Sunday, January 30, 2005

sullen

So many things are inevitable. Things that you don't want to admit to. Things that even though you ventured into them with nothing but good intentions, they reek of inevitablity and you are left in the wake of mishap wondering why you are wearing the Kick me. I'm a failure - sign on your back again. I can hear my father's words in my head tonight as I sit in my room, my hands cold and my heart whimpering, You will always be a burden. Perhaps this attitude I grew up with is the reason I seek a man to complete me. Silly girlish daydreams of Prince Charming and slow motion movie kisses. Real life is not a movie. Real life has no filters and cutting room floors. It's raw and uncut. And it hurts.

And as I sit with ghosts of hurtful words haunting me and keeping me from sleep at night, I sit and I wonder. I wonder about all the what ifs, could haves, should haves, why nots, hope sos...and I wonder if possibly someday just maybe I will feel okay, without external associations, just safe and okay with myself, inside my skin, a fully functional self propelled entity in this thing called life. Will I? Could I? Should I?

I hope so.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

She did it again. She is becoming quite the muse.

We were writing earlier on her blog about how we both seem to be suffering from hormone overload at the same time. She said we were suffering in tandem. As soon as I read that, I had to design something. Like to see it, here it go:

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

I am now addicted to DeviantArt. It's the coolest site for artists. You can get input from other artists regarding your work and network with people all over the world. Great, yet another internet induced addiction to keep me on this goddamn computer.

And where has my mind been lately? Preoccupied with Paige? Has lack of mutually benefical sex turned my brain to mush? I realized I had no idea what the fuck the date was and when I guessed realized I was over a week off. I took my birth control pill yesterday...twice. I have been wearing the same sweatpants for 4 days. I can't remember the last time I washed my hair although I do recall showering regularly.

Ugh. I am going back to bed. I was up til 3am uploading showcase pics to my DeviantArt gallery and reading comments. What day is it again?

Monday, January 24, 2005

I've been learning a lot from my boyfriend about design in Photoshop. As you know, I have a crush on a girl...so I took a pic from my latest shoot, a pic from a shoot of her done by our mutual friend Stu and morphed them into something that I think looks like we were shot together. Something dark, mysterious, and sexy. Kinda how she makes me feel.


.inamorata.

After several weeks of loss of interest in my photography, I suddenly got in the groove. I am tired of the boudoir stuff and have been wanting to do some artsy stuff so here are some images from a shoot I did over the weeekend.


















I really love the matte smooth finish and unfortunately with working in low light conditions, I am having some trouble capturing images free of grain. While the look of grain is cool, I am not that drawn to it right now so I spent hours meticulously smoothing the grain in these photos to acheive a surreal smooth effect. I am really happy with the outcome and really excited to start shooting other people using these techniques.

Critiques welcome.

Hope you all had a fantastic weekend.

Friday, January 21, 2005

She

I have always liked girls. In fact, I believe that women are preconditioned for tendencies to be attracted to other women. If you look back on childhood, you will remember holding hands, whispering, giggling and being physically affectionate with other girls while boys played cowboys and Indians or cops and robbers. Women are sugar and spice and everything nice, that’s what girls are made of and that’s what I love about them. My first several sexual experiences were with girls. I think the first was when I was about 8 playing doctor in my bathtub. Even then I was instigating sexual exploration with other girls. To me, it comes natural and to me, it is just physical. I have been able to bond to women in a friendly sisterly way but never had much interest in women in a romantic sense the way I have with men. Never really cared about cuddling or pillow talk or spending as much as possible in their presence on that intimate level. I never could wrap my brain around it. Until now. There is this woman I have met, known for about a year online and recently met in person at my Christmas party. I knew she was special because she has this intensity about her that exudes even through the computer but in real life, I must confess, I was a little nervous around her. As the evening progressed, I wanted to sneak away and steal a kiss but as hostess of a party, you can’t hide from everyone for long, someone is always looking for you and I didn’t want to share her with anyone. I didn’t want her to be a public show. Odd. I usually don’t care about that. I’ll get mine where ever but for some reason I knew she deserved privacy. And I am longing for the day we get that.

I find myself fantasizing about her. Late at night when I am alone in bed, while my boyfriend is downstairs, I find myself thinking about her. I find myself imagining her beside me, smiling a sweet smile and kissing her soft lips. Taking time to gaze into every gold fleck of her eyes and get lost in their abyss. Feeling her breath against my neck as I move slowly down her ivory skin, my hair cascading over her as I slide slowly down, moving my arms under her thighs…and then something odd…after the fantasy serves it purpose of release, I lay continuing the fantasy…of after…of giggles and sharing a big sweater as we stand on the balcony sharing cigarettes in post coital bliss, deep conversations under the covers late into the morning hours, waking up with my face pressed into the nape of her neck.

