ground control to rachel...earth to rachel...come in...over.: 12.04

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Xmas party pics are here:

HERE

Cabo pics...

HERE

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

The Xmas party was a blast. I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who showed up and especially to Paige who made the 500 mile journey and Stu who drove up from San Diego. Awesome! And thanks Stu for taking pics all night as I was too goddamn drunk and busy being Busy Beaver Hostess to do it myself. I can't wait to see the pics so if you have any, please email them to me post haste!

So here are some pics:

**removed**

Then things went blurry...

The aftermath:

**removed**

Lots of fun was had. I just remember lots of laughing, hugging, deep meaningful alcohol induced conversations, no drama. It rocked. The last people left at 5am and the last time I looked at the clock, it was 8 am. I slept through the whole day give or take waking up here and there to go to the bathroom and eat. So I started to clean yesterday and was struggling with the stopper in the sink when my fingers slipped off and my right index finger smashed into the blade of a knife in the murky water.

Had to go to hospital. The boyfriend was so sweet. Blew off kung fu and dressed the wound, sat me on the couch and got us into the car to take me to the hospital. Luckily I didn't need stitches but they used glue and steristrips and a bigger bandage over that which I have to keep dry for a week. I have to wear a plastic bag over my hand to keep it dry! I am going to look like a retard in Mexico with a plastic bag wrapped over my right hand...not to mention the lovely farmers tan that will result from it! But that's ok! My fingertip is a little numb but the doctor said I probably caught a nerve and it will grow back. I also had to get a tetanus shot which hurt. Once I was all taken care of, he took us to Black Angus for some margaritas and lobster!

So now I am hanging around with a blue rubber glove on my right hand and too afraid to take a shower. Maybe I'll see how long I can go without showering before I totally gross out my boyfriend! LOL

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Last night we went to my boyfriend's first LA boss's Xmas party in Beverly Hills. It was a nice party and it was good to see my boyfriend amongst peers who admire him so much. I felt like I was with a rockstar the way these people were falling all over themselves around him. They mainly do goverment websites and are trying to get him to come work for them. I have never seen so many people beg someone to take a job in my life. He has people all around him begging him to come on board. Must be nice. I hope by the time I am 36 I will have such success in my career.

On our way home I got a call from the babysitter saying the fridge was leaking. Great. We open the garage door and for the love of all that is holy water was pouring down from the ceiling and all over the garage floor. There was a little hole in the ceiling and water was literally spewing out in a stream from the kitchen above. I immediately pictured the refrigerator plowing through the ceiling and squashing my car as I ran upstairs. The poor babysitter was frantic and had pulled out every towel in the house to catch the water that was shooting out in a steady stream from the water filter pipe. Somehow the attachment came loose and it was just flowing. Of course there is a very obvious valve shut off right there but she is a girl not raised around a construction business so I shut it off. So instead of having my brother reattach it, I am going to hire someone to come weld a copper pipe to the filter so this doesn't happen again. I am dreading what it is going to cost to fix the water damage but it shouldn't be too bad. I am hoping it will only be around $1,000 or so. I had to clean the mess myself because my boyfriend went to bed. The only downfall to being with an artist is they don't grasp "man duties" at all. In many ways, I am the man of the house - fixing things and such. At least he takes out the trash.

Tonight is the big party. We have the ice luge coming at 8 and this year it will be shaped as a gun because what better shape to have it made in for the holidays? lol I am expecting about 60 people but a lot of them aren't coming til later so I think there will be people filtering in and out through the night which will be good because our condo is only 1500 square feet! lol

Oh a pic from last weekend when we went to see Patton Oswald at M-Bar:

My man, myself and "the other woman" - his 1973 Plymouth Roadrunner

Anyway Happy Holidays everyone!!!

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Yay. The holidays. Time for Christmas cheer and maxing your credit cards to only put a miniscule pathetic dent in the balance by next Christmas and so the cycle churns.

I am not a big Scrooge by any means but I would like to see the holidays go smooth for one person I know. Everyone I know dreads the holidays. Family gatherings just remind us of why we moved away in the first place and the stress of trying to please one person through the ordeal is enough to make anyone want to just stay home.

This year we aren't getting a tree because we are going to be in Cabo for Xmas and I don't want to deal with worrying about whether or not the cats somehow chewed through a cord or knocked the goddamn thing over while we are gone so fuck it. No tree. We get a railing decorated with icicle lights and that's it.

What is it with the holidays anyway? Why is a time that is meant to be merry bring out such woe and depression? So many people are sad during this time of year. I am not sad. I am bitching because as a woman who is cursed with mestruation, it is my genetic right but I mean the people who are like Paxil prescribed sad. Bummer but like my grandpappy always said...Better them than me! LOL

Oh! And for those coming to our Xmas party this weekend, please make sure you RSVP on the Evite!

Happy Holidays!

