Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Happy like a cat in the window

I am purring inside. I feel happy. My new boss rocks and I even got my own office with a big window. I am so relieved. I can see myself easing into full time work there nicely plus I am getting paid as a freelancer and am a full time student so I can claim exempt and keep all my goddamn money. I am such a happy camper. My photoshoots have been going better and better, in fact, I have one in 6 minutes but wanted to stop in and say hi to everyone and let you all know I am doing well. Thank you so much for all your support through these last few months. Still a work in progress in the love arena but now I am back on my own two feet and feeling empowered. My worth and future is not defined by a man. I am all I need. Me and my son. :?)

Andrea

Have a great week, everyone!

Monday, February 21, 2005

Photo Madness

I am a shooting maniac this month and hopefully I will have an actual site by the end of next month. My boyfriend did do a comp for me but it wasn't really what I was looking for so he is going to use it for a future landing page instead. Hopefully he will have time to do it soon because I am dying for a real website.

As far as shoots go, I had a 2 girl shoot scheduled but one couldn't make it last minute so being locked on to some 2 girl ideas, I said Fuck it and used myself as a model.

Supervixens

I did some new ones of Amanda too:











And finally yesterday's shoot, Rubi:

Rubi

I am off tonight, start my new job tomorrow and have shoots back to back until the 28th when I am going to actually go do something SOCIAL for the first time since my Xmas party...well if you don't count that time last month when we went out to dinner and couldn't get a table and ended up getting hammered at the bar and invited a friend to drink and ended up taking her home...yeah if you don't count that, it's been a LONG time and I cannot wait to hooker out and saunter in The Roxy with 6 hot chicks and dressed to the nines. Yeah baby!

Friday, February 18, 2005

And and and...

Well he didn't forget Valentine's Day, he went to pick up a delivery he had waiting for him and was showing me the stuff he bought for himself as I was getting irritated and then reached in the bottom of the box playing surprised..."What's this?" and pulled out a little black jewelry box. He got me pretty hoop diamond earrings. Awwwww. I really don't need a gift, I would be happy with a kiss and a card, I wasn't expecting jewelry.

And then we got in a fight because his ex girlfriend invited him to her son's graduation in Arizona and he said I couldn't go with him because he was afraid she might get jealous and try to beat me up! Hello!? And you are entertaining the thought of going WHY??? He doesn't have a relationship with this kid, was not close to him when they were together and hasn't seen him in over a decade. He didn't even attend his own sister's graduation and is entertaining the thought of going to his ex's son's graduation WHY? Because of his ego. It is always ego with men. So I let him know that if he goes somewhere where I am not welcome, it is an insult to me and to my kid. Some of the problems we have been having stem from him not quite being "a kid's type of guy". He doesn't know how to relate to them therefore doesn't try. I alsmost ended it over this because I will not have someone in my life who doesn't put an effort into my kid. I mean, I know it is hard coming into an "instant family" but the reality is, when you choose to pursue a single mother, you are signing up to be a father figure whether you like it or not. But I digress, the point is, he is not going.

*ahem*

In other news, I GOT A JOB!!! And just in the nick of time too, I was notified last week that my unemployment benefits are cut off. I get paid vacation, holidays and I am making good money which is a relief because I couldn't find anything for over $15 an hour that I qualified for being that I don't have a college degree. I am hoping in 6 months or so he will give us insurance. I hate not having health insurance for my son. My new boss is totally cool, said "I want you to want to come to work. I want to be your friend, not seen as a boss." So I am his executive admin assistant and I also get to reshoot his entire skin care product line. My photography, admin experience and property management background all come into play here and I am so glad I waited for the right thing. He let me choose my own hours and said I can ease back into full time so I am going M-F 10-2 which allows me to still drop off and pick up my son at school which is a huuuuge relief because I have this weird guilt about putting him in daycare.

I am getting straight A's in all my classes and my boyfriend has been randy lately.

I have been shooting like a madwoman. Photoshoots:

Rika

Chandra

I am really happy with these shoots and managing to not display any bitterness whatsoever even though I have had 1 last minute cancelation and 2 girls just outright flake, no phone call, nothing, just didn't show up which sucks because I clear the day or evening for the shoot, have to make my boyfriend move his car, spend an hour setting up my studio and then no one shows up. Very rude. Sunday's girl outright flaked and then tried to add me as a friend on Myspace today. Fuck you. OK maybe there is a little bitterness but not in general. In general, I love people. Except for the stupid ones. And stuck up ones. And shallow ones. And liars...errrrrm...I love cool people who have big hearts and aren't stupid. How's that?

Things are looking up. :?)

Now that I have a job...pay off credit cards and buy a muscle car. Hell fucking yes.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Happy Valentine's Day

or Lonely Hearts Club Day...which ever you prefer.