Very odd indeed.

No one really knows this but I write poetry. I do it for myself, have been for years. No one knows this because I don’t share it. But for some reason, this seems like the perfect way to express my excitement, gratitude and appreciation to someone who has woken something in me, broken the membrane that kept me from feeling and really experiencing what my love for women has to offer. So while you aren't supposed to name people in blogs or so that seems to be the rule, I felt it would be unjust to leave this nameless. It deserves an identity. So Paige, this is for you.

Unsaid

Like poetry does her body move
In perfect rhythm to my gaze;
Burning embers in her fiery eyes
like the sun lighting up my days.

So pure in her impurity, she glides
She doesn’t lie or cheat or steal;
Her knowing look embraces me
And proves that she’s for real.

Her touch as soft as angel’s wings
Her breath, O, as sweet as wine;
I’d like to fling myself into her
And be happy, lost for all time.

Her tongue explores pearly walls
My desire illuminates the sky;
Friends, lovers, a secret trust
Unsaid, we need no reason why.

~RDS



Thursday, January 20, 2005

Twiddling

I can't stop touching myself. It's subconscious. I will be sitting in my car and look over to see someone staring at me, widen my eyes with the WHAT?! look and realize I am completely picking my nose. I have had the sniffles and consequently have blown my nose into scabby flaky ruin. I can't stop picking at the nostril tissue rash now. No wonder my boyfriend isn't interested in having sex with me.

*snort*

I was supposed to meet friends downtown for (my favorite) korean soup but the period is here and I am afraid my uterus will fall out so I am going to do society a favor and lay low. But true friends won't mind if your uterus falls out in their living room right? Of course not! So since being around my boyfriend just makes me sad because I end up wondering why he doesn't desire me and while the whole mental mindfuck that comes with that (no matter how logical I try to be) is fun in it's Hi I am a total raving lunatic-kind of way, I am going to take the high road and make myself scarce. I am sure it is bothering me so much because I have been PMSing. Well that's not true. It always bothers me as it has been a problem for some time now. Needless to say, avoidance is always the best answer when discussing it does nothing. *lol* I am going to grab Harold & Kumar go to White Castle Unrated version DVD, drive my bloated ass over to my friend Stacey's house, crawl into her bed and eat her left over chicken casserole masterpiece she has been bragging about. Maybe she'lll rub my tummy for me.

Have a good one and send get well cards with charitable checks payable to RACHEL THE BLOATED LUNATIC.

Thank you.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Libido Dehancers

I need a libido dehancer. I am tired of wanting sex and not getting it. I am sick of waiting in bed looking cute in a most alluring position to not be noticed. There has to be a pill that will kill my sex drive so I can stop taking it personally and generally make my life easier. I love how things can be Perfect Couple day to feeling like a fly on a wall.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Rachel...CSI

I haven't written about this yet because I wanted to make sure it was going to happen. As many of you know, I have long been on the wanton path of educating myself. College. Ah the thing that haunts me. For some reason, I am one of those people who doesn't quite feel Good Enough because I don't have my degree. I somehow feel Less Than especially when on the job hunt and being asked that question: Do you have a college degree? Maybe it's because both my siblings have degrees or because since infancy we were conditioned to believe that after high school we would go to college. Well, I did go to college after high school but it wasn't my fault I was living in LA which happened to be the hair band capitol of the world. I got distracted. *ahem*

Distracted no more, I looked into distance learning education. You have seen the online advertisements. Get your degree online! There are a lot of school out there but not too many accredited through the Higher Learning Commission. A few were, University of Phoenix, Kaplan University and a few others. I did my research and spoke to the reps at each and decided on Kaplan because they had the most helpful and accessible staff and financial aid department. With my eligibility for government grants, I will only end up owing about $12,000-$15,000 total for my Bachelors of Science when it will cost $33,000. Not too shabby. I can live with that.

What will I be studying you ask? *drumroll* Criminal Justice. Yup. Believe it. I have always been facsinated with criminal justice, forensics and law. Hell, Court TV is on all day in this house. I have always felt the need to help people and a BA in psychology just doesn't really qualify you for all that much out in the job market. I could be a secretary. Great, so back where I was after obtaining a degree? Sure maybe I would make an extra $10K a year but seriously, fuck that. But my high goals in psychology are not lost. I figure I can work on my BS in CJ online and when I get the degree in oh say 13 months (if I rambo it), I can find a job in the forensics field, preferably crime scene investigation (yes I have the stomach for it) and work on my masters in psychology (clinical most likely) online. Once I have my masters in pysch, there are all kinds of doors that will open for me in the forensics field or psych field. I gots me a plan yo.

