it online no holds barred for the world to see. I didn't want my personal diary to be about anything else than my personal life so I made the decision to post it online as I live my life, with my heart on my sleeve, take me or leave me. I am open about myself including my sexuality and I make no excuses for either.

This email didn't really disturb me as much as it made me wonder who else might share this opinion. So before you go tisk tisking me, let me say that I am a very good mother. My son comes before all else. He has always slept through the night without ever waking up since he was a baby. He gets up early but never wakes up in the middle of the night so I am comfortable with doing what I want without worrying about waking him up. I can literally vacuum in his room while he is sleeping and he won't wake up.

A few points to argue...first, is my sleeping with women really being promiscuious? This strikes me as kind of funny but I suppose if you look at it technically, I have several lovers a year aside from my boyfriend so if that is your definition of promiscious...then I'm guilty. But - Big fucking deal. That's a lot less than most single people I know. Does that make me a bad parent? Is that disgusting? I don't think so, in fact, I am finally at a point in my life where I think things pretty much rock. Sure I could have a stable lucrative career but aside from that, I am very fucking happy. It's been a long time of blood, sweat and tears to get here so sorry, your narrowminded conservative view isn't raining on my parade.

Second, since when is having sex in the house when children are home a bad thing? Haven't couples been doing that forever? What's the difference if we have a third person in the mix? It isn't like we put the kid in a front row seat and have him watch. I make sure doors are locked and he is sleeping soundly in his room. We don't scream. We are mindful of the fact that there is a child in the house. I am assuming that any sex in the house is disgusting to people like the one who wrote me. She must have a really happy life. lol Uptight cunt.

Third, sex is a beautiful thing. We have come a long way since the 50s. It blows my mind that oral sex is still illegal in some states in this country yet we have the technology to clone a human being. It kills me how closeminded people still are in 2004. Open your minds people. Living your lives closeminded is only walking through life in the dark.

OK enough of this crap.

I just got home from a day shopping with a girlfriend but it wasn't exactly your typical shopping trip. Questions to the salesperson on my shopping trip went something like this:

"Hi, I am looking for a harness."

"Sure, we have several over here. Would you like leather, fabric or vinyl?"

"Um leather please."

"Does this one accomodate different sized dildos?"

"Yes the Texas Two Strap. You can remove the cock ring so you can use different sized ones."

"Hmmmm. Is it secure? I don't want it to slide down my hips."

"It has adjustable straps on each side and they can pull as tight as you want."

"Hmmmm. OK. It looks a lot like the one I already have. Maybe I'll try the different rings."

So we moved on to looking at the dildos. Big black ones. Long skinny stabby looking blue ones. Short fat red ones. Lumpy bumpy green ones. My friend and I could not stop laughing. Next thing I know, she lets out a little shriek.

"OH MY GOD RACHEL TOUCH THIS."

It was a silicone softie. A 3 inch fake dick that looked soft. I was wondering why the hell they would make a soft dick and reached out and touched it. As I pinched the tip, the pads of my forefinger and thumb almost touched through it. I got the heebie jeebies so bad the hair on my arm stood up and I got gooseflesh. I jumped around and shook all over while laughing my ass off. It felt so real and I still couldn't figure out why they would make a fake soft dick when the salesgirl leans in and whispers:

"It's for packing."

I'm thinking, packing? And naturally I am thinking of packing a suitcase. I must've looked perplexed because she added:

"In your pants."

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THAT kind of packing. Um ok. I've seen that on real sex on HBO before and a few times in lesbian bars but it was obvious they were wearing real big dildos in their pants not little softies. Well I guess that puts a whole new spin on penis envy. lol

So I purchased my new toys. Got something called The Big Stiffie and another called The Feeldoe, some latex powderless gloves, lube with a pump, and a hot all girl porn dvd made by women and the salesgirl said it's her favorite because all the women in the movie really get into it and you can tell they are really actually enjoying it. I am so looking forward to playing with all this stuff. I can't wait...i can't wait...I can't wait. And I did a good public service duty (heh I said doody) by buying my friend the Ben Wah balls she wanted. I'm such a good friend. LOL! I think maybe I am on some secret mission to corrupt the world to my PROMISCUIOUS ways.

*mwuhahahaahaha*

P E R F E C T.

2004-12-07T15:04:00.000-08:00

You know what's funny about getting wasted? Flashbacks. Right when you think all the embarrassing crazy shit you did/said has been reckoned, more peers through the fog. Sweet. Well the memories from Friday night are equally sweet as they are embarrassing. For those of you offended by such things as beaver bumping, you might not want to read this.

The funny thing about threesomes is how random they are. I spend a good deal of time online now and then trolling for playmates on the internet and it never pans out. I am sure 98% of the time I emailing with men masquerading as hot bi chicks. Our Friday night guest was a total fluke. I think after molesting them for however long in the back patio of the club, I turned to her and said:

"So, wanna go party at our place?"
"Sure.
"Lesgo."