Last year this day was forgotten by the one to whom I gave my heart. Some of you may remember how I was hurt that he did not even get me a card. Well, knowing his disinterest in this day, I gently reminded him on Friday..."Please don't forget Monday is Valentine's Day...don't forget like last year, ok?" To which he replied, "Ugggghhhh...who makes up these holidays anyway? A woman probably!"

Sometimes there are no words.

And to make matters worse, I woke up this morning and immediately remembered my dream. I dreamt he cheated on me with his expsycho girlfriend from Phoenix and his exgirlfriend from Canada was consoling me! So now I am in a foul mood and if he forgets again, things will not be good for him. Actually I shouldn't be too upset because I did end up getting it on with his hot Canadian ex who is by far better lookin than the Arizona broad so I guess I got the long end of the stick in my dream. *nyuck nyuck*

Given the way things have been going, knowing how hurt I was last year and being that I REMINDED him this year, I have faith that this day I will not end up with my heart in my stomach fighting back tears. He will not let me down. Or there will be blunt force trauma to the head.

Happy Vday to all!

Friday, February 11, 2005

Sake

I am not a connoisseur of sake but the shit they sell at Ralphs is pretty goddamn potent. Anothehr Friday night staying in, my son safely tucked in bed, my headphones on and working on my computer in tandem with my boyfriend. It is a strange comfort to know he is here next to me but also a lonliness because you aren't sharing time together but just coexisting. I suppose that is a comfort some people never know so I am really trying to focus on the positive and not allow myself to be overrun by the negatives. People differ and in that I need to take my own advice and not take someone else's misgivings personally.

If I want acceptance from others, should I not accept others?

So I drink. I drink and I feel good. I type at you and do my homework..probably not the ideal time to do my midterm papers but when I drink, i tend to get passionate, more so than usual and passion is a good thing. Passion is the fuel that keeps the flames burning and without that, life is dark and cold.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Nightmares

This is the 2nd night in a row that I have had scary dreams about a stranger being in the house, my knowing he was in the house, my knowing he knew where I was and that I couldn't get out, being so scared I can't move until I see his silhouette in the doorway at which point I wake up. What the motherfuck.

Maybe I am staying up too late doing photoshoots.

Kina

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Overcast

It's overcast outside. I woke up in a good mood despite my greeting to the day being a message on my cell from today's model canceling our shoot last minute. No matter. Today is a good day regardless of what is thrown my way. I spent the better part of the weekend finishing all of the images from all photoshoots to date, formatting them for print and web to burn to disk for the girls as I always promise. Got the copies of the model releases done and everything all packaged up, space cleared on my hard drive, back up disks made and things are feelin' organized and complete which makes me feel good. When I have pending things all over the place, I feel displaced. When my house is messy (not to be confused with clutter as clutter is something I can never truly escape), I feel displaced. But not today. I am content. I am sitting in my freshly vaccuumed home sipping hazelnut cream drowned coffee, writing an essay on stress management in the criminal justice field and multitasking by putting an entry in here and replying to email. Damn, I just realized how good I am. lol

The only thing that could make this day any sweeter is if I was sharing this peaceful afternoon with a northern beauty.

Friday, February 04, 2005

All is full of love

All is full of love

I'm a softie. I can't be mad forever. Besides it's almost Valentine's Day. Can't still be distant and sad on Valentine's Day. People fuck up. People deserve their right to rectify wrongs. I'm down with that. So I am back in the saddle. The glass is most definitely half full.

Last night's shoot:

Cyhndi
I am not done with these but got the best images done I think.

Enjoy your weekend my friends and remember to appreciate those in your life today and everyday. We may not always get along but the alternative is a tragic one.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Googled

I checked my referrers and I am actually being googled and searched on the internet now. Just knowing that my photography is getting recognized in some way is very exciting to me!

Here are my latest and greatest (so far):

Amanda
Image05 and on are all new.

Shannon

Critiques welcome.

I've got 8 shoots left this month and I have given my boyfriend an outline so he is going to do my website this month. Yay! Finally!!!

When all else falls apart, I know I will always have art to turn to. That is a soothing thought.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

With or without you

Times are tough. Promises have been broken. Agreements have been dishonored. I have come to the end of my rope and if there is any hope at all, it will reveal itself soon. It must be a shitty place to find yourself in, having one last chance. But what is done with that will mark the end or a new beginning. At this point, I am focusing on myself and my son. All trust has been destroyed. That is not an easy thing to rebuild. But where there is a will, there is a way. I hope for him he steps up to the plate and lets go of that which creates this dark cloud that looms over us. But if not, I will be ok. I cannot allow his problems to be my albatross. There are worse things in life than being single. Like having undeveloped genetalia. How fucked up would that be?! It might actually do me some good to be alone for a while. So in any event, the future is looking brighter no matter which road I end up going down. Thanks for the concern my friends. It is never forgotten.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

RSS Feed Schmeed Wha?

Someone commented on my rss feed as if I knew my rss feed was hanging out but seriously, what the hell is it and how do I fix it to point here?