I am lucky enough to have my boyfriend behind me to support me through this. While I am getting unemployment, I am going to work really hard in school. I am not sure how much longer I can keep receiving it but my friends say I can get it for up to a year. That gives me another 8 months! Wheels in the sky keep on turnin....

Well I am off to STUDY! Have a good one, my peoples!

Monday, January 17, 2005

Sunday Drive

We decided to go to Koo Koo Roos and it was sucha beautiful fucking day we decided Fuck it, let's drive to the beach. So we went to Santa Monica and I snapped off random pics during our drive.

Sunday Drive

It was the kind of day that it dawns on you...I'm happy. I felt like one of those couples I always wanted to be.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Debauchery

Debauchery has been had.

We went to one my favorite restaurant The Velvet Margarita for dinner and hung out in the bar while waiting for a table. An hour goes by and in that time we consumed so many Bohemias and kamakazi shots that we lost interest in eating. My friend called shortly after we had arrived and I told her to come meet us for drinks. The last thing I remember at the bar is pushing her against a wall by the bathroom and saying "I want you to come party at our house with us and just to be clear, my intention is to get you into bed so if you feel uncomfortable with that, it's probably best if we hang out here because I can be very aggressive."

And off we went to our place.

The only downfall to our nine hour escapade was that I didn't get to bed until around 9:00 am and didn't wake up until 4:30 am the next morning. Ah where the day goes. I guess I overexerted myself. *lol* The reason this was a downfall is because I made plans to go out with my friend Stacey (who is quickly becoming one of my very closest friends) for her birthday and completely flaked on her. My boyfriend was supposed to wake me up but forgot all about it. I should have set my alarm clock abd been responsible but it really was the last thing on my mind being spun out and ridiculously tired. So now I am feeling terrible. I have to come up with a really good idea to make it up to her. I hate flakes and what I hate more than flakes is being one myself. I could slap myself in the face with a rotten fish.

Hopefully I didn't hurt her feelings. That is the worst. Hurting someone you care about.

I still am having a hard time seeing straight. After waking up at 4:30 am, I got up, drank a six pack of 7UP, watched Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, ate a ton of food and went back to bed til 11:30. I think it's time to go eat again.

Hope you all are enjoying your long weekend!!

Friday, January 14, 2005

Free Weekend

Life is good.

Did my 80 minute advanced Yogilates workout (which I highly recommend), got some good lovin' (THANK YOU JEBUS) and as of 7 pm tonight, have a 3 day free weekend (to non parental units this translates as Kids gone-throw responsibility to the wind-time...YEEEMUTHAFUCKINHAAAAWWWWW) and I am thinkin' I wanna go BOOZIN! I want to take the weekend to cheat on our diet and go have some GOOD food and cocktails for just one night and then maybe some other non-food type delectables may be on the menu for later...I do not know as of yet but I am anticipating a good time none the less.

Have a great weekend, my friends!

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Musings on Destiny

Do you ever wonder what your purpose is? Why you were born? I was watching Forrest Gump with my son and they were talking about destiny. My son asked me what destiny was and I said Destiny is what life is going to be in the future. I didn't know what the hell to say but it got me to thinking about what my destiny is and whether or not I believed it was all mapped out for us from birth or if we mold it ourselves as we go accidental like a feather floating on a breeze. I guess I am with Forrest...I think it's a little of both.

I got Banged

I got the hair. My new stylist didn't think I should go too blonde especially in winter so I let her do her thing:



I love it. Have to train my cowlick down so the bangs aren't crooked anymore but she said that should only take a week or so! Yay!

New Digs!



I am going to be changing my blogspot address to something more Me.

www.earthtorachel.blogspot.com

It's supposed to just overlay over the old one but in case it doesn't, there ya have it. Please make a note of it.

Thanks and have a fantastic day!

Sidenote: I didn't remove my links, the template change ate them so I will relist you! No hatemail please! :?P

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

We make great pets



At the strong urging of my boyfriend, I've decided to do the bangs. I have this wig (see below photo)that he LOVES and wants me to copy it but I am too scared to hack off all my hair into a short bob so I am doing the color and the bangs. Bangs grow out quicker than a bob!



In other news, we got a new pet today. A leopard gecko who has yet to be named. My son is very excited about this new addition to the household but I am leary about whether or not he can properly care for it. Let's see how the kid handles the responsibilty of cleaning the terrarium and feeding it mealworms and crickets. If it works out, we're gonna get another so he'll have a friend.









Of course I can't leave out my lil BABYKITTY!!!



I am officially a nerd from hell. Check out BABYKITTY's Myspace profile!!0
Check it.

Girlie Indecision



I am going to a new stylist tomorrow. EEEK! I'm bored with my same ole hair and I wanna do something different...I already decided to go HONEY BLONDE but can't decide on whether or not I should cut bangs...so I implore you, my friends, give me some advice...

BANGS OR NOT TO BANGS?

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Fat No More



You know how a lot of the time when you get into a committed relationship, you end up gaining a few? Like the Freshman 15 but different. Well, my boyfriend wasn't happy with his figure and wanted to do something about in the new year. Having been obese, I know how hard it is to diet especially when there is someone in the house who is eating whatever they want. Opening the fridge to a plethora of delectables strictly on the Sin List...feeling your mouth salivate...fighting the desire to cheat just this once and whether you give in or not you always end up feeling bad either because you resent the fact that you aren't the one who can eat whatever they want or because you gave in and feel like a weak piece of fat crap. It's the same whether you are 30 or 100 lbs overweight. It sucks across the board and it is hard. So I didn't want him to endure it alone. We started the South Beach Diet together yesterday.

I did the shopping and started with the mealplans in the book. The Quiche Cups were so disgusting, like green sludge in a cupcake tray, slimey spongey funk going down your throat...we were both taking bites and literally swallowing them without chewing, gagging along the way. But we did it...and I barfed. I don't think I have ever eaten something so disgusting before in my eating career (and it was a prosperous one). I was complaining to my girlfriend about how horrorfying it was and she happened to be on it too...explained we could do it online and choose the foods we don't like and they give you alternate meal plans to the book. Thank you Jesus! So since I already did the goddamn grocery shopping, we're locked into this week's meal plan. I wish I had a picture of my boyfriend's face as he choked back baked eggplant! Ahhh the things that amuse me...

What I hear more than anything when I tell people I used to be fat is "No way. I don't believe it."

Well, here's proof. Me in 1998...one week after my son was born and at my heaviest...260!



Believe it or not.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Bitter Betty



I'm becoming what is known as a Bitter Betty. I'm not proud of this, mind you but but it's like I can't help:

1. Flipping the bird at idiot drivers. I don't even serve it up with an eye roll anymore.

2. At the risk of looking like a total mute crazy dumbass and well aware that no one else can hear me, yelling profanities at people in my car while they do stupid things like sit with their blinker on behind me when I need to get out of my parking space and they decide to wait for the dumbass motherfucker three spaces ahead who has to alphabetize their cd case or SOMETHING completely time consuming.

3. Outright sneering at people and audibly saying I wish that dumb bitch would SHUT THE FUCK UP who have really high pitched like omigawd no way you don't say voices, dumb bitches who won't shut their fucking mouths at restaurants or on airplines (Hey cuntbag, if I wanted to hear about your mundane pathetic life, I'd tune into some reality show featuring some other dumb broad made from the same mold).

4. No energy to even argue with the boyfriend anymore, we just give each other The Hand =; and move onto our own things.

5. Ughing at the RIDICULOUS names celebrities give their kids: Apple? Pilot? Banjo? Jesus, what's next? Banana? Tree? MaxiPad?

6. Being completely over initiating everything social in my life. I am so tired of all of the people who call themselves my friends but who never do friendly things like call when things aren't falling apart. I'm done being the shoulder to cry on and nothing more to these people.

7. And while we are on the subject of friends, I am tired of my friends not ever inviting me to do things because I have a kid and a boyfriend. That doesn't throw me off the social map, you assholes.

8. Looking for a mediocre job for less than mediocre pay. I am sick of it.

9. Skank ass silver spoon fed whoreflaps being labeled "celebrities" because they make sex tapes and their daddies are rich. Eat my ass.

10. And last but certainly not least, I'm sick of wanting more of out a life that clearly isn't putting out.

Oh and what the fuck is up with buying a package of chips, well ok I don't eat chips but wheat thins and opening the bag to find it only a third full??!! Shouldn't I then get a 2/3rds refund? I want the name and address of the fuckwad in charge of this and I am going to send him my boogers.

Sunday, January 02, 2005



HAPPY NEW YEAR, MY FRIENDS!!!

We stayed in on NYE watching movies and snuggling on the couch. It was nice to not have to deal with trying to do something fun for New Years and every year it's a mad rush to get somewhere to stand in line forever to pay ridiculous amounts of money to get in to stand in terrible lines to get overpriced watered down drinks...lol or go to some lame party where no one talks to you except to see if you have drugs. So the allure of staying in, I get it now.

My New Years Resolutions:

1.) Be a better mother by spending more time doing things with my son like arts & crafts, games, walks to the park. Listen and be more patient with him.

2.) Spend less time on the computer and more time being a mom.

3.) Regain my independence.

4.) Lose those last pesky 10 lbs.

5.) Re-engage in my pilates practice five times a week.

6.) See friends more.

7.) Forgive my family for their idiosyncracies and reach out to them despite them.

8.) Forgive myself for not being perfect.

9.) Look for ways to enrich my own life while enriching others.

10.) Volunteer for a community service helping children.