And there ya have it. Easy as that. This is where I start strutting around singing "You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm ladies man...no time to talk..."

And my memory shot to being at the house with her and messing around...until the other day when I remembered watching her climb into the backseat of my boyfriends car and then diving on top of her where we proceeded to tear each other's clothes off until we were butt ass naked going at it...on Sunset Boulevard...at midnight on a Friday night. Do you know how packed that street is on weekends? It must've been quite a show for those who were near us at the red lights LOL Apparently my boyfriend even stopped at a liquor store and left us in the car and we had NO CLUE he even was gone or that the car was parked. I can just picture the staple homeless guy outside of Pla-Boy Liquor staring in the window.

Then I remember getting home, dressing in a hurry and rushing upstairs so I could pay the babysitter...then realizing that my hair fall was twisted sideways and my goddamn pants were on inside out.

The rest of the night just plain rocked. Our guest was the sweetest girl, understood the act of reciprocation, was soooo lovely and totally open to trying anything. I want her again. I think I will.

I am very interested how my party on the 18th is going to turn out. I will bet there will be much more debauchery this time round...

2004-12-05T19:45:00.000-08:00

We had our one year anniversary Friday night and I got a necklace...he got a threesome.

Life is good.

2004-12-02T17:51:00.000-08:00

***Disclaimer: I hereby waive responsibilty for any typos or discriminatory fueled statements made in the fgollowing rant due to alcohiol consumtption:

Today I took The Test. The one I have been waiting dfor for 3 months. Good ole' Real Estate Salesperson/Broker test and I am failry sure I failed it because I am a dumbass. Not in the lack of intelligence way but in the procrastinating assuminfg way. I am not a good Tester. I can write a 5 star essay but give me a test and I blank out. I was planning on going to the 2 day crash live course and mnaturally waited til the last minute to discover they were all sold out and had been months in adfvance. Krickey. So I was stuck getting the downlaidable homestudy sofrtware. Well slap me Sally if the fucking program didn't have abojt 1500 questions and I had less than a week to study. Need less to say, I didn't pass the practice exams.

I got to the test location downtown no troubnle. The lady or proctor (Why does that make me feel like she is going to slip on latex gloves and search my body cavities?) was a dead ringer for the lady in grease, you know Blanche's bossy sidekick, except she was black and like 60. Sassy ole gal with a no nonsense attirude. Loved to ask if anyone had amny questions and then jump down your throat with a..."I haven't gotten to that yet, have I?" To which I had to smartoff with "Well, I assumed you were finished with instructions since you said you were finisdhed with instructions and asked if there were questions." To which I was met by a steely glare and silencce which is always fun in front of an audience of about 60 people.

The assortment of folk that came in for this test was astounding. We had your young kids fresh out of high school, your older folk who were on their 18th career change, your wiggers, their counterpart bitches and a few snooty peopple mixed in with the normal folk. I was one of three people who actually dressed for the occasion. I didn;t know it was laundry day for everyone else.

Apparently Christina Aguilera's equally fasion inclined older cousin was there and I think she was there trying to get out of the hooking industry. Not that I have anything against whores but honestl;y, proper hygeine is appreciated by the general public. I could and bear yourselves people, smell her pussy. *gag* It was like bad cooter on my upper lip. I had to ask to change seats it was so nauseating. The girl next to me and I even exchanged Can you smell what I think I smell? looks. So I got seated across the room where I got to sit in front of this extremely considerate gal who was reading outloud under her breath. It;'s like trying to fall alseep with the reasonating soundf of the bathroom sink dripping. I wwas about to stick my pencil in her eye when this deafening alarm went off. Yup the fire alarm. First thing I thought of was 9/11!! You didn;t have to ask me twice to get out of there. I sprang out of my seat so fast I am sure all you could see was a blur rushing by you. We filed down the fire escape and to 9th street. The fire trucks came and went...we went back upstairs to find it was a false alarm. They gavre us the option to leave and retake the test without penalty but fuck I was more than halfway done and wanted to get it over with so I stayed. For the rest of the 45 minutes it took for me to complete the exam, the fire alarm lights were flickering above us. Very distracting. So between Bad Cooter, Whisper Bitch and Light Flicker Room and obviously not being properly prepared, it looks like I am riding the unemployment train a little longer. Oh well. Gives me a chance to focus on our holiday party and get certified in pilates insruction.

Oh if any of you regulars are in the LA area and want to come to our Xmas party on 12/18, email me and I'll send you an invite....unless you're creepy.

OK time for margarita induced nap before i hit the lesbo bars tonight.

2004-11-23T16:03:00.000-08:00

Been a busy little bee:

Amanda

Chrystal

Emily

2004-11-10T01:27:00.000-08:00

Halloween weekend went off without a hitch...barely. My son and I helped my boyfriend move in. Got the Budget truck which took an HOUR because the guy behind the counter was literally 108 years old and kept forgetting where he was in his paperwork so he kept repeating himself. I have nothing against people with alzheimers but for the love of motherfuck, don't hire these people. For some reason my son thought moving was the coolest thing ever because he kept saying "This is the best day of my life." which was cute but mind boggling because who the hell in their right mind likes moving especially when the person you are helping move has relatively little to no stress management skills and was being a total dickhead all day? Didn't seem to bug my boy though. I noted that I need to learn by his example sometimes. So, got the boyfriend moved in, got the truck back and went to Outback where we ingested 4 double margaritas a piece...which was nice because it was the first time the entire day I saw my boyfriend smile. I am sure that leaving the one place you have called home for four years, the only place he has known since he moved here in 2000, can't be easy and I know he loved living in the heart of Hollywood. To me, the traffic, the bums, the underlying odor of ass combined with a sprinkle of piss is well, less than homey. He'll get over it because there ain't no way in hell I am raising my kid in Hollywood. As a parent, your kid comes first. Hands down. The boyfriend seems to understand that although he does voice his disdain for this area. He can bitch all he wants. He has it made now. Got to move in with his girlfriend who worships him, cooks, cleans, is cool and brings home chicks once in a while. What more could a guy want? LOL!

Was able to take the kid to the zoo in the afternoon which turned out to not be a very well thought out idea being that going to the zoo involves walking...and walking...and more walking...and of course all the cool Halloween stuff they had for kids like the feeding of pumpkins to the hippos went down around 10 am...when I was still in bed (hey it's the weekend, I'm entitled). It was kind of funny though seeing all of the people dressed up. I felt like I was at a RPG convention. As usual, I felt sorry for the animals and was grumpy and tired by the time we got home. Had to rush around to find a pumpkin for my son to carve and of course every goddamn pumpkin in Burbank was sold. Poor baby. He was a little disappointed but luckily I was able to distract him with trick or treating. Why is it that every time you DON'T bring a jacket, it is nipplefreezin fuckin cold? I was freezin my tits off walking up and down neighborhoods until we got to this creepy house...fog...coffin out front...scary music...I was thinking Man these guys get into it and I thought I kicked ass because I put up some orange lights and some fake spiderwebs with 3 plastic spiders on our porch... when it happened...I heard a chainsaw and out of the fog came what could only be described as the body of Michael Meyers, the head of Jason and the chainsaw action of Leatherface. Coming at me. OK I know this was a costume but that guy scared me! My son jumped and as I started stepping backwards, the coffin lid flew open and a guy reached out and grabbed my son's arm...we bolted down the street! The scary chainsaw guy kept following us in this long steady stride almost to the corner. It was so cool! Next year I am going to pretend to have a ripper...put some Alka Selzter in my mouth and start foaming while I convulse. HAHHAHA

So the lame Halloween decorations are still up outside, drenched and matted...I think I will just leave em til it stops raining and they're dry. Living with someone again is cool. We are so compatible it's scary. Living with me is helping him in a lot of ways, straightening his ass out which only benefits and of course his love and support never goes unappreciated. The only thing I need to get used to is his goddamn snoring. It's like sleeping next to a fucking lawnmower. Playing housewife is fun for now but I am looking forward to a new career come the new year. Til then, tequila, my friends...tequila.

2004-10-29T22:55:00.000-07:00

Ok...thank you for cudos ladies but I want you to see some before and after action. I am going to be courageous here and post a before and after of myself. If I did so with any of my models, I would probably end up in the LA County Morgue with a tag on my big toe. LOL But I want to show a sample of what I was talking about in my post below. Retouches can make a world of difference in a photo as demonstrated below. My definition of retouching takes a very long time and is an art in itself.

The unretouched before pic is on the left and the retouched after pic is on the right. You can see how I darkened shadows and slimmed the side of my cheek on the left side which is my main thing I hate in my pics other than the dark circles/bags under my eyes. I also wanted the makeup to be more prominent so I accentuated that too. You can also see the soft blur technique I use on pretty much all the pics I do as it is such an awesome technique to smooth out skin, especially for those of us who aren't 20 anymore and who might have done a little too much sunbathing and might have did a little too many substances and maybe a little too much boozin and possibly some smoking...cigarettes...not crack...cept for maybe that one time...

So there ya have it. The not so naked truth lol

2004-10-29T13:32:00.000-07:00

That time of the month is really only bad on the first day. So when I'm feeling bloated, there is no better therapy than shoving my water retaining ass into a corset, slathering make up on with a trowel and playing with my camera. This is becoming my photography blog LOL

Shoot: October 27, 2004
Model: Self
Stylist: Self
Theme: Pin up

I don't know...there weren't any asian pinup girls were there? I'm such a poser.

Shoot: October 27, 2004
Model: Kelly
Theme: 50s Glamour

Man I love those.

The thing that is so cool about what my photography is morphing into is the artistry of it all. The idea, setting it up, make up, putting together the outfit and finding things to tie it into the set, hair, the actual photographing, the retouching and applying a "look" to the photograph. I got an email on Myspace from a photographer who was scoffing at the way I retouch, saying I am giving my models "Photoshop faces". Fuck you with your haughty attitude. Insinuating that I am cutting corners and basically suck because I am using Photoshop instead of *insert wonder of the world I don't know about here*? Oh I'm sorry. Am I supposed to leave in the dark circles, blemishes, yellow teeth, that little extra fold here or there and countless other little things us women hate about ourselves in pictures? Eat my asian ass. HELLOOOO that is what PHOTOshop was made for...taking PHOTOgraphy to the next level. If I can remove someone's most hated flaw and produce a photograph of them the way they see themselves ideally in their mind, how is that cutting corners? Does this dumbshit have any goddamn clue how painstaking and how much time goes into changing a regular picture into something dreamy and surreal? No. So fuck you. Besides I am not shooting Kate Moss with a $15,000 camera and $10,000 worth of lighting equipment so again, fuck you. (And don't even tell me those models aren't retouched before the images go to print) I am shooting real women with real flaws and removing the flaws. I ain't a goddamn magician. I have to do it somehow and sorry but you could be fucking Annie Lebowitz and not get these results without some photoshop action. Personally, I think it fucking rocks what can be done these days with computers (holy hell i just sounded so old Hey Sonny, it's amazing what these kids can do these days with computers, where's my dentures?)and when I hear the girls gushing and nearly in tears over their pics, I know I am on the right path. Besides, this is my art, I'll do it the way I want it done and if you don't like it, fuck off. Have a nice day.

2004-10-26T16:26:00.000-07:00

This is why men will never understand women: Menstruation.

Some months it's just worse than others. My cramps are insane. I'm meloncholy. I feel like a hippo. The weather is overcast and gloomy...had a bad dream and got back in bed after I took my son to school. I dined on a whole pint of strawberry shortcake ice cream and bawled my eyes out while watching HBO and animal adoption stories on Animal Planet. Is it just me or is being sad kinda...fun? I mean not fun like tongue hanging out your mouth while hanging your head out the window at 65 mph but fun like it's just what you want to be doing? I dunno...I'm whacked. I think The Abyss is on...I'm takin my hot pocket upstairs and cuddling up with my kleenex.

2004-10-22T03:01:00.000-07:00

Shoot: October 21, 2004
Model: Lia
Theme: Pin-up

It's 3 a.m. and I just finished working with some of the raw files from tonight's shoot. All pin up stuff. I am very happy with the outcome! Comments/critique welcomed...

LIA

2004-10-21T13:54:00.000-07:00

Take a look to the sky just before you die
It is the last time you will
Blackened roar massive roar fills the crumbling sky
Shattered goal fills his soul with a ruthless cry
Stranger now, are his eyes, to this mystery
He hears the silence so loud

Man. Metallica just went downhill after that album.

I am in much better spirits today. Thank you all for your continued support and always making me smile with your sharp comments. It's funny how this whole blogging community works. You share your life online with total strangers yet they know more details about your life than most of your friends. For my blogging friends, I am trying to get better with posting comments but for those of you who are writing about politics and sports right now, ummm I just don't have anything to say. lol

Yesterday I was going to spend the day in bed feeling sorry for myself but a friend had invited me over and I had already said Yes. I was watching Animal Miracles and was going to cancel but then realized that it would be way too easy to let myself fall into some bullshit depression over something I cannot control like the opionions others have of me. So I went and I am so glad I did.

My friend is a photographer and so is his girlfriend. She does glamour stuff of women for a living. I was looking at her stuff and it is along the lines of the stuff I have been doing. I was telling my friend a few weeks ago that I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my photography and that it always ended up being lingerie/boudoir type stuff. After hanging out with them, I realized that I am drawn to what I have been doing for a reason and I can pursue it professionally. Sure, it probably won't be my bread and butter but it would be nice to have focus and purpose in my art. As a photographer, to see the emotions that go through a woman when she sees the pics of herself in a way she has never seen herself is amazing. I have seen girls cry and it is the best feeling ever because they are tears of joy.

So today is a good day. Today is a fucking great day. I found purpose. I found my inspiration and it was there all along.

2004-10-19T21:27:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Reasons Why My Weekend Sucked:

1.) Got caught up in traffic due to TWO accidents on the I-10 Friday night so the two hour drive took four hours.

2.) Didn't get any.

3.) Mom lectured me about getting my son into the Kabballah program in LA. (Um thanks Mom for remembering the fifty million times I told you I believe he should choose his own religion and what about my beliefs being his MOTHER??)

4.) Mom expressed her concern for me since I am getting older and therefore should land a rich man to take care of me and my son...love and sexual attraction will grow with time...(ummm yeah if you're a superficial shallow WHORE). *ahem* And oh thanks for the confidence that maybe I could support myself and my son and oh yeah last time I checked I was in love with my boyfriend who happens to be moving in at month's end and will be taking care of me and my son.

5.) Came home drained to find we were locked out as houseguest locked door to house and has only house key.

6.) Finally got inside to find my computer mysteriously acquired a trojan virus and wiped my C drive.

7.) Realized all my raw files from my last two shoots were on my C drive.

8.) Discovered I have less than $50 in the bank.

9.) Three, count em THREE, uberzits surfaced on my face in all their glorious unison.

10.) I didn't get any...did I mention that?

Art my way to happineth

2004-10-14T23:46:00.000-07:00

K I'm done tweeking about my past.

When sorrow invades, exercise creativity...it heals.

Shoot 1: October 14, 2004
Model: Self
Theme: Spacegirl
Stylist: Self

Shoot 2: October 14, 2004
Model: Erika
Theme: Portrait
Stylist: Self

I'm spent. Night y'all.

If those walls could talk...

2004-10-12T22:28:00.000-07:00

Today I was on Myspace checking email and I noticed a bulletin titled "I just had a baby" or something to that effect from someone on my friends list. She is a friend of my friend and I only met her once but I knew she wasn't pregnant because I just met her and there was no bun in the oven...I read it and followed the link to her profile...read her LA trip post and my breath caught in my chest. They were hanging out with a friend of my exhusband. I felt sick. Naturally I don't harbor any feelings towards them hanging out with this guy who happens to be friends with my exhusband. I mean, I doubt this dude even knows me or recognizes me as he was coming into my ex's life as I was going out and I was very fat then. He wouldn't recognize me now but...if my ex came up with a profile on that site, he could easily find my profile through this guy and my friends...basically that would be the end of fun on that site for me which would be sad because I have met some really good friends on that site and I meet potential models all the time. The idea of him reading my thoughts and looking at my pictures, having any information to use against me in court which he has and would...this is a man who beat his pregnant wife, nothing is beneath him. Panic. Disgust. Anger. I wanted to stand in a hot shower for an hour and then curl up in my boyfriend's big safe arms.

Funny enough, I already had dinner planned with my girlfriend who is friends with the girl who I mentioned above. During dinner we talked about this and turns out that while hanging out with this guy one day, they met my exhusband! Ugh. My friend was shocked. She said, "What? THAT was him??? But...he's ugly." HAHAHAA God I love her. Hey, people appeal to you in certain times in your life and he worked that whole european Don Juan thing on me. I am a small town girl from PETALUMA for krissakes, I didn't know a french jew whose parents were from Northern Algeria would mean he was basically an arab who would end up treating me like his cattle.

Memories. Not good memories, mind you, have been swirling around in my head like an unwanted houseguest. We've all heard about domestic violence but until you live it, you have no idea. I was married to a man who systematically abused me. Unless you go through it, you have no idea what it is like to have your spirit broken down to shreds in the tread of his boot while you become a shell of a human being, of someone who was once YOU, you just are...lost. I remember being so fearful that I would prepare dinner in a way he disapproved of like the time I made a honeyglaze over a chicken...he threw his plate across the room and it shattered just a few feet from where I was standing, pregnant and trembling. I rushed the chicken to the sink and frantically scrubbed the honeyglaze off because I had forgotten that he didn't like to mix salty things with sweet things...my fault...stupid me...if I had remembered what he liked to eat, he wouldn't be so mad...my fault. Seriously. You begin to think like this. Even when he had my head under water while I was in the bathtub, it was my fault because I had let myself go and gain over 100 lbs while pregnant. I let my husband down. Yes he was right because I was fat and could not sexually arouse him. I was a pig. I deserved it. My fault. If I didn't let myself get so fat, he wouldn't be so mad. The way your mind starts to think is pathetic. Scary. Especially for a headstrong girl who never listened to anyone.