Friday, December 10, 2004

Awesome Hilarious Free Banners from Rotodesign.com

LMAO

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

I got this email today:

=======
Subject: Disgusted
Date: Wed, 8 Dec 2004 12:01:39
From: "XXXXXX" idiot@stupidass.com Add to Address Book
To: "Rachel"

I think it's terrible that you brag about your promiscuious lifestyle online and furthermore that you perform such acts while your child is in the home. It sickens me how irresponsible some people are with innocent children.
=======

Chick must be catholic.

I was tempted to post the actual email address of this fucktard but thought better of it. Even assholes deserve their anonymity. Let me just say that my life is mine to live and anyone can have their opinion about it as I post it online no holds barred for the world to see. I didn't want my personal diary to be about anything else than my personal life so I made the decision to post it online as I live my life, with my heart on my sleeve, take me or leave me. I am open about myself including my sexuality and I make no excuses for either.

This email didn't really disturb me as much as it made me wonder who else might share this opinion. So before you go tisk tisking me, let me say that I am a very good mother. My son comes before all else. He has always slept through the night without ever waking up since he was a baby. He gets up early but never wakes up in the middle of the night so I am comfortable with doing what I want without worrying about waking him up. I can literally vacuum in his room while he is sleeping and he won't wake up.

A few points to argue...first, is my sleeping with women really being promiscuious? This strikes me as kind of funny but I suppose if you look at it technically, I have several lovers a year aside from my boyfriend so if that is your definition of promiscious...then I'm guilty. But - Big fucking deal. That's a lot less than most single people I know. Does that make me a bad parent? Is that disgusting? I don't think so, in fact, I am finally at a point in my life where I think things pretty much rock. Sure I could have a stable lucrative career but aside from that, I am very fucking happy. It's been a long time of blood, sweat and tears to get here so sorry, your narrowminded conservative view isn't raining on my parade.

Second, since when is having sex in the house when children are home a bad thing? Haven't couples been doing that forever? What's the difference if we have a third person in the mix? It isn't like we put the kid in a front row seat and have him watch. I make sure doors are locked and he is sleeping soundly in his room. We don't scream. We are mindful of the fact that there is a child in the house. I am assuming that any sex in the house is disgusting to people like the one who wrote me. She must have a really happy life. lol Uptight cunt.

Third, sex is a beautiful thing. We have come a long way since the 50s. It blows my mind that oral sex is still illegal in some states in this country yet we have the technology to clone a human being. It kills me how closeminded people still are in 2004. Open your minds people. Living your lives closeminded is only walking through life in the dark.

OK enough of this crap.

I just got home from a day shopping with a girlfriend but it wasn't exactly your typical shopping trip. Questions to the salesperson on my shopping trip went something like this:

"Hi, I am looking for a harness."

"Sure, we have several over here. Would you like leather, fabric or vinyl?"

"Um leather please."

"Does this one accomodate different sized dildos?"

"Yes the Texas Two Strap. You can remove the cock ring so you can use different sized ones."

"Hmmmm. Is it secure? I don't want it to slide down my hips."

"It has adjustable straps on each side and they can pull as tight as you want."

"Hmmmm. OK. It looks a lot like the one I already have. Maybe I'll try the different rings."

So we moved on to looking at the dildos. Big black ones. Long skinny stabby looking blue ones. Short fat red ones. Lumpy bumpy green ones. My friend and I could not stop laughing. Next thing I know, she lets out a little shriek.

"OH MY GOD RACHEL TOUCH THIS."

It was a silicone softie. A 3 inch fake dick that looked soft. I was wondering why the hell they would make a soft dick and reached out and touched it. As I pinched the tip, the pads of my forefinger and thumb almost touched through it. I got the heebie jeebies so bad the hair on my arm stood up and I got gooseflesh. I jumped around and shook all over while laughing my ass off. It felt so real and I still couldn't figure out why they would make a fake soft dick when the salesgirl leans in and whispers:

"It's for packing."

I'm thinking, packing? And naturally I am thinking of packing a suitcase. I must've looked perplexed because she added:

"In your pants."

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THAT kind of packing. Um ok. I've seen that on real sex on HBO before and a few times in lesbian bars but it was obvious they were wearing real big dildos in their pants not little softies. Well I guess that puts a whole new spin on penis envy. lol

So I purchased my new toys. Got something called The Big Stiffie and another called The Feeldoe, some latex powderless gloves, lube with a pump, and a hot all girl porn dvd made by women and the salesgirl said it's her favorite because all the women in the movie really get into it and you can tell they are really actually enjoying it. I am so looking forward to playing with all this stuff. I can't wait...i can't wait...I can't wait. And I did a good public service duty (heh I said doody) by buying my friend the Ben Wah balls she wanted. I'm such a good friend. LOL! I think maybe I am on some secret mission to corrupt the world to my PROMISCUIOUS ways.

*mwuhahahaahaha*

P E R F E C T.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

You know what's funny about getting wasted? Flashbacks. Right when you think all the embarrassing crazy shit you did/said has been reckoned, more peers through the fog. Sweet. Well the memories from Friday night are equally sweet as they are embarrassing. For those of you offended by such things as beaver bumping, you might not want to read this.