The last day I spent with him was August 8, 1998. My son was 11 months old and I had spent the night on the couch because we had gotten into a fight the night before. H wanted me to do ecstasy with him and I refused because I was still breastfeeding and objected to doing drugs in the house with our son. He flew off the handle saying I was ruining his life, all he does is work and I was taking the fun out of his life. He kicked me in the back of the leg and I locked myself in the bathroom. Talk about a Charlie horse. When I thought he was asleep, I crept out of the bathroom and slept on the couch. In the morning, I waited for him to go into the shower and I was going to take my son for a walk, leave before he got out of the bathroom to avoid more fighting...as I was walking out the door with my son in my arms, he yanked me by my ponytail so hard that my head snapped backwards touching my spine. A clump of hair rested in his palm and he pulled my son from my arms and shoved me out the front door, locking it behind me. He kissed my son's face and smiled at me through the window as I pounded on the door to get back inside. The feeling inside of me as he kissed my son and smiled in that evil way, that monster holding my precious angel. I was frantic, crying and pleading for him to let me in. Eventually he did. I held my son tight and tried to flee to the bedroom. He was too close behind and I just wasn't fast enough...he pulled my son from my arms and set him on the floor a few feet away. Very calmly, he turned and wrapped his hands around my throat. In french he called me a whore and a bitch over and over as he throttled my throat with his fingers. He spat a loogie in my face and banged my head against the wall...I saw my son sitting there crying, his little blue shirt soaked with tears...i barely even felt the punches to my face...i could only claw at his arms trying to free myself to breathe...my son was screaming and crying...it went black for a moment...I remember waking up on the floor, my husband left me there with our son on the floor in hysterics, he finished getting ready and then he went to work. I came to as he was pulling out of the driveway, screeching down the street, music blaring...my baby boy was clinging to my head and still crying. We were both trembling as I scrambled off the floor. With my baby and what I could fit in my little car, I headed north to my mom and dad. On highway 5 in the 102 degree heat, my tire blew. I swerved on the highway and came to a skidding hard stop in the gravel on the shoulder of the road. Carrying my son down the road in the heat to the emergency call phone, I jumped everytime a car would whir by. It was like they were going 500 miles an hour and were a foot away. I tried walking as far from the road as possible but the shoulder went down at a bad angle into a ravene. Finally I got to the phone and waited almost an hour for the tow truck. Once I got to the service station, I thought I would give my husband the benefit of the doubt. He knew we were leaving and we were in trouble. I called him for money as he never allowed me to have cash or a credit card, I only had a bank card from an account he put $200 a week into which was always spent on groceries and gas. I think there was $15 in it at the time. He said I was a disgrace as a mother. To put my son in that position. He hung up on me. Luckily my parents were always there to help and took care of it for me. I went back home with his thumbprints bruised into my throat, my eye filled with blood and lumps on the back of my head. I had bruises all over my ribs and buttocks from previous attacks. I was someone else. I was a sad broken ghost of a girl who was once named Rachel.

It's been a long, hard road back. But even now, I am reminded of the hell I survived. Things like what happened today throw me in it for just a moment. Remind me not to get too comfortable. Always be ready because he might make good on his promise...If you ever leave me, I will kill you, take my son to Israel and your family will never see him again. I will be long gone by the time they find your body.

On my way home from dinner tonight, I passed street we lived on together. My son was asleep and I made the hard turn and shot down the alley back to the street where it all happened. How many nights had I fled from the house and spent hours weeping behind a neighbor's car or anywhere I could hide? Too many to count. How many screams had risen up in the nightsky in this neighborhood? Too many to count. This is the place where I lost my soul. This is the place I died. I parked the car across the street and stared at the house. I felt like I was visiting a grave. The house looks different now. They even changed the location of the front door. Cheesy lattice all over the front yard to form some mockery of a fence. Just a reminder of how long ago it was but still, these memories are so fresh in my head that it could have happened yesterday. I can see his face inches from mine, snarling at me, the deep angry crease above in his forehead as he screamed at me...pulled my hair, threw me to the ground...kicked me in the stomach. Such horror within those walls...so much I have overcome...and still I have to smile when I drop off my son for visitation. Some things you cannot wash away. How do you forgive when there is no justice for crimes gone unpunished? He denies everything. I only had one measly hospital record where the doctor called the cops as it was obviously a domestic violence situation. One stinkin record. I had nothing. I guess what's in the past is in the past. But how do I share my son with a monster and be happy about it?

I can't.

2004-10-07T11:56:00.000-07:00

I have decided that unemployment has its perks. The light was glimpsed when I had to go to a temp agency for my first time. Everyone seems to rave about how easy it is to get jobs through temp agencies. OK, so I went. I had to sit through a 45 minute training video using giganormous headphones that made me feel like I was 6 years old listening to my parents 8 track. Training video on how to be a TEMP? Uhhh ok. So the video had this horrible actor playing none other than Sherlock Holmes and was enthuisiasticly talking to the camera (ie the viewer) as if it (we/I) were Watson. Some wild haired blonde with bad costume jewelry and an outfit suited only for trailer parks in Alabama played the cookie cutter bad temp and a prim and proper brunette with her hair pulled tightly in a bun and what seemed like a metal rod placed just as tightly up her ass played the good temp.

As I endured this horrifying video for the duration of the longest 45 minutes of my natural life, I had to answer questions on a quiz they gave me. I distinctly remember one of the lessons talking about how a temp should never perform a task or job that causes them stress or emotional anguish. I can live with that. Seems logical. Don't be stressed, don't do more than what you have been hired to do, don't stand on boxes or a swivel chair to reach things high up, don't walk on oil spots in the parking garage or you'll end up like Millie...got it. Check, check, check and check.

So, after a few weeks of turning down interviews for slave labor at slave pay rates, I got a call for what seemed like a pretty cool opportunity. If you don't already know this, my long term goal is to become a psychologist. I would love to do this but as a single parent, it is very difficult to go to college, raise a kid, work and live. So school always gets set aside. It took me three years to get my AA...oh wait that's right, I am 3 classes AWAY from my AA so technically, it took me 3 years to ALMOST get my AA. *snort* Even better. Yay, and I didn't think I could feel worse today. Thanks Me.

ANYWAY so this job is for a part time office manager position working with a group of psychologists who STUDY homosexuality. Whoa. Cool! How interesting would that be. I went to the webpage and glanced over it while my son had a sugar attack behind me. Cool ok yeah I'll check it out. Once I get to the interview, I could tell I was in for it. It was the smallest office I have ever seen. Three women sharing a space the size of my kitchen. I wonder if they are all on the same menstrual cycle. What? It could happen. So, the lady loved me, so much so that she started "venting" and talking shit to me about how incompotent the other two women in the office are. Nice. The interview was going well until she handed me a 3 page packet and told me to type it exact. OK. As my fingers are pounding the keyboard, I am slowing my pace and my heart starts beating faster...What the.... These crazy motherfuckers BELIEVE that homosexuality is a MENTALL ILLNESS that can be cured through TREATMENT and FAITH. (Just go ahead and throw the two things that will set me off on a heated debate with anyone who will go head to head with me....heh, I said HEAD)

OH MY CUNNILINGUS.

My mind was racing. My sexual encounters with women started flashing in my mind like a music video. I think I caught myself smirking.

Main Entry: oral sex
Function: noun
: oral stimulation of the genitals : CUNNILINGUS : FELLATIO

Source: Merriam-Webster Medical Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.

oral sex

n : oral-genital stimulation; "they say he gives good head" [syn: head]

Pussy. Eat pussy. Lick it. Sweet candy. Tits. Biting. Tickle. Cute little toes. Curves. Soft skin. Hair cascading over my belly as her mouth moves down......I could not stop the train of thought...the inevitable pattern of thought spiraling further into my own perversions. Chuckling to myself I thought of taking the job and coming into work with the scent of a female lover still on my chin.

I almost walked out. Morally I could not deal with the idea of working for such a bullshit organization that I adamantly oppose.

So unemployment it is. I'll keep my unemployment and my self esteem thank you. I mean I'm not a hardcore liberalist or anything but being half gay and not choosing to be this way, just BEING this way, I couldn't in good conscience take the job.

The temp agency is pissed at me now which is funny because I do believe it was THEM who made me sit through a 45 minute video on what my rights and limitations are and once I exercise it, they blow me off.

Nothin like a lil hypocrisy in the mornin.

2004-09-30T14:01:00.000-07:00

Photoshoot: September 29, 2004
Model: Kelly

CLICK IT

Would love your comments...I think it's my best work yet...

2004-09-29T20:15:00.000-07:00

What a difference a lens makes...

2004-09-27T14:01:00.000-07:00

When in doubt, ROCK OUT!

So I was feelin a little weepy and sorry for myself for no reason this morning. Eh, I'm over it. You know what's funny is that for some reason girls take dreams to heart. I don't know a guy who wakes up pissed off at his significant other for cheating in a dream. Heh.

Popped in a little JUDAS PRIEST and rocked myself into organization mode. I got half of my walk in closet cleared out for the boyfriend (*SOB* MY CLOSET!!!) and most of the little things off the carpet and in the bathtub to make room for the CARPET GUYS tomorrow! That's right! My new carpet is FINALLY coming. I can't wait! I am going to roll around naked on it when it's done!

Mental Notes:

Things not to do in the morning:

1. Eat ravioli. (bad juju)
2. Mistake foot cream for face cream. (ick. burns eyes)
3. Use vibrator before taking kid to school. (really embarrassing when kid goes HEY MOM WHAT'S THAT BIG WHITE THING ON YOUR BED FOR??...cannot come up with witty coverup at 8:00 am)
4. Math. (self explanitory)

2004-09-27T09:30:00.000-07:00

I woke up crying this morning with zero recollection of what I was dreaming about. My pillow was wet with tears in one spot where you can actually make out the outline of the side of my face. Eventhough I don't remember the dream, I am in a strange mood. I dropped the boy off at school and came back to this empty house. Feeling out of sorts. Feeling like I wanna kick rock and cry some more for some reason. Ahhhh the splendors of having your period.

2004-09-26T15:53:00.000-07:00

Really gotta stop partying so hard that we end up at porn shops at 3 am buying whippets, ULOs (unidentified lubricated objects), and hosiery.

Head hurts.

Must lay down on couch and become vegetable.

2004-09-22T22:05:00.000-07:00

Hold the fucking phone. There is a disturbance in the force. If you've been reading my blog since April, you know that I had my boobs done. Well, they are still relatively new but my left implant is starting to feel weird. This is not good. I went in with the plan of switching to silicone once they perfected the safety standards because silicon is so much lighter and feels so much more natural but saline is safer. Well ain't it my luck to have one hardening up on me. I have resorted to pushing my body weight against the implant either against a wall or on the floor. I hope I don't pop the fucker. Now I am subconsiously squeezing my left boob all the time and not realizing that um Hi this isn't NORMAL behavior in public. I need to get a Sharpie and scrawl DO NOT FEEL YOURSELF UP IN PUBLIC on the top of my right hand.

I'll add that to the TO DO list as soon as I find it. I know it's buried under this mess somewhere...

2004-09-22T20:43:00.000-07:00

This just brings a whole new meaning to the word DUMBASS:

WTF

And I thought I missed out on not going to college out of high school.

2004-09-21T17:33:00.000-07:00

After purchasing that camera and those lenses, I have been on some sort of high matched only to post coital bliss. I am feelin' sassy. Randy even. I am feelin' like I need to find me a pretty girl with a big smile who I can pin down and tickle (among other things). Now if I could only find a girl-bar that plays anything OTHER than hip hop! Hrrrmmmmm...well maybe enduring hip hop won't be so bad if the chicks are hot...let me put my Rationalization Cap on and get back to ya on this one.

For Photography Enthusiasts...

2004-09-21T13:29:00.000-07:00

If you aren't into photography...excuse the huge images but if you are, you know why I am posting the largest pics I can find of them. Prepare to cream...

Today I spent the morning online searching prices for the new Canon 20D which is the best in it's class for professional photographers who cannot afford a $5,000 camera. And today I was weak...thanks to my handy dandy platinum card and being completely justifiably irresponsible, I purchased:

No longer will my images be blurred or distorted. I have LENSES now! And a real professional camera! *sobs* I am just...I can't...there are no words.

2004-09-20T13:29:00.000-07:00

If you haven't been to the...

then you need to.

Holy Fathoms Batman.

Do the Ghost Tour and the submarine tour. Fucking cool!

This was before the Ghost Tour:

Aren't we the happy duo?

This was after:

Uhhh I think he was a little traumatized. Don't worry I took him to Ameoba and bought him a DVD. When in doubt or guilt-ridden, buy them stuff. It actually works.

He wasn't thrilled. Sure, at first he was Mr. I Don't Believe in Ghosts but then he was plastered against my leg for the duration of the tour where they take you down 6 fathoms (no idea how deep that is but it sounds cool...say it...c'mon, outloud: Fathoms. Cool.) beneath sea level and describe in detail some of the deaths in the boat over the last sixty years. I didn't know the Queen Mary was used as a transport ship during WWII. At one time she carried SIXTEEN THOUSAND men. I can't even fathom what it would be like to be in a confined area with that many people. I can't even deal with a crowded elevator.

Not to mention being in the ship in what I can only compare to being inside a fucking iron safe and feeling it rock and shift, then hearing creaking and breaking...then seeing THIS:

The water coming in, the doors swinging shut and locking, people rushing around screaming, the water level rising, you know you are going to die. Just makes me appreciate being in my safe little condo with my chicken enchilada soup and dry land outside.

After the Ghost Tour, we needed a drink. I read somewhere that there was this popular drink called A Stinger. Looks like this:

Fucking grossest drink I have ever had the displeasure of sipping. I made it half way through just because I never can justify wasting $8 on a drink when the curious triple aftertaste started to render verps...I had to upchuck. An alcholoic beverage is not supposed to burn your stomach, folks. I think all of the posh trendy assholes who drink stingers and manhattans are all crazy assholes. Those drinks would put hair on the Olson Twins chests.

The ship has all kinds of cool shit on it. Of course being a photographer I took more obscure pictures than touristy Hey Look at us on The Queen Mary pics so if you aren't big on obscure photos, well then fuck you. I'm posting 'em.

Holy Sea Muck, Batman!

Giganormous chains. Wicked. Seriously, these chains were HUGE. Each chain link was about as big as my ass and that's pretty big.

Russian submarine. Funny though, the tour guide (strictly on tape blaring over loud speakers as you get to inch around inside the confined steamy space) was irish? Clearly an irish accent trying to do a russian accent. Pretty funny.

This is where they put the torpedos. Torpedo. Mmmmmmmmmm.

Scary spooky blue pipe light fixture!

This scared the beegeezus outta me.

I love to take pictures while facing the sun. Only I can withstand the heat and everyone else closes their eyes so they look like retards and not me. Oh look at my E.T. shadow. I wish I had a profile like that! My nose is not that big. I look like I ran into a wall but like the idea of having a prominent profile.

All Hail The Queen Mary.

2004-09-15T23:52:00.000-07:00

I swear I am like a fucking 2 year old sometimes. Everytime I check my referrers, I get a kick out of the list of search engine referrers.

LMAO

What in the name of all that is holy is a big titty boat?? Giant acrylic tits on the bow of a bayliner? And what the fuck is a miniskirt-thong and what whore wears this contraption? Squid Roe married women. Don't have to guess what that's about but seriously you don't need to go to Cabo to find two timing married trollips to bang. Man, the crap people search on the internet.

Ahhh I needed that to recover from humiliation at my son's school earlier. Not only was I late picking him up but I forgot to blend the concealer under my eyes so I was trotting around like an idiot with ivory stripes under my eyeballs. No wonder the crossing guard stepped out of my way. She probably thought I was going to tackle her.