The funny thing about threesomes is how random they are. I spend a good deal of time online now and then trolling for playmates on the internet and it never pans out. I am sure 98% of the time I emailing with men masquerading as hot bi chicks. Our Friday night guest was a total fluke. I think after molesting them for however long in the back patio of the club, I turned to her and said:

"So, wanna go party at our place?"
"Sure.
"Lesgo."

And there ya have it. Easy as that. This is where I start strutting around singing "You can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm ladies man...no time to talk..."

And my memory shot to being at the house with her and messing around...until the other day when I remembered watching her climb into the backseat of my boyfriends car and then diving on top of her where we proceeded to tear each other's clothes off until we were butt ass naked going at it...on Sunset Boulevard...at midnight on a Friday night. Do you know how packed that street is on weekends? It must've been quite a show for those who were near us at the red lights LOL Apparently my boyfriend even stopped at a liquor store and left us in the car and we had NO CLUE he even was gone or that the car was parked. I can just picture the staple homeless guy outside of Pla-Boy Liquor staring in the window.

Then I remember getting home, dressing in a hurry and rushing upstairs so I could pay the babysitter...then realizing that my hair fall was twisted sideways and my goddamn pants were on inside out.

The rest of the night just plain rocked. Our guest was the sweetest girl, understood the act of reciprocation, was soooo lovely and totally open to trying anything. I want her again. I think I will.

I am very interested how my party on the 18th is going to turn out. I will bet there will be much more debauchery this time round...

Sunday, December 05, 2004

We had our one year anniversary Friday night and I got a necklace...he got a threesome.

Life is good.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

***Disclaimer: I hereby waive responsibilty for any typos or discriminatory fueled statements made in the fgollowing rant due to alcohiol consumtption:

Today I took The Test. The one I have been waiting dfor for 3 months. Good ole' Real Estate Salesperson/Broker test and I am failry sure I failed it because I am a dumbass. Not in the lack of intelligence way but in the procrastinating assuminfg way. I am not a good Tester. I can write a 5 star essay but give me a test and I blank out. I was planning on going to the 2 day crash live course and mnaturally waited til the last minute to discover they were all sold out and had been months in adfvance. Krickey. So I was stuck getting the downlaidable homestudy sofrtware. Well slap me Sally if the fucking program didn't have abojt 1500 questions and I had less than a week to study. Need less to say, I didn't pass the practice exams.

I got to the test location downtown no troubnle. The lady or proctor (Why does that make me feel like she is going to slip on latex gloves and search my body cavities?) was a dead ringer for the lady in grease, you know Blanche's bossy sidekick, except she was black and like 60. Sassy ole gal with a no nonsense attirude. Loved to ask if anyone had amny questions and then jump down your throat with a..."I haven't gotten to that yet, have I?" To which I had to smartoff with "Well, I assumed you were finished with instructions since you said you were finisdhed with instructions and asked if there were questions." To which I was met by a steely glare and silencce which is always fun in front of an audience of about 60 people.

The assortment of folk that came in for this test was astounding. We had your young kids fresh out of high school, your older folk who were on their 18th career change, your wiggers, their counterpart bitches and a few snooty peopple mixed in with the normal folk. I was one of three people who actually dressed for the occasion. I didn;t know it was laundry day for everyone else.

Apparently Christina Aguilera's equally fasion inclined older cousin was there and I think she was there trying to get out of the hooking industry. Not that I have anything against whores but honestl;y, proper hygeine is appreciated by the general public. I could and bear yourselves people, smell her pussy. *gag* It was like bad cooter on my upper lip. I had to ask to change seats it was so nauseating. The girl next to me and I even exchanged Can you smell what I think I smell? looks. So I got seated across the room where I got to sit in front of this extremely considerate gal who was reading outloud under her breath. It;'s like trying to fall alseep with the reasonating soundf of the bathroom sink dripping. I wwas about to stick my pencil in her eye when this deafening alarm went off. Yup the fire alarm. First thing I thought of was 9/11!! You didn;t have to ask me twice to get out of there. I sprang out of my seat so fast I am sure all you could see was a blur rushing by you. We filed down the fire escape and to 9th street. The fire trucks came and went...we went back upstairs to find it was a false alarm. They gavre us the option to leave and retake the test without penalty but fuck I was more than halfway done and wanted to get it over with so I stayed. For the rest of the 45 minutes it took for me to complete the exam, the fire alarm lights were flickering above us. Very distracting. So between Bad Cooter, Whisper Bitch and Light Flicker Room and obviously not being properly prepared, it looks like I am riding the unemployment train a little longer. Oh well. Gives me a chance to focus on our holiday party and get certified in pilates insruction.

Oh if any of you regulars are in the LA area and want to come to our Xmas party on 12/18, email me and I'll send you an invite....unless you're creepy.

OK time for margarita induced nap before i hit the lesbo bars tonight.

ground control to rachel...earth to rachel...come in